Oprah bashing...and why I'm good at fixing things

In second grade Mrs. Purcell told us that when you write a story you should never come up with the title until the story is over. While this sounds like some sort of obscure metaphor for life, it's not. I'm just saying. I didn't come up with a title for this entry yet. If I came up with a title then I'd feel obligated to stay on topic, and once I feel obligated to do something, well shit, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know what to talk about. Hmmm...too bad I didn't come up with a title yet. Then I'd know exactly what to talk about. Why am I still talking about the fucking title? I'm dwelling.

I could talk about how badly I need to shower because I just ran 2.5 miles. Yeah I know it's really nothing but I'm not exactly captain of the track team so show a little respect for my accomplishment. Running is supposed to release endorphins, which is supposed to make you feel good, but really it just made me feel sweaty and irritated. Screw running. Is Taco Bell still open? You might be surprised to know how much I've started running lately. Well, this is what I figure. Someone who is 45 years old and weighs 600 pounds would probably do ANYTHING if they could go back in time to when they were 21 and run a little bit more. Wouldn't you think? I don't want to be that person and look back on some moment when I decided to get a cheesy gordita crunch instead of workout. Serious...is Taco Bell still open?

On an unrelated but equally relevant topic, I got an interview to work on the Jerry Springer Show. Isn't that funny? A little over a year ago I was making magic at Disney World, now I'll be working with trailer trash and mexican midgets. Well...maybe the difference between Disney and Springer isn't as big as one would think after all...

A lot of people have said not to do it. "Go work for Oprah," is what my mom and everyone else in the world has told me to do. Yeah OK. See, there are two problems with that:

1. Everyone and their Uncle Ernie would kill to be an intern for Oprah.
2. I've already worked for an overgrown black tyrant:



Exhibit A


Pretty impressive that I got that picture on here isn't it? Yeah I,'ve always been really good with technology and computers and shit. I learned from my brother, who fixed his Game Boy when we were kids by throwing it across the dining room. Ever since then I have firmly believed that problems with computers can be fixed the same way as problems with people. Violence. A few years ago my computer crashed and the tech support guy, Justin (Funny, I can barely understand him through his extremely thick accent, but am really supposed to believe his name is JUSTIN) refused to tell me how to fix it. The scene went like this.

Steve: It won't start, this little cursor keeps blinking and nothing happens.
"Justin:" OK, I know what to do to fix it, but your warrenty expired last week. So I can't help you.
Steve: So the answer to my problem is sitting right in front of you but you can't help me?
"Justin:" That's right.
Steve: Fine I'll fix it myself.
Steve hangs up the phone, restarts the computer and bangs the keyboard with his hands as hard as he can. Computer functions perfectly fine once more. Steve realizes he has no need for HP's bullshit bureaucratic help line policy.

OK I think I came up with a title. So the story must be over. For now.