iiiiiiiiiiiiii never do this

I'm Porkchop!





Most dogs can fetch and roll over. But Doug's dog Porkchop tap dances, plays chess and does a mean impression of Doug. Porkchop lives in an igloo-shaped dog house, complete with a satellite dish and a modest art collection. He even has his own mailbox. Even though Porkchop loves to clown around, he's fiercely loyal to Doug. When Doug faces off with Roger Klotz, Porkchop stands right beside him. (Bio borrowed from Bluffington)


Which of Nickelodeon's Doug characters are you?

Chapter 2.5: A little bit of back story

I quit Old Navy under the false pretense that I was too busy at school to have a job. About three weeks later, I started at Best Buy. But this, however, was not the first time I tried working at Best Buy. I give you....

Chapter 2.5

I quit Red Robin and needed a new job. I applied at a bunch of places, such as Old Navy. But the place I would have really liked to work at was Best Buy. Now, at Best Buy, you don't just walk in and hand over an application. Oh God no. Can you imagine! Someone having to sit down and go through applications to see who is qualified? There's no time for that at Best Buy! They have electronics and appliances to be selling at almost factory-direct prices! Certainly, a different, more technologically advanced screening process is needed. Are you ready for it?

The automated phone interview.

Press 1 if the answer is "yes"
Press 2 if the answer is "no"

Sounds easy enough. I hate talking on the phone to strangers and a phone interview would be even worse, but going through this with a prerecorded voice would be just fine.

So I'm listening to the questions, hitting the 1's and 2's. "Are you over the age of 16?" 1! "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" 2! It was going just fine. But then the questions got...questionable.

"If an employee is caught stealing less than a dollar, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"

Ok, in retrospect, I should have thought this through more carefully. Yes, in real life, outside of work, I, Steve Szlaga, would ABSOLUTELY forgive something like that. I am a forgiving person. So yes. Yes I believe that this incident is not punishable by termination. 1. Yes. 1.

But what I should have realized, and now, 12 jobs later, would never forget, is that companies are not people. They are companies. They don't care about you. They don't care if you are broke. They don't care about your uncle Ernie. To them, there is NO excuse for stealing even a penny. Yeah, makes sense. But this is before I became the professional part time employee that I am today. So the answer, of course, should have been 2. No. Fire that bastard who stole 2 dimes and a quarter. Put them in the stocks and throw rocks at them. Hang them if need be.

Then the next question. "If a person steals less than 10 dollars, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"

Well there's nothing to blame but my own stupidity for this one. I mean, I said "yes" to stealing before. I 1'd that other question! I have to stick with it now! What would they think if I keep going all over the board! Stealing good! No...stealing bad! So I said yes. Yes steal more money!

At the end of the interview the automated voice said...

"We're sorry, but you do not meet the requirements for employees that we are looking for."

Probably because they thought I was fucking Charles Boles or something. But after that, it said...

"Please do not participate in this interview until records are erased in 90 days."

So...this was just a practice run. Now I knew the questions better. I could do it right this time. It's like the ACT's. You're allowed to retake as much as you want. Just wait a few months.

But a few weeks later, Old Navy called me with an offer I should have refused. But not to worry. Best Buy would happen soon enough. And let's just say, this little phone interview was only the beginning of my supposed "delinquency" at that place. I was a marked man...

Moose & Squirrel

Christmas was good.

Break is good.

I sleep way too much and I can't help it. I try to get up but...I just can't. Not having anything to get up and do makes it entirely impossible to get up at all. It might be my bed. Or my room in general. It could be...but I have a sneaking suspision that the real reason that I sleep so much is because I stay up late doing stupid things like writing in my blog or watching Roseanne on Nick At Nite.

Remember when I Love Lucy and Happy Days were on Nick At Nite? What happened to that. Then it was Cheers and Three's Company and stuff like that. I could handle that. Even Wings, that was alright with me. But Fresh Prince and Full House? Now, I'm not denying that these shows are indeed as classic as they come, but they don't really go with what Nick At Nite stands for. If I remember watching the show, it is too recent to be on Nick At Night. In fact, anything that was on TV when I stopped crapping my pants is too recent to be on Nick At Nite.

So today was the big day to return Christmas gifts. How appropriate is that? From Thanksgiving to Christmas Day people go INSANE crowding malls and bum rushing the stores to shop for gifts. Then, they give them. Then, they are all returned. But every year people lose their shit over Christmas shopping. But we can't just give everyone gift card, can we? Hell no. I won't give gift cards. There's no thought in that. I don't want to be thoughtless. Getting a gift card is thoughtless. You might as well just forget my birthday and spill grape juice on my floor. Same basic principle.

Especially now that you can buy any Gift Card at 7-11 or Walreens.

Merry Christmas, I got you a 10 dollar gift card to Barnes & Noble. I completely didn't feel like going out and getting you anything but I went to Walgreens to buy bed sore cream and vitamin c tablets and though "aw, what the hell"


Annnnyway

If I'm not sleeping, I'm most likely still laying in bed, either watching Arrested Development or Rocky & Bullwinkle. I freaking love Rocky & Bullwinkle. You may not know that. Go to Universal Studios with me and you'd find out. Do you even KNOW what a Hush-A-Bomb is? You should. It sickens me that you don't.

Last week along with Alicia and Jared I hung out with Tim Kava, Matt Loper, Cody Surles, Christina Hagan, and Keighty McLallen. It was kind of surreal. I don't think I've seen any of them besides Christina (who, incidentally, HAS gone to Universal Studios with me. And no, I did not go on Dueling Dragons. You got Tower of Terror so be satisfied with that. And say Hi to your cousins for me) in like 5 years. And surprise surprise, all we talked about was....HIGH SCHOOL. It was inevitable. Poor Jared had know idea what or who we were talking about. Maybe it's better that way.

So...I'll write Chapter 4 tomorrow. I'm on 4 right? Best Buy, yeah that's 4. I need to get a move on. I still have 11 more to go...

Disconnected

I went to Old Navy today. The Old Navy I used to work at. (See Chapter 3)

There was a girl working at the counter that I recognized. I recognized her because I went to High School with her. Also, she worked there when I was there. That was the summer of 2000. 5 years ago. I mean, I guess that's no big deal. 5 years at the same place. Good for you, I say. Same with Eric. He started at Best Buy around the same time as me. Which, as a matter of fact, was shortly after I quit Old Navy.

My point is. For me, that was forever ago. A lifetime. And I'm kind of jealous of that girl at Old Navy. And of Eric. Ever since High School, nothing in my life seems to last. It took me three years in High School to find something for me to do. Something I was good at. That was acting. But it seemed like in the blink of an eye, I was graduating. I finally found something. I finally belonged somewhere. I was no longer sitting at a different lunch table every day. I was a part of something. And I was proud of it. Then, it was over. Graduation. On to Western.

Goodbye Novi.

Western was great. But I'm not even going to start talking about my times there. I think everyone who knows me is pretty sick of hearing about WMU.

Then, I moved to Florida.

Goodbye Western.

Then, I moved to Chicago.

Goodbye Disney.

In a few years, I'll be graduating, and most likely moving again.

Goodbye Chicago.

I don't regret anything I've done with my life. I am incredibly lucky to have had the experiences and friendships I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. But I do get jealous of the people who have stayed put. Or those who graduated, went to school, and stayed there. They have their two worlds. Home and College. They have constants in their lives. I don't. My life, my memories, my friendships, my everything....it's all over the place.

Hey, remember when we did this? Oh wait, that wasn't you. It was my friend who was the equivalent of you before I moved here.

Haha, this reminds me of the time that we...oh wait. That wasn't us. That was somewhere else. With someone else. Someone that you replaced.


A good friend recently told me I need to learn to let things go. I don't think they understand how many things I've had to let go of already.

So, this semester's end makes it official. I have been at Columbia just as long as I was at Western. And longer than I was in Florida. So why don't I feel settled? Why do I feel I can never really connect with people here? Is it because I know that I'll be leaving them, just as I did everyone else? Or is it because I've already done this...had these friends...did these things...said these words...played these games....in another place and time? I've met some incredible people in Chicago, and the last thing I want to do is refer to them as "replacements." Because they aren't. They aren't replacements. They aren't substitutes. They're...something new. And different.

Right???

Yes. They are. I know they are. Comparing them to the people of my past doesn't do them justice. Nor does it do justice to the people of my past. I guess all I can do is consider myself lucky to have a life so chuck full of so many crazy, amazing, hilarious, tragic, inspiring, influential friends, from all over the place.

Chuggin along

I’m on the train right now. Thank god for laptops. I am currently getting my ass kicked at solitaire, while Sudoku is handing Ashley her ass on a silver platter. Our train had to stop for freight traffic for a while. A long while. Luckily we are moving again and should hopefully be back to Detroit in time for Christmas, although keep in mind that Amtrak did not make that guarantee. I hate the word “guarantee.” It is fucking impossible to deal with. GUARANTEE. I spelled it wrong three times before I finally asked spell-check. Screw you Microsoft Works, I’ll figure it out on my own. Even more irony…I spelled “spell-check” wrong. There is a hyphen in between the two words. It is not one word. It is not, what you may recall from second grade, a compound word. Like butterfly or applebottom. Stupid AutoCorrect keeps separating Apple and Bottom into two separate words. Shame on you. What would Nelly say? These are not problems that I encounter when I am updating my blog with regular internet access. SCREW YOU MICROSOFT WORKS “BLOG” IS A WORD. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT. Webster’s even recognizes it as a word. Well. I don’t know. But I bet they do.
Anyway, train. So Amtrak messed up Ashley’s ticket which was not cool. But we still got on the train. We almost didn’t get to sit together but these really nice old foreign people switched over so we could. They have eaten twice since we left Chicago. Healthy appetites over there. The man took a nap and when he woke up he asked me to go get him coffee from the dining car. I obliged. I felt I owed it to him since he DID switch seats for us. But he didn’t tip me.
Oh, and Scott Myers is on the train too. What’s a train ride without Scott!
These weekend was filled to the brim with Christmas miracles. The first being our drive by the Home Alone house. No. I mean we drove by it. I don’t mean we were part of a drive-by in front of it. That’s morbid. The house looks just like it did in the movie, only the statue that the pizza man knocks over is no longer there. We ate at the Panera that used to be the super market where Maculy Culkin buys the toothbrush. I’m surprised Winnetca doesn’t have a more thriving tourist industry.
Yesterday Dave and Matt came back to Chicago and we went with Ashley, Jill, and Jess to see….JERRY SPRINGER. My internship is over and I spent my first free Monday in 3 months doing what? Going to see the damn show. It was a scene. I got us on the VIP list so we were in the very front row where all the action was. I got to sit next to a security guard and Jill got to sit next to Steve, who, by the way, doesn’t do anything. Got plenty of views of disgusting boobs and hairy backs and butt crack. Talk about Christmas cheer! Everyone had a good time.
And that’s that. Once we get to Ann Arbor we are going to Ashley’s sister’s Birthday Party, then Novi, HERE I COME!

The Devil and Bratz dolls

I'm done with everything. No more crew. No more internship. No more classes. It feels so nice. Last night I went out with Becky. We went to dinner and had some good mexican food and margaritas, then went and saw a show at Steppenwolf. The show was weird and I don't think I understood it at all. But it was nice to be out and doing stuff in the city. And Becky is a great date.

Friday night we went out to a party in Logan Square. All of us got thoroughly toasted before heading home. I'm glad I got really drunk because the party was pretty much all guys and girls that looked like guys. But it was, in fact, a party. There was, in fact, a keg. I was, in fact, with my good friends. And school, in fact, was over. So it was all, in fact, good.

Then in the morning we got up and Matt, Dave, and I exchanged presents. Matt was acting like a 4 year old on Christmas morning, jumping all over the furniture and squealing. Dave said we should make him open his presents last. I said we should have gotten him clothes.

Matt got me Arrested Development Season 2, which will definitely be coming in handy on the train rides home. Having a laptop makes the train rides so much more tolerable. I mean, I still fall asleep for about 94 percent of the trip, but it's nice to be entertained for the other 20 minutes. I got Matt a Coca-Cola Poker Set. Now we can have Poker Nights.

Dave got me the Post Secret book. Way to go Dave. We were at Chicago Comics and I picked it up and told Dave about how much I like the website, so he ended up getting me the book. It's really good. There's some quality secrets in there, such as "I masturbate to pictures of old Civil War soldiers" and "I steal old library cards. Obsessively" I should get a coffee table so I can put it on there. It's a coffee table book. Wait, I think we do have a coffee table. But we use it as a foot rest. I got Dave Justice League Mad Libs and a book called "How To Survive A Robot Uprising." It seemed to suit him.

After that we went and got some Chipotle and to Target so that Matt and I could buy the rest of the presents for our Santa Letters. The Post Office has this program where kids and parents in need write to Santa and then volunteers come and pick up letters and buy what they ask for. I had a boy who wanted race cars and a girl that wanted a Bratz doll. So that's what I got them.

Have you ever seen a Bratz doll? Holy shit, man. Those things are scary. Let me explain.

A Bratz doll has lips that take up about 1/3 of their face, eyes that look like they were transplanted from a cat, and a waist that is smaller than their neck. They also have long stylish hair that is at least 14 different colors. They look like demon women. Succubi! I think Bratz dolls are in fact Succubi! (google "Succubi" if you have to) I think that these dollz are indeed the teenage daughterz of Satan himself.

The Bratz girlz seem to have a lot of interests. The first and foremost being FASHION! Of course. Aside from that, the Bratz enjoy dressing up as cowgirls and riding their Wild West Ponyz, camping out in their ultra stylish tents and hiking couture, playing sportz, dressing up to impress the Bratz Boyz, and also, singing in their totally awesome band, Rock Angelz.

What's weird is...these dolls are hot, hot shit. It was a circus trying to find the right one that my little girl wanted. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Yasmin






























I think I had a nightmare last night that an army of Bratz slashed my anklez and then dragged me into a fiery pit where I was eaten by a dog with three headz.

But hey, the little girl really wanted it, and I'm glad that I can help make someone's Christmas a little brighter. Best part is she has no idea this is even coming to her.

"And that's why presents are so great. It's a great way to show someone how much you care. It's a way of saying "Hey, I love you...this many dollars worth"
-The Office

Season finale

Yesterday was my last taping day at Springer. And I got the best going away present I could ask for. A midget!!! Well I guess it wasn't really a present. They didn't GIVE him to me. He's not mine to keep or anything. Although I'm sure I could have shoved him in my backpack and run off. But I do have to go back on Sunday and they probably wouldn't be all that happy with me. Plus where would I keep him? What would I feed him?

His name was Domenic and he was fantastic. Apparently he had a small part on an episode of The Sopranos. I don't know anything about that, but I do know he was absolutely enthralled by Tyra Banks' talk show. You could tell he watches it frequently also, because he was very well educated in the world of Tyra. He knew all about the different segments such as the one where Tyra's mom gives generic advice to teenage girls about relationships. He didn't want pop. He wanted juice. Which is only funny because he was a midget. Otherwise I wouldn't have snickered when I saw. During the show he stripped down to his underwear and climbed the stripper pole.

I'll miss that show.

My TV Show in class got voted "Best Presentation" and "Most Likely To Be Picked Up By A Network" and tied for "Best Marketing" So I was quite excited about that.

A declared a minor in Acting today.

And I sold my books back. Well. I sold one book back. They would only give me 5 for the other so I kept it. I paid 50 dollars for the book I did sell. I got 11 dollars back. I just don't get it. Why do they screw me over like that. I'd like to think there was some rational business reason for it. But I know it's just some bureaucratic bullshit and the man is trying to squeeze every last penny out of my broke ass. I'd like to do some research and find out what really goes down with the book buyback bull. I'll call Dateline. Diane Sawyer's got that shit on lock I bet.

Do you ever wonder about pharmacies? I do. I marvel at them. I am in awe whenever I am at one. It's just so much to comprehend. They have everything. All the different things you might need a prescription for and all of the different drugs for it. It's all there. It seems so small to carry so much. Even obscure ailments like excessive underarm sweating and feminine odor itching have cures and remedies, all stocked up at your local pharmacy. How do they do it? How do they have so much stuff? So many different pills.

I'm getting sick. I'm at that "I can tell I'm going to get sick" stage where you are supposed to take the Airborne. I was going to buy some today but I didn't have enough money. Had I got more money for selling my textbooks I could have afforded Airborne, and I wouldn't get sick. Now I'll probably get pneumonia and most likely die because eFollett only wanted to give me 5 dollars for "From Concept to Screen."

twenty oh five out

So I guess you go through your old posts and copy and paste the first sentence of each month to make your "year in review" Let's try.

January:

New Years Eve Highlights- Tequila in the bathroom, Alcoholic energy drinks, "Watch out, the floor is salty"

February:

I love television

March:

A lot of people replied to my last post and gave me advice. I deleted it.

April:

Thought I ran into you down on the street

May:

Well, it's about time I wrote about this weekend. Quite possibly (not really, more like indefinitely) the best weekend I have had in a long time.

June:

Yeah I'm still alive.

July:

Ok well I'm in Chicago for part of the summer.

August:

Soooo wake up Sunday morning, I put on a bathing suit and T-Shirt, with plans to go in the Millenium Park fountain (with the kids faces) if it ever gets too hot.

September:

I didn't go to bed on Saturday. And I was still drunk at noon.

October:

A year ago this weekend I went to Indiana where Kara and I ate White Castle and drove around.

November:

I barely had any friends in Florida.

December:

Last week I rearranged my room.


Was 2005 really that boring?

Life with no parole

You'll probably think I'm a loser for writing an entire post about a TV show. But at this point I feel I have to.

A few weeks ago, Fox pretty much cancelled Arrested Development. Here's the story.

A normal season of a sitcom is 22 episodes. After all of the drama and debate about whether or not Arrested Development would be picked up again, it indeed was.

HOWEVER. We were told it was picked up for 22 episodes. Wrong. Ohhh...how naive I was, as a TV major, to even believe that a show with such bad ratings was actually picked up for a full season.

As with most "questionable" shows (see: Reunion) Arrested Development was indeed only signed for 13 episodes. It was never picked up for a full season. Just for 13 episodes. And trust me, with the ratings it's been recieving, we are lucky we actually got the entire 13. Fox decided (with somewhat good reason, and I'll get to that) to pass on ordering the "back 9." Thus, shortening the season to 13 episodes. Thus, cancelling the series.

So who do we blame? Do we blame the network? Those bastards! Cancelling a show as good as this! I'm sorry, but no. We really can't. The thing is....Arrested Development's ratings have been terrible. Ever since it first started, they have been declining. It actually set a record for the least watched show to win a Best Comedy Emmy. Yes. After the show won a fucking EMMY for being THE BEST COMEDY ON TELEVISION...less people watched it.

So blame goes to you, America. Yes. Keep devouring your trite and bland shows like America's Next Top Model, The OC, and Yes, Dear. Apparently you weren't ready. You didn't need a show as inspired as AD. You didn't want to invest your time and commitement to something. You wanted mental junk food. You wanted something you could sit in front of, enjoy, and shit out 10 minutes later. You weren't willing to give something a chance that required dedication.

Which brings me to this. You people that flat out say, "I did not like Arrested Development. It was not good."

How many episodes did you watch, straight through? Why did you decide that this show was not worth your time?

As I suspected. You probably didn't make it through an entire episode. Not once. And why? Oh. That answer is simple. Because Arrested Development is smarter than you. You thought it was weird. It didn't make sense. Because you, my friend, are what we call a passive viewer. You have can't dedicate yourself to anything. You can't truly invest yourself or your time.

That is why I do not blame Fox for this travesty. For what critics UNANIMOUSLY consider one of the best programs ever, being cancelled. Fox made the right business move. They cancelled a show that was doing poorly.

Because you wouldn't watch it. Because you didn't get it.

Idiot.

I hate you.

scratch that

Fatty McButterpants!

Today was one of those days.

We finally have a PA and a Production Intern again, so I'm doing a lot less work than I was on past shows. Actually, my responsibilities now include...absolutely nothing. Looking busy until someone tells me to do something.

There was a guy on the show today. His name was Joe. I hate him. I hate him because he's fat. I'm not lying. I do. I really do. And I'm not lying. It's because he's large. First, Joe refused to try on pants because he could "tell just by looking at them" that they would be too small. Then he refused to try on any shirt because "his neck wouldn't fit." Sure enough, the first shirt I brought him that he refused to try on fit perfectly. But that's not why I hate his fatness. This is why.

15 minutes before the show is about to start, it is all of the sudden decided that Joe MUST wear a belt. Now, none of our belts fit him, as they were bought to go around the waists of average people. Now those roughly 9 times larger than Nebraska. So guess who has to run out and find a giant belt in 15 minutes? Of course. Me. Bottom of the Totem Pole.

While I'm frantically running in and out of Walgreen's, Payless, Hugo Boss, Nordstrom, Gap, and Marshall's, it occurs to me. I am freezing my ass off and running as fast as I can. Why? Because this man is too large for any belt I can find. Because this man is fat, I am suffering. There's irony in this too. I am getting a physical workout, because this man is overweight. Funny. And when I get back, of course the largest belt I could find doesn't work. And what does this guy do? He laughs at me. Haha you're so stupid because you couldn't find a belt large enough for me at 6 different stores, including one that has a designated "Big and Tall" section. So I hate him.

I've also been doing some things for Steve too. Security guard Steve. The bald one. You know who I'm talking about.

Last week I had to run to Walgreen's and back and get him two gallons of distilled water. Ummm if you're so big and buff and in need of distilled water, why don't YOU go running with two gallon jugs? Then today I went to go pick up his dinner at P.J. Clark's. When I brought it to him he told me I looked like I was 15. Ok...

The best part was when I was asked to sign his autograph for the pictures that the guests of the show get. That's right. Every guest of the show goes home with an autographed picture of Jerry and one of Steve. And guess what. Today's guests have my autograph. Neat.

In life outside of Springer, things are good. I've gotten out of my bi-monthly slump. Expect a happy and content Steve until January, at least. I can't make any garauntees but I think with the Holidays and stuff coming up I can pull it off. Ho Ho Ho!

Take it down, put it back together

Last week I rearranged my room. I took down my loft and took down all my posters. It looks like a prison cell. No. Worse. It looks like an apartment at Disney World. (Vista, not Chatham. My room was great and you know it. Los Aristogatos!) So now I want to put it back how it used to be. I'd have done it already but I don't want to have taken my room apart and put it back together the exact same way in less than a week. I'd look stupid. So I'll just talk about it on the internet instead.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. I've got my internship still going on, final projects and whatnot, and I'm going to be working crew on Streetcar Named Desire for my crew class. I am not looking forward to crew. I'm also not looking forward to going to my internship. I am, however, looking forward to being done with crew. I am also looking forward to being done with my internship.

Next week I'm supposed to be at Springer and Streetcar at the same time. This is really, really bad. It's not just one of those "Oh I'll tell one of them I can't make it" kind of things. I HAVE to be at both. Springer is a professional internship. I have to give them two weeks notice if I need a day off. It's too late for that. I need to leave a good impression with them, and asking for one of my last days off would not really do that. But I have to work crew. I HAVE to work
on this show for class. Or I fail the class. I can't fail the class. I can't fail any class. This semester has just felt like a big mess. I can't wait for it to be over. Next semester will feel much more structured and normal. I'm all about that.

Arrested Development's replacement on FOX is called "Skating With The Stars" and I'm not joking. The worst part? It will get more viewers than AD.

So besides Batman Begins and Dawson's Creek, what has Katie Holmes done? Why is she so famous? Because she's dating the craziest bastard ever and completely oblivious to it?

Remember Teaching Mrs. Tingle? Abandon? Wonderboys? Disturbing Behavior? The Gift? Anything?

cricket noises

Chapter 3: What Do You Really Need To Go "Back To School" Shopping For?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: You may find that this chapter is shorter and not as interesting as the others. I'd like to explain why. It's quite simple. My time at Old Navy was indeed shorter and not as interesting as the others. Thank you.


After coming home from Australia and promptly quitting Red Robin, I took a few weeks off to relax. But unemployment didn't last that long, once again. Now that I had a car and an actual life, I was actually spending money. So once again I needed a job. I went around different places and applied. Old Navy seemed easy. They called me and wanted me to work seasonal for them. Just for the Back To School season. They told me my last day would be October 5th. I'm telling you that because it's important. Keep that in mind. Log it away, if you will.

So it didn't take long for Old Navy to suck enormously. It was the first time I had to work 8 or 9 hour days. Not fun. I started in August, so I was still out of school. Some nights they would schedule me until 11:30 to work shipment, and then schedule me to come in at 7 the next morning. I don't know if you've ever been into an Old Navy, but I assume every American has at one point. Well you may be familar with the fact that all of their storage is held on the shelves above the displays. What this meant is that I was constantly walking up and down ladders.

Have you ever been to Old Navy when it was busy? It is comparable to a day at the zoo. Women (I'm not being sexist. I've worked in retail long enough to know this for an absolute fact) generally refuse to fold clothes after they unfold them to look at them. On a related subject, women are messy and disrespectful as shit when it comes to bathrooms too. Honestly. Go to any public restroom and compare the Women's to the Men's. You'll see what I'm taking about.

Anyway, by the end of the day, the place would be a mess, and we would spend approximately 17 hours folding and straightening before we went home. I started to find folding clothes to be quite Zen. I could really just get into my zone and fold until the cows came home.

The headset. The fucking headset. Any time someone tells them they work at Old Navy, do NOT respond by asking "Do you get to wear the headset?" If I had a dollar for everytime someone had asked me that...well, I could have quit Old Navy a lot sooner. Straight up, the headset was pointless. I don't think they are ever used professionally in any way. Generally they were used to talk with eachother or make fun of customers. Mostly making fun of customers. Once my boss called me on the headset and told me to keep an eye on a lady that looked like she was stuffing baby clothes into her purse. I went up to ask if she needed help and to be a good employee. (FYI, a majority of potential shoplifters will change their mind if employees acknowledge them) But she was kind of big and scary so I walked away. I didn't care if she stole anyway. It wasn't coming out of my paycheck.

It's true. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Once Old Navy started to suck (about 10 seconds into orientation) I immediately started to miss Red Robin. I actually went back to visit a few times after work. Kim was still great. She didn't hold a grudge. I told her I hated Old Navy and she told me she'd hire me back. I was ecstatic. She called me the next day and said all I had to do was come in and talk to Duane about some stuff and she could put me back on the schedule.

Duane.

fuck

you

Duane.

So of course, Duane had no intention of rehiring me. I could tell that as soon as I sat down. He said that he normally wouldn't give someone a second chance if they pulled something like what I did. That 10 minute conversation with him was all I needed to realize that...no. I did not want to go back to Red Robin.

Besides, I was seasonal at Old Navy! Remember!? October 5th.

Well. October 5th came and went. I was still being scheduled. Turns out so many people had quit since I had been there that they decided to keep me. Apparently they saw no reason to tell me that. Screw that. I put in my 2 weeks. I forget what I told them. Some lie about not being able to handle work and school. (FYI, "I just can't handle having a job and going to school" is a foolproof excuse for quitting any job)

WE GOT ONE!!!

"The next Real World will be shot in Detroit. And so will some of the cast members." -SNL

It's true. The Real World 18 will be shooting in Detroit. OK...Royal Oak. But whatever. Who would have imagined we actually would have a Real World: Detroit.

gobble it up

I'm home for Thanksgiving weekend. It's nice to be home. It's nice to be able to sleep in my real bed. My bed has strange powers. It has the power to make me sleep for at least 12 hours at a time. It's nice. I got up at 3 today.

Life has been good. I was definitely ready to come home though. The week before I came home was not that great. I wasn't really in a very good mood. Only 2 or 3 people really know the exact reason, and anyone who might have caught a certain blog I posted at 2 AM but deleted about 10 minutes later. But if you don't already know, you're not going to. Because it's over now. Water under the bridge, I suppose.

Right now I'd like to say classes are going well. But umm...I don't know if they are. I HOPE they are. I can't imagine that I'm doing that badly in any of them, because let's remember, this is Columbia. I had to skip one class yesterday because I was coming home, and that's the one that worries me. Ehh...I guess as long as I get a C I could really care less. It's just really hard to care about my classes. I don't know why. I blame the internship. True, the internship is only two days a week, and I have more than enough time to get my work done for my classes, but...whatever.

Thanksgiving was decent. Dinner was good. It wasn't plain noodles or toast, so a definite step up from what I've been eating lately. Saw some family, made a Christmas list. Got in an argument with my Dad about paying my doctors bills. Apparently although I can't afford to feed myself I should still be responsible for paying for what insurance doesn't cover. OK. Fine. I'll do it.

Went out with Emily, Todd, and Kristin last night. It was a reunion of sorts. We hung out a lot at Western so it was really nice seeing them all again. And we're all 21 now! It's just so weird. Like...these people were my life 2 years ago. Emily and Kristin were always around, and Todd....Todd was my fucking homeboy. Now I see them probably no more than 3 or 4 times a year. It's actually really, really sad. But tonight was fun. Every time we get together it's like we've never been apart. After Kristin and Emily left Todd and I stayed at the bar for a little while longer. It was really good to see him again. Hopefully he'll come out to Chicago soon. I think everyone would find us hilarious. Well, I find us hilarious. Everyone else might think we're stupid.

The highlight of the night was when this 31 year old girl came up and flirted with Todd. Granted, she was extremely good looking. But it was still funny. She was 31. Todd is 21. And looks like he's 15. I was entertained. I even wrote about it in my diary. I laughed about it later.

I'm hungry. I quit

Thousand fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes

I'm invincible. And it feels damn good.

Happy 200 Jess! Here's to 200 more!

I am, of course, referring to how many pounds Jess Dangles has lost since going on the South Beach diet! At this rate she might even be able to get out of bed by Christmas!

I had to work backstage crew on a play for one of my classes. It sucked real bad. For 2 weeks I was either at crew, my internship, or class. I didn't do laundry, buy groceries, clean my room, or shower in that whole two weeks. Ok, yeah, I showered. But I barely had time to repeat after I lathered and rinsed. Luckily that's all behind me now. I have to do another in December, but I don't even want to think about it right now.

Yesterday I saw something gross. It was raining (gross!) and there was a family (gross!) walking down the sidewalk (gross!). And this little girl was looking up to the sky with her mouth open to catch the rain in it (gross!). The thing is, she wasn't really catching rain falling from the sky. She was catching rain that was running down the awning of the Cingular store. Do you think her parents said anything? Nope. They didn't tell her to stop. The didn't hit her. They didn't even push her down into a puddle and hold her face in it. It seems that parents today are becoming very lazy and letting kids do just about anything. This girl is drinking garbage water. My mom wouldn't even let me play with Play-Doh anywhere except the kitchen floor.

A lot of bad news in TV this week.

Arrested Development is being cancelled.

&$*##^# died on Lost.

#&# *!@%# did it.

Good news though....Tony Danza is taping his talk show in Chicago tomorrow. Right next to our studio...and we are taping tomorrow too. Sooo there's a chance I may see...or EVEN MEET Mr. Tony Danza!!!! I don't know if I can handle it. What if I were to meet Tony Danza and Jerry Springer was there too! What if we got our picture together! What if we all went out to dinner! What if we all got a loft in LA together!





Don't even pretend you aren't jealous.

I'm going to start writing a pilot for Off The Clock. I really like what we've done with it in my producing class, so I think I'm going to keep going with it.

Chapter 2: Home of the Smiling Burger: Why I'll Never Name My Son Duane

So Twist & Shout was dead. Now I was 15. I turned 15 while I worked there. I said I was going to have a birthday party. Juli asked me if I was going to have a keg. Yeah. of root beer.

I don't know why I applied to work at Red Robin. Aside from the fact that they hired 15 year olds. It was a different world from Twist and Shout. Now I wasn't working with other teenagers, I was working with real life adults who did this for a living. This made me about as comfortable as Mr. Rogers at a KKK rally. There was this one waitress, Sharon. She rode her bike to work. Yeah, that seems kind of cool, I guess. Someone riding their bike. How quirky and endearing, right? Yeah you say that reading this, but in reality, a 40 year old woman who rides her bike to wait tables at Red Robin isn't really that endearing. It's just weird. And kind of creepy. She was nice though. She always had gum. OF COURSE she always had gum.

I grew up fast when Red Robin hired me. The protective barrier that separated me from the other employees came crashing down instantly. It was called the Deviation of Hours form. Basically, it was a permission slip for my parents to sign, saying that it was alright for me to work as late as the restaurant needed me. Basically, it was saying that I was now a slave to Duane, the manager. Basically, it was saying that every night that I worked my mom would be waiting outside in the car for a half hour while Duane made me roll silverware. Basically, it sucked.

Duane. I hate that name. I didn't like it before Red Robin and I despise it now. It's not pronounced "Dwayne" it's "Duh-wayne" Even worse if you ask me. Duh-Wayne seemed to have it out for me. I was weak and he was strong. I was his victim. His puppet. His red headed stepchild.

"Katie you're going to be in charge of the host stand tonight because Steve probably couldn't handle it"

"Steve there's dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom, go throw it out."

"Steve, why don't you ever step up to be in charge at the host stand?"

"Steve, take this party to section 2"

"Steve why the hell did you just double seat section 2?"

"Black socks Steve. Go home and put on BLACK socks"

"I don't trust you to be in charge of the host stand. Katie will do it"

"You need to learn what to do when you're in charge of the host stand. Why don't you ever step up to it?"

He also yelled at me if I didn't answer the phone correctly. We were supposed to answer the phone by saying "We're having a FANTASTIC day at Red Robin, home of the smiling burger, how can help you?" I tried to explain to him that it was just physically impossible for somebody to have enough breath in their lungs to say that whole retarded greeting, but he wouldn't listen. Dick.

If Duh-Wayne was everything wrong with Red Robin, Kim, the assistant manager, was that one small beacon of light. She was only manager there while she was going back to school to get her teaching degree. She liked me. She understood that I was just a kid and sympathized with me. She'd even let me go home early on nights that we weren't busy. Duane would make me scrub the floor if we weren't busy. Kim was even responsible for why I almost went back to Red Robin later on, after I left. But that's a story for chapter 3.

The other hosts were alright. I really don't remember most of them. I wasn't as outgoing and fun as I was at Twist & Shout. I didn't have a chance to be. We had some fun times though. Some of my coworkers were pretty nice. People either looked at me as a puppy that needed to be kicked, or a little brother that needed to be protected. One of the servers would always ask me about my social life and if I had a girlfriend. Another one would ask me why I walked so funny.

That summer I went to Australia for 3 weeks. I told Duane and Kim that I was leaving and would let them know when I was ready to come back. I knew all along I had no intentions whatsoever to return, but I didn't want to quit. I was too afraid. This was a perfect way out of it. Looking back on it, outright quitting would have given Duane more satisfaction, where as this would just end up screwing him over somewhat.

So I did the whole Australian adventure thing, came back to the States, and where did I decide to go for my first dinner home?

Red fucking Robin.

"Hey Steve when did you wanna start work again? I put you back on the schedule since I knew you were coming back!"




Oops...

soggy bloggy

I barely had any friends in Florida.

I think that's why I miss it a lot.

Things were so simple.

Chapter 1 "Knot a Problem: A Lesson In Child Labor Laws"

I don't know exactly what it was that ever possessed me to get a job at 14. I didn't need one. I mean, I was only 14. What bills did I have to pay? What could have possibly come over me to make me think that it would be a good idea to seek employment at such a young age? I couldn't answer that even if I were willing to try, which believe me, I'm not.
It was November of my Freshman year. Everything was going smoothly. I played saxophone in the Marching Band, where we took 2nd in the state, I was in a committed relationship, and for the first time in 6 years, I was going to the same school as my brother. However, there were still a few problems with my seemingly wonderful High School career. I hated Marching Band, I couldn't have cared less about my girlfriend, with whom I tried to keep any sort of contact with to a minimum, and my brother was an asshole.
Whatever the case was, I persuaded my mom to drive me (14 remember? The concept of me driving anything was still way beyond the horizon) to the mall, so that I could pick up an application. I filled it out in the bleachers of my girlfriend Lindsay's basketball game. It may have been spelled Lindsey. I'm not sure. All I remember is that I used to spell it wrong, which got her angry. I really wasn't the best boyfriend. I'll admit that up front now. I really wasn't too interested in being together. "Going out" just happened to be easier than breaking up and hurting her feelings. I've since learned that this is the exact sort of behavior that makes girls hate boys, and often turns them into motorbike riding lesbians. The whole relationship charade went on for far too long. Sometimes things just get too comfortable and you don't want it to end. I wouldn't say our relationship was all that "comfortable." I wouldn't even really say it was a matter of convenience. My fear of losing certain friends and hurting Lindsay's feelings is really all that kept us together. It was the moment that this idiot girl handed Lindsay (Lindsey?) a piece of paper listing reasons why she should break up with me that I finally said screw it. This is over. That and the fact that I wasn't going to give Lindsey (Lindsay?) a chance to dump me first. (I should also mention that "His nostrils are too big" was one of the reasons mentioned on the list. Don't you love High School?) I've gotten way off topic here...So yeah. I was applying for a job.
With what would turn out to be the job first application of a number greater than you'd ever imagine, my mom drove me to Twist & Shout and I turned it in. About three days later, I received a phone call from the manager, Kristine, asking me to come in for an interview. Looking back on it, I wasn't really that nervous at the interview. Why would I be? I was 14. It was a job selling pretzels. Really not something I would have classified as a major milestone in my life. Turns out I was wrong about that. Oh man, listen to me, getting all self reflective. A few days later, Kristine called me back and offered me the job. I was now officially a "Team Member" at Twist & Shout Pretzels.
I was young. Oh God I was young. And innocent. So innocent. I didn't know anything. About anything. Everyone I worked with was so much older than me. Ok, two or three years, but at 14, that is a world of difference. I couldn't even drive to work, for Christ's sake. My mom had to drive me to and from work. The others used this fact to make fun of my on a daily basis. Adding to my humiliation, my mom would forget to pick me up more often than she actually remembered to.
I showed up for my first day of work and learned the basics. Rolling pretzels, baking them, selling them. Monkeys work, really.
Aside from Kristine, I met Andy and Jessica that day. Andy was 16. Later on we would start calling him "Slow Andy." Andy was a great kid. It wasn't that he was stupid. He was actually kind of bright. He just didn't think. At all. It was my opinion that Andy had a disorder in which his brain and mouth were permanently detached from each other. One time Lynn called Andy "Captain Obvious" after he said something stupid, to which Andy replied "Whatever...Captain......Virginity!" Like I said. Great kid. He just didn't think all that much. I also met Jessica. One of the two "Team Leaders." Jessica was extremely tiny. With her huge platform shoes on, she still barely broke 4 feet. She was cute and young looking. I was surprised to find out she was 18. 18 seemed so old. She could drive. She smoked. She graduated High School! That made her an adult. That made her an authority. I think I met Nicole that day too. She came in later on. We rolled pretzels together for most of the day. She taught me how. Nicole was short and kind of dirty. Her hair was short and spiky and died a reddish orange color. After Nicole left, it was decided amongst the rest of us that she was not missed. And that she was a lesbian. She wore the same tattered long john shirt underneath her Twist & Shout shirt every day and it got pretty nasty. One day she burnt her arm really bad, and she insisted on showing it to us every time she worked. Like I said, Nicole was not missed.
I'd also eventually meet Lynn, the other supervisor. Lynn was 19 but she didn't talk to me like I was kid. Then there was Brynne. Ohhh where to even begin with Brynne.
Anything that I may have done wrong in my High School days, Brynne is completely responsible for. That's all I can say. Brynne corrupted me. We're actually still good friends. It's been seven years and we still talk. Who knows what I would be like today if I hadn't met Brynne.
Child labor laws were awesome. Being 14 in Michigan meant there were certain rules to be followed.
- No more than 18 hours a week.
- Working no later than 7:00 at night.

Now, if I couldn't get into work until 2:30 on a school day, and couldn't work passed 7, this made for an extremely easy job. Especially since we weren't busy at all. Our side of the mall was a ghost town on weekdays. Twist and Shout, the movie theatre, and supercuts. We had some fun times. I learned a lot about myself there. To be honest, I wouldn't be the sarcastic, witty, outspoken guy I am today if it hadn't been for that little pretzel place. I also wouldn't have learned these important lessons:

1. The secret ingredient to the pretzels was brown sugar.
2. Smelling salt can be very dangerous when it falls into the hands of bored teenagers.
3. Gum remover serves a great deal of purposes aside from the obvious one.
4. Sometimes a frozen coke machine might LOOK like it's going to be watery and melted, but once you start dispensing it becomes a thick and frosty treat.
5. If you keep a pretzel out for a month and then drop it, it will shatter.
6. There's no real reason to clean baseboards.
7. One of the Sailor Moon characters is a lesbian.
8. Vulpix evolves into Ninetails.
9. You can microbrew rootbeer.
10. How to roll a pretzel.
11. Raisins have NO BUSINESS being in a pretzel.
12. Mucky Duck mustard is an acquired taste.


The end came quite abruptly to our days at Twist & Shout. In retrospect, we really should have seen it coming. We were using generic plastic cups and napkins for about 2 months, and never received new ones with our logo. We never made more than $250 dollars a day in sales. And the biggest sign of the end being very well nigh...most of the other stores had already shut down. It didn't come as a surprise to us that we were closing. No. T'was the manner in which we were informed of the store's demise that was surprising.

I had Sunday off. I worked Saturday and one of the managers from another store came in and told us that the company wasn't doing well. I knew I better start looking for another job, but why rush? I had time, didn't I? They wouldn't just CLOSE THE PLACE without informing us!

...yeah they would.

Jason called me on Sunday to deliver the news. Apparently he had gone into work and the gate was closed. The gate was closed and people were moving stuff out. Twist & Shout was gone for good and we didn't even get a goodbye. We didn't even get to steal all the random crap that we planned to steal once the place finally did close. I didn't even get my Space Monkey stuffed animal that I kept on the counter as the store mascot. Luckily Brynne managed to retrieve Space Monkey. And he is still at home in my bedroom, safe and sound.

I'll tell you one thing, when I was filling out the application at Lindsey's (Lindsay's?) basketball game, I never would have dreamed that I'd have so much to write about eight years later.

All oiled up

What's new?

Sox won the series. I'm over it and so is Chicago. It was fun though. Downtown was nuts. They had to put up fences around our building to make sure there were no riots and no one rushed into the streets. As soon as the game was over everbody ran out of the building and crowded the sidewalks. Then we took it to the streets. People everywhere were screaming and all the cars were honking. It was pretty cool just to be there. Then we went to the stadium where there was even more pandemonium. Then on the train back these two big topless black girls walked through our car twice screaming "Go Sox"

The worst part? Everyone was extremely shocked and disgusted by these two girls...

And I found it normal. I'm used to it. That makes me feel dirty.

Last night was night 1 of Halloween weekend. It was pretty fun. The parties were way too crowded though but it was a good time. I took Sarah out with us because she had never been to a big party before. If she never goes out for the rest of her life I guess I'm to blame.

Anyway, this was me.



I was a mechanic. Just wanted to wear coveralls really... And get dirty. I went a little overboard with the black paint. I decided to put it in my hair. Did you know facepaint shouldn't go in hair? Moreover, did you know black face paint shouldn't go in blonde hair? Yeah. Oops. The flower shoor is black. I meant to say shower floor. I actually typed that wrong. I thought it was funny so I left it.

I freaking love Halloween.

Damn Bones Damn Bones

Just wanted to say THANK YOU MATT for the wireless internet. It is much appreciated! It makes me happier than...well..happier than orange Kool-Aid makes me!





And THAT'S happy!!!

A good drinking game would be take a shot every time they advertise "Bones" during the Sox game. Seriously.

"That was a great hit, wasn't it. Just want to take a minute to remind everyone to tune in next Tuesday for an all new episode of Fox's new hit show "Bones." Let's BONES take a look at the replay WATCH BONES WATCH BONES WATCH BONES. Joe Crede is having quite a night, and will be WATCHING BONES NEXT TUESDAY AT 8. We'll be back after this."

Then it's a commercial for Bones. Then a commercial for Geico. Then Harry Potter. Then Bones. Then another one for Bones.

Sick of me saying "Bones?" OK I'll stop.


...just make sure to watch BONES next TUESDAY!! David Boreanez stars...in BONES!


Not to be racist or anything but...and I know you agree with me on this one. You know when you sign up for something online and have to select your country? And it's the scroll list and the countries are all in alphabetical order? Don't you wish that Unites States was always on top? Here I am scrolling down past Botswana and Kazakhstan to find the leader of the western world nuzzled up between United Kingdon and Uruguay. I'm not being a supremicist or anything, I'm just saying. Compare how many people sign up for myspace in the USA compared to the Syrian Arab Republic.

I'm just saying.




...and be sure to watch Bones on Tuesday

it's not oprah. i get it

Another sober Saturday...two weeks in a row now. I guess my Thursday and Friday nights make up for that though. Spent the day with my family that is in town. Had dinner, played with Shilo, watched the Sox win (OK fine I DO care but only kind of). Came back and didn't bother to go out. Too lazy.

It's been a while since I updated, what did I talk about last I don't even remember. Hmmm..

Springer has been going well. Mondays I work the show and that's always interesting. I come home feeling wrong, though. Like...last week, as I was getting the transexual a straw for her energy drink and she was telling me her nipples were hard, it hit me. What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this really an experience that I need? Escorting a pimp and a prostitute outside so that they can chainsmoke like bandits....is that in some way relevant to a career in writing and producing? I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Other days I just work in audience. Which really means sit and answer the phone and say "Thanks for calling The Jerry Springer Show what city are you calling from?" Over and over until my throat is raw. People that call for tickets are sometimes even worse that people who call to be on the show. And trust me, the people who call to be on the show are pretty ridiculous.

"Hi Jerry this is Shelia May....I'm callin' cause I wanna be on the show. I have a 380 dollar phone bill Jerry. And I need to be on the show so you can help me with my phone bill. It's 380 dollars."

Yeah...ok lady, how about we stop calling talk shows to tell them our financial troubles? That might save you a little on the phone bill. Or try Vonage. People do stupid things. Woo hoo woo hoo hoo!

So I know what you are wondering. Is it fake or is it not fake? Well, much like when I signed away every basic right that I had in Florida to ensure the preservation of Disney magic, I was required to do the same thing for Springer. All I can say is this. These people come to us. We do not make it up.

Our studio is right by where Jenny Jones used to tape. Too bad she's gone. God knows I'd love to meet Mrs. Jones. I heard that interns for her show weren't even allowed bathroom breaks. I bet that was at Jenny's request. Chicken, Rachel, and I used to intentionally stay up until 2am to watch Jenny Jones freshman year. It was BET Uncut from 1-2 and then Jenny. BET Uncut is an excellent program. If you are into quality music such as "I ain't got no panties on" and high art music videos, especially those featuring slapping girls asses with buttered spatulas, then I highly recommend BET Uncut.

Eric turned 21 yesterday. He got a keg and we had a party at Jason's. It was a lot of fun. Jason's is always a good time. Eric brought the empty keg back here. He's going to keep it on the window ledge. I think we should decorate it for Christmas. Even put presents around it.

Are you COMPLETELY unattainable?


Then yeah, I'll probably start to like you.

Things that have been said that I laugh at

Steve: Cheez-Its that fight and run away will live to fight another day.
Matt: That's a fishful of lies!
Steve: I think the phrase is "boat"
Matt: Fish are close to boats



Maggie: Eat your chili, JonBenet



Zach: That's not a dorkins its a shmuh!! No! It's a raft!



gankSTErsteVE: sorry i didnt get hold with yo this par y wat SHIT and i ha no service ther. i shoud call the andlord
gankSTErsteVE: im missing letters
gankSTErsteVE: u t d e l l
gankSTErsteVE: those are the letters i missed
Prple32: they're shitty letters anyways
Prple32: you weren't missing much
gankSTErsteVE: oh i know i talked to the letter people about it

Righteous Brother

Home for the weekend. Pretty uneventful, which I'm not at all used to anymore. But it was nice. Slept until 1. Took a nap. Layed around.

Saw "The Fog" with my brother and Julie. It was....boring. Most scary movies don't have enough plot and try too hard to scare you. This one tried too hard to make a plot. Wayyy too hard. It felt like it was an hour too long, and it was only an hour and a half. Maggie Grace and her hotness wasn't even enough to save it. It definitely helped though. Ohhh...Maggie. Shannon from Lost. Awwww...Lost. Do you watch Lost? Oh man you should be.

And Arrested Development. And 24. These are why I went into Television instead of Film.

Speaking of TV, my TV Producer class picked my show idea to develop for the rest of the semester. Everyone was supposed to come in and pitch an idea and then we voted for our top 4 favorites. The 4 shows with the most votes were the ones that the class would work on for the semester. 10 of the 12 people in the class had mine in their top 4. Made me feel good about myself. I don't often succeed at things, and aside from being funny, don't have much talent. It's cool when something I do is considered good. And no I'm not trying to fish for compliments. I'm just saying.

My show is called "Off The Clock." It's about a bunch of people that work at a popular family amusement park. All day they are smiling and happy and working with kids. At night they go wild. Sex, drugs, rock & roll, drama. Can ya guess where I got that idea from?

Had to pick up my brother from a wedding tonight. He was wasted. Still is. He and his friends are being really obnoxious. How can people be so obnoxious when they drink? I know I would never act like...umm...nevermind. Guess I would. How many classy awards have I won so far?

Haha. Classy awards. In our little group, whoever does the most ridiculous things when they are drunk recieve the Classy award for the week. The first time I won was because I was still drunk at noon without ever going to bed. The second time was for not only swallowing Ashley's gum, but for drinking a 40 in plain sight on the train. Ohhh college.

Home is nice because it's relaxing and stuff, but it's also annoying cause you're constantly wondering what's going on back at school. You don't want to go home and miss the most talked about night of the year. Then again, most of the times that I go home, I end up in Kalamazoo. And those times are always 10 times crazier than anything you've seen me do in Chicago. Last time I was at Alicia's there was fireworks, running through a graveyard from police, and oh so much more. Awww Kalamazoo. You guys are great.

Chicago. You guys are great too.

I'm really lucky know all the awesome people I know. Whether we're singing messed up christmas carols, laying on the futon all day watching horrible movies, going to the beach with plastic beer bottles, going to taco bell at 3am, reflecting by the water, playing power hour, shopping at jewel, drinking the beast out of a watermelon cup, rapping about billygoats, drinking a 40 out of a garfield cup, watching lost, having a birthday celebration, making a ghost costume out of plastic mattress covers, spending quality time with bethesda, eating dinner with disney characters and dodger, spending quality time with nigs, spending quality time with sgt. pepper, spending quality time with oliver, writing nice things on paper, driving around with a sprite can and a can of tuna, playing "get drunk in 15 minutes," playing beer pong, playing beirut, having cake fights, watching 24, looking for a missing hamster when drunk, balancing on our ladders, playing the alphabet game, riding carousel of progress because space mountain is too long of a wait, playing in the rain on the terrace, and everything else.

I hope college never ends.

it's important to know where you stand.

it might feel like a kick in the chest....but at least you know

hellular phone

Just discovered I don't have free nights. Just free weekends. Don't bother calling my cell phone until next June.

Class Act

I woke up this morning with a giant Elizabethtown subway sign in my room. How'd it get there? Could it have something to do with the game I invented, Garfield 40 Drinking Frenzy? Yeah, that's probably part of it.

Had to get up early for my internship after a LOOONNNNNGG night. Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard. And all I did was sit all day on the phone so it wasn't too bad. Just mind numbingly boring.

Pegosaurus Rex came out of Beer Pong retirement for one game last night, where he handed the amateurs their asses on a silver platter with a side of baby carrots.

I drunk dialed Kara O'Connell. That's something new.

Today I was going through and booking tickets for people that e mailed the show. I got to the 3rd one and it was a girl I went to Lollapalooza with. Small world.

Hawt Dawg

Seriously. What the hell. It's October 4th. It's Fall. I said...OCTOBER. Why...is...it...so....HOT?!?!? Don't get me wrong, I like summer weather just as much as the next person, and I'm certainly glad it's not snowing and there is no freezing wind tearing the skin off my face. But come on. 85 degrees in October? I want Fall weather already. Mother Nature has been a merciless bitch this year.

I think I wouldn't care so much about it being this hot still, but after spending the summer in a giant stone house with no air conditioning, that acted as an oven every day, I'm really looking forward to some cooler weather.

85 DEGREES! OCTOBER!

Don't you get it! This is a sign. First last year's hurricanes in Florida now Katrina and Rita...and an October heat wave in Chicago. The end is coming. We screwed up our planet. Greenpeace is laughing at us now. We're screwed. Things are gonna get worse and worse now. Didn't you see "The Day After Tomorrow?" No probably not. Well didn't you see the commercial at least? That shit is true. And now its happening. Why aren't the news people commenting on this? There's probably a conspiracy too. There's always a conspiracy.

I suggest you find out when your next HBO free preview weekend is so that you can watch "The Day After Tomorrow" as well. And study it. Survival skills. Very important.

The movie wasn't really that bad I guess. It was fun watching Tokyo and LA and NY get destroyed. But then it got boring. Crap about love and friendship and survival in the face of tragedy. Snooze. The dead girl from Mystic River was in it. And Jake Jellojiggler or Jellenhobble or whatever. You know the one. The one that looks exactly like Tobey Maguire. Speaking of conspiracies, does anyone else think that maybe he IS a clone? Tobey Maguire was really successful for about 9 seconds when Spider-Man came out. His people wanted to bank on that shit, so they made another Tobey. Slightly scruffier, a little edgier. Together Tobey and Jake could pull in millions. But then Jake learned what it was like to be human. Love and understanding and affection. And they lost him. And Kirsten Dunst bought him because he looked good with most of her clothes and her friends were starting to think she was kind of gay.

Anyway, moral of the story, the earth is ending and unless you see the movie with Tobey Maguire's scruffy clone then you have no chance of survival.

Oh baby oh baby oh

Funny, I only think of writing in this when I have like 20 other things to do that are more important. Clean...homework...read...but here I am. It's important this time too. This is something that needs to be said, and it needs to be said now.





I fucking HATE talking babies. More than anything in the world. Take everything else I hate (which believe me, is a lot of things) and combine them, and that's only half as much as I hate talking babies. It's not funny. It's not cute. It sure as HELL isn't original. So why do people keep making these commercials and movies and other things with talking babies? Especially Quizno's. I hate that one the most.





Remember that thing? Remember those commercials? Why did they get rid of them for a TALKING BABY? At least mice with zombie teeth and messed up eyes and silly hates was ORIGINAL. Does anyone see the Quizno's baby and think. "Haha! A talking infant! Clever! I'm going to eat Quizno's subs!" I doubt it.

Talking babies. God I hate it.



No wonder they're doing things like Battlefield: Earth and Pier 1 commercials now.


Two talking babies. Makes me want to put my wrists on the stove and leave them.


Talking animals is almost as bad. Funny, you'd think at this point Kirstie and John would prefer NOT to appear on the poster...


A new breed of evil. I just threw up a little.



And you wonder why the terrorists hate America.



Speaking of terrorists....can we hope that there will be a Baby Geniuses 3, in which the babies thwart the attempts of international terrorism? Cross your fingers...

Take a ride, take a ride

I didn't go to bed on Saturday. And I was still drunk at noon. I've been told that I win the classy award for the weekend. The thing is...I can't figure out what I did the whole night/morning. This is what I know.

Went out to Rock Bottom, had 2 shots and a beer. Met up with Lauren and Ken. Went to Cam's party, which had just been broken up. That, however, didn't stop me from drinking like a fiend. So yeah...let's see. Vodka was being chased with water, I drunk dialed every person in every single area code in the world. Went to White Hen at 3am for more chasers. Came back, called Twigger, who I talked to for about an hour. Then it was 5. And I decided I wanted to go to the lake and watch the sunrise. Well at about 5:45, I still had an hour to go, and decided I needed to rest for a few minutes...on the bathroom floor. Woke up and it was light out. Then puttered around doing who knows what until I changed and took out my contacts at 11. Welcome to college.

I've started listening to old radio shows every night when I go to bed. It helps me fall asleep. Last year Jill let me borrow some CD's of "The Shadow," which is so far my favorite. "The Avenger" is pretty good too. I can't listen to music, it keeps me up, but shows don't. I really don't pay much attention to them either. In fact I couldn't tell you what happened in an entire episode of any of them.

I start at Jerry Springer on Friday. Pretty excited. I'm sure I'll have tons of stories to tell about that. Fridays are office days for me so nothing too big will happen my first day. Mondays we record the show, and I work with the guests. That'll get interesting. Oh, apparently my grandma wants tickets to "Harry Springer." What do I do? My grandparents are coming in a few weeks. I think my grandpa would actually really want to go...but I can't give them tickets! They're my grandparents!! It's Jerry Springer!! They'll see boobs! Big fat ones!!

Speaking of big fat ones...oh no. Now I sound like a jerk. I shouldn't call people fat. I was just trying to come up with a transition between two stories. I didn't want this to seem too choppy. That and...well the girl was fat.

Our fitness center has been having serious problems with the treadmills lately. There are five, but at any given time, three of them don't work. You're lucky if two are working, even luckier if one is open. So I go down there, two girls are using them. One girl is running, the other-the girl I was just talking about a second ago- is walking. Good for you for walking. Fitness is important and I honestly commend you on recognizing that. HOWEVER, walking on a treadmill while talking on your cell phone and walking at the speed of 2 is NOT really exercise. Especially when after 2 minutes of walking, you press stop, and FUCKING STAND THERE, ON THE TREADMILL FOR 5 MINUTES. What, are you done? Get enough? Nope apparently not. Turn it back on, walk for 2 more minutes, rest for 5. It was like this for about a half hour. Now I'm not complaining that this girl was trying to work out. But if you want it to mean anything, put some fucking effort in.

Speaking of effort (I'm good at transitions), not a lot of of effort was put into this...

The People Mover

This is the website for Detroit's beloved transportation system...the people mover. Thanks to Kara for sending me to this site. Make sure you have your volume up when you check it out. You don't want to miss the people mover song!!!

I don't know if people not from Detroit will enjoy this as much as people from Detroit will. You see, you Chicago people think Detroit is just some crime infested cesspool. It's really not. It's got a lot of good stuff. Yeah it's kind of lame and a joke...but that's what we love about it. It's kind of endearing.

What we lack in web design capability and transit systems...we make up for in funk and soul.

I went to Panda Express today because I wanted me some orange chicken. Guess what time it closed. 2. Guess what time it opens. 11. It is open from 11-2. Three hours. What the fuck is the point. Then when I came home I hit my head on the table. I was even more pissed. So I took a 2 hour nap. Screw you panda express!

AO-etiquette (see what I did there?)

OK, here's the thing...

There are tons of things to do on a computer, aside from AIM. Homework...homework is one of them. Check e-mail. Read a good blog (or just settle for mine). Look at news/sports/weather. Play minesweeper. Play the Sims. Write a novel. Design websites. Make pictures. Look at porn. Upload your own porn.

The fact is...sometimes I might be doing something on my computer in addition to being on AIM. Usually homework. Sometimes minesweeper. Probably not porn because that requires closing the blinds which I am entirely too lazy to do. I can watch all the porn I want at Libby's anyway.

So...doing other things besides AIM. What does this mean to you, my AOL buddy? It means the fact that I am online does NOT mean I am devoting every ounce of my attention to you. It means I am here. Yes. I am available to be contacted. Yes. I will respond at some point. Yes. It doesn't mean that I will, or even can, respond the second you message me. So hold your freaking horses. I hate when I recieve something like this, all within 10 seconds:

NeedyNelly: Hey.
NeedyNelly: Are you there?
NeedyNelly: Fine I guess you are ignoring me. Bye.

Actually Nelly, I was not ignoring you. I was trying to finish a paragraph in my essay. Peace out.

Oh but Steve, why not put up an away message? Wouldn't that be easier? If you're too busy to be talking, why not do the right thing and let people know you aren't available, instead of complaining that people want to talk to you.

I'm not complaining that people want to talk to me. I'm complaining when people expect me to respond faster than you can say "aol face" I hate when the little beep hasn't even finished beeping and already I've gotten "WHERE ARE YOU"

Know what's awesome? The fact that you can now message people while you still have an away message up. Comes in handy. Genius. Yeah I had DeadAIM, you could do it on that, but still. I don't go for the add ons anymore. I prefer my messenger services like I prefer my street drugs. 100% all natural.

Another lesson...If there are stairs. Take them. Now everyone knows it is common courtesy to take the stairs down or up one level. Actually, it's called the "down 2 up 1" rule. Don't take the elevator down 2 flights or up 1. If you do, you risk being gutted and hung in the elevator shaft. "Down 2 up 1" isn't enough for me. I have bad elevator rage. In general, just don't get on after I get on and get off before I get off. That's wasting my time. I'm going from 3-14. If you are going from 5-12, fuck off. Get another elevator I'm not waiting. Sorry you broke your foot, crutches are a nuisance and that cast looks painful. But you're still walking to floor 7.

Oprah bashing...and why I'm good at fixing things

In second grade Mrs. Purcell told us that when you write a story you should never come up with the title until the story is over. While this sounds like some sort of obscure metaphor for life, it's not. I'm just saying. I didn't come up with a title for this entry yet. If I came up with a title then I'd feel obligated to stay on topic, and once I feel obligated to do something, well shit, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know what to talk about. Hmmm...too bad I didn't come up with a title yet. Then I'd know exactly what to talk about. Why am I still talking about the fucking title? I'm dwelling.

I could talk about how badly I need to shower because I just ran 2.5 miles. Yeah I know it's really nothing but I'm not exactly captain of the track team so show a little respect for my accomplishment. Running is supposed to release endorphins, which is supposed to make you feel good, but really it just made me feel sweaty and irritated. Screw running. Is Taco Bell still open? You might be surprised to know how much I've started running lately. Well, this is what I figure. Someone who is 45 years old and weighs 600 pounds would probably do ANYTHING if they could go back in time to when they were 21 and run a little bit more. Wouldn't you think? I don't want to be that person and look back on some moment when I decided to get a cheesy gordita crunch instead of workout. Serious...is Taco Bell still open?

On an unrelated but equally relevant topic, I got an interview to work on the Jerry Springer Show. Isn't that funny? A little over a year ago I was making magic at Disney World, now I'll be working with trailer trash and mexican midgets. Well...maybe the difference between Disney and Springer isn't as big as one would think after all...

A lot of people have said not to do it. "Go work for Oprah," is what my mom and everyone else in the world has told me to do. Yeah OK. See, there are two problems with that:

1. Everyone and their Uncle Ernie would kill to be an intern for Oprah.
2. I've already worked for an overgrown black tyrant:



Exhibit A


Pretty impressive that I got that picture on here isn't it? Yeah I,'ve always been really good with technology and computers and shit. I learned from my brother, who fixed his Game Boy when we were kids by throwing it across the dining room. Ever since then I have firmly believed that problems with computers can be fixed the same way as problems with people. Violence. A few years ago my computer crashed and the tech support guy, Justin (Funny, I can barely understand him through his extremely thick accent, but am really supposed to believe his name is JUSTIN) refused to tell me how to fix it. The scene went like this.

Steve: It won't start, this little cursor keeps blinking and nothing happens.
"Justin:" OK, I know what to do to fix it, but your warrenty expired last week. So I can't help you.
Steve: So the answer to my problem is sitting right in front of you but you can't help me?
"Justin:" That's right.
Steve: Fine I'll fix it myself.
Steve hangs up the phone, restarts the computer and bangs the keyboard with his hands as hard as he can. Computer functions perfectly fine once more. Steve realizes he has no need for HP's bullshit bureaucratic help line policy.

OK I think I came up with a title. So the story must be over. For now.