I hate to do this...

I hate posting more than one entry in the same day. But I also hate adding "Update!" to an already posted entry. However, I just had to bite the bullet on this one, since the news I have just can't wait.

All grades were posted, and I did indeed get a 4.0 this semester. Soooo that means...

Six classes.
All A's
A job
Training for a half marathon
Raising $3,970 (and counting) for charity

I did damn good. Sure, none of this is entirely new information, but seriously. I worked my ass off and I intend to pat myself on the back for it until my arm falls off.

Do you need some ice? Since your heart is swelling from all that pride...

Wet Christmas

Christmas was good. I got more TV boxed sets than I know what to do with (24, Rescue Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc) and will definitely be downgrading my Netflix plan for the next few months.

My Dad's side of the family came over on Christmas Eve. My grandpa is still at the rehab center for his legs and couldn't get out, which made things a lot different, but on Christmas Day my aunt checked out a day room at the nursing home so we had our festivities their. It was a good time, except for the fact that the people who work at nursing homes (especially those who work at nursing homes on Christmas Day) are decidedly malicious. I should explain, however, that my grandfather is not spending the rest of his life in a nursing home. He had surgery and broke his leg and has been in a hospital bed for like five weeks. He's at the nursing home for therapy so he can learn to walk and hula hoop and participate in roller derby's again. The nursing home, however, is chuck full of scary scary old people, and I don't enjoy it all that much. An 85 year old woman kissed me and told me she was single. She wasn't rich, either. Believe me. That thought crossed my mind. My aunt told me to find a rich old lady with one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.

Wait...that has nothing to do with CHRISTMAS!!! Back on topic, Steve. Back on topic. Oh, my mom wanted the whole family to wake up and go to church at 9am. My brother and my dad claimed they would go, but when it came to the 8am wake-up call, they conveniently slept through my mother's pleas. I, on the other hand, not only woke up and went to church, I put on a suit as well. Yes. A shirt, tie, and jacket. Me. Steve. A suit. And it wasn't a Homecoming Dance. That's a Christmas Miracle. I should have taken pictures...I think my mom wants me to put the suit back on so she can.


After the nursing home, we went to my other grandparents' for more food and fun. My Grandpa Balagna got cold and put on a Members Only jacket. That was a true Christmas miracle, also.

I'm not really motivated to do anything with anyone while I'm home. It's been a long semester and I'm perfectly content with sitting around on my ass. However, Millie and I have discussed a Detroit Fun Day, so we'll see if that happens. I'm here until Saturday.

# 1 - "Write a dialogue between a radio host and a troubled caller"

RON
Good evening, out there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers, and you’re tuned into “The Voice of Reason” on 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the top! Speaking of tops, my wife and I just got back from a very sensual...oh, looks like we have a caller! Caller, you’re on the air.

BRADLEY
Hello?

RON
Hello, caller, welcome to “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
Hi.

RON
What’s your name?

BRADLEY
Arthur.

RON
Well, Arthur, welcome to the show. Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?

BRADLEY
Actually, yes. My name’s not Arthur. It’s Bradley.

RON
Okay...Bradley. What seems to be on your mind?

BRADLEY
Well, I have this problem. I’m always telling the truth. I’m worried that my honesty is starting to affect my relationships.

RON
Oh?

BRADLEY
No. I lied again. I’m a compulsive liar. And I have no relationships.

RON
I see. And...how long have you been having these compulsions?

BRADLEY
Since yesterday. For ten years. All my life.

RON
Well, which one is it, Bradley?

BRADLEY
All my life. For ten years. Since yesterday.

RON
The first step in seeking help is honesty, Bradley. You have to be honest with me, and you have to be honest with yourself.

BRADLEY
If I could be honest I wouldn’t need to call into your stupid show.

RON
Well, there’s no need for hurtful words...

BRADLEY
Sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was compulsive lying again.

RON
This problem of yours...it keeps you distanced from people, doesn’t it?

BRADLEY
No. Not at all. I married Kate Bosworth and we bought a condo on the beach in Thailand. We have three dogs. Galilee, Francisco, and Rue McClanahan. That’s a lie. I married Rue McClanahan. We live in Bali and have four kittens that are all named Crapshoot. That’s a lie too. I married a kitten and live inside Kate Bosworth. Help me, doctor! I can’t stop!

RON
Slow down there, Bradley. Just slow down for a second. You live in Thailand? Are you there right now?

BRADLEY
Yes. It’s raining with winds coming from the south-west at six miles per hour. No, I’m from Garrison County.

RON
I thought you said you were from Thailand?

BRADLEY
I said I’m a compulsive liar, remember?

RON
Oh, you did? That’s so funny because I have selective hearing! Haha!

BRADLEY
I had sex with your wife fifteen minutes ago and then I strangled her with your Egyptian Cotton sheets.

RON
Oh, we don’t have Egyptian Cotton sheets, Arthur. You must have me confused with another late-night radio doctor.

BRADLEY
So are you going to help me?

RON
Help you what?

BRADLEY
With my compulsive lying?

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have a short attention span! Haha!

BRADLEY
I make macrame birds and then eat them. You have short term memory? I thought you said you had selective hearing. My father is a Navy Seal and plays Major League Baseball and won an Antoinette Perry award for his performance in A Streetcar Named Desire.

RON
Hello, caller. This is “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
What?

RON
Hi Arthur, what’s your name?

BRADLEY
It’s Bradley!

RON
And what seems to be on your mind, Sylvester?

BRADLEY
We already talked about this. I’m a compulsive liar.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have severe dementia! Haha!

BRADLEY
I rub peanut butter on my butt and then sit in bird seed.

RON
You’re listening to 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the
top. Speaking of tops...

BRADLEY
I steal from stores and blame minorities.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have epilepsy!

BRADLEY
I killed the dinosaurs.

RON
It’s raining in Thailand?

BRADLEY
My testicles are the size of Bartlett pears and I have never left a woman unsatisfied.

RON
Good evening out, there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers..

OMG GUYS!

OmG! Cars is really good but I still like The Incredibles better!

OmG! Time to start working on my Earl spec!

OmG! Went to make some minor revisions on Off The Clock and deleted half of it!

OmG! It's raining but Christmas is coming soon! Santa better have a poncho and galoshes!

OmG! Thought there was a spider on my neck it was just the tag of my shirt!

OmG! Got a new camera! Need to take some new pictures!

OmG! There's a Fan Club of me on Facebook and I have nothing to do with it! Don't even know the guy who started it!

OmG! The liggghhhhts!

OmG! I need to fold some laundry!

OmG! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!?!? OMG!!!

OmG! Seeing The Santa Clause 3 tomorrow! Sooooooo excited but not really!

OmG! What am I going to do about housing in LA? At least I have my aunt and uncle if all else fails, right???

OmG! An indoor water park in Battle Creek!? Must go! Hope it's as cool as CEREAL CITY!!!

OmG! Seriously...I have nothing to do with that facebook group....

OMg! I made the G little instead of the M!

OmG! Borders is SPOILING ME with those email coupons!

OmG! OmG! OmG!!!!

i got my kicks in two-thousand and six

Since the Holidays pretty much warrant their own separate recap, and I will not be participating in anything all that interesting until New Year's Day, now is as good of time as any for 2006: A Year In Review.

To spice things up, I will incorporate elements of one of my favorite theatre games, "Two Truths and a Lie." For every month of the ending year, I will give three things that happened. But here's the twist...only two of them actually happened! Hence the name of the game.

Let's get to it. We've got twelve whole months to get through!

2006. A Semi-Truthful Account

January-
Maggie and I saw a homeless man dump out an entire bag of Cheetos for no reason.
After getting paid for Spring Orientation, I was finally not poor for the first time since September.
I was offered to sing backup for Outkast, but had to decline in order to devote my time to helping underprivileged kids learn cursive.


February-
FLYMF.com paid me roughly eight dollars to publish a story I had written about Red Robin in their February issue.
After eating an especially hot tamale, my tongue was burnt so bad that it had to be removed. It was replaced with the tongue of the late Don Knotts.
Got a hickey from Jess Dangles while making out in Libby's leather chair with Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" on repeat in the background.


March-
The group had a bet on who could go the longest without masturbating. I didn't participate on the grounds that it was pretty damn stupid.
After a few too many St. Patty's Day pints, I learned the hard way that all Leprechauns are men.
Didn't go to Mississippi for Spring Break. To this day, I still get asked why.

April-
I overdosed on foot cream.
Alicia and Jared came to town. We saw John Waters.
As the school year started to wind down, we all wondered where the hell the time went.

May-
Moved to Lincoln Park with Jeff and Matt
Got a job at My Pie.
Discovered the cure for the common cold. It's cancer.

June-
Went to the beach almost every day.
Discovered a manuscript that revealed the true identity of Jack the Ripper, but accidentally spilled chocolate pudding on the one page that would have solved one of history's greatest secrets.
Enjoyed my own personal late-night entertainment by listening to people fight and argue outside my window on Lill every day.

July-
Watched Final Destination 3 with Cam, Jacob, and Millie. The best part of Orientation. The best part of the summer. Possibly the best part of 2006.
Facebook groups became global.
Directed a successful Off-Broadway adaptation of "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret."

August-
Got Einsteinium taken off the periodic table of elements.
Lollapalooza was a lot of fun, even though I had my doubts.
Decided to run the half marathon at Disney World.

September-
Got a job at Student Affairs working with Baggy and Holly.
Started my final year at Columbia
Ate a walnut. Shell and all.

October-
Much to the chagrin of the shows most hardcore fans, I won Project Runway.
Halloween and the "I didn't know you were coming tonight!" debacle.
Formed a rap group called "Melk N' Cookiez" while sitting in traffic on 94.

November-
Decided to leave Chicago in February instead of June. (Although I still intend to be back for the summer.)
Got hit by a golf ball while running.
Started selling anthrax to terrorists on the black market.

December-
Raised $3,900 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
Finished the semester in one piece.
Raised $3,900 to buy Justin Timberlake for a night.

finishing out '06 in the 6

I'm at home for the next few weeks, as everyone probably knows. Today I slept until 1, which isn't too bad. Please consider that I am used to Central time, so technically my body slept until noon. Also, I haven't had a decent sleep-in day for over a week. Plus, I did damn well this semester (A's in TV Program Development, Urban Geography, and Culture, Race and Media. The other two classes haven't been posted yet) and if I want to sleep in until Groundhogs Day, I deserve to.

The water pressure here is unbelievably horrendous. The shower head is tilted and basically sprays water onto the side of the shower. Spray is too strong of a word, though. It's barely a trickle. My nose runs with more force. Everybody seems to be used to this, since my complaints go unregistered. I could get a better rinse by standing outside in the rain. In Arizona. In July.

Karma catches up to me when I come home. I spend so much time at school complaining about all sorts of different things (well I guess it's usually about the same person, and we all know who that is), that the cosmos wait until I'm home to get back at me by unleashing the worst punishment known to man. I have to listen to my dad complain about everything to me. Mom spends too much money. Dan wants groceries. The credit card company charged him an extra 30 cents. The dryer will start fires if you don't change the lint trap. Every 10 minutes or so I am barraged with another topic, usually something that has nothing to do with me.

Speaking of Karma, I'm going to start writing my next spec. I've decided on My Name Is Earl. 30 Rock is barely into its first season, and The Office has been done to death. Don't get me wrong, I love The Office, but everyone and their brother uses it for a spec. What I need now is Earl on DVD. I'd buy it myself but first I'll see how Christmas goes. I think I put it on a list or two.

Leper High, while still near and dear to my heart, is on the back burner. See, here's the difference between an aspiring screenwriter and an aspiring TV writer. Screenwriters always write new material. Once they finish a script, they shop it around and hope someone takes interest in it. Essentially, this is about as easy as throwing a bee at a puppy.

A TV writer, on the other hand, writes scripts of shows that are already on television. Which means my wonderful ideas about families in the carnival, coke-nosers at Disney World, and lepers in high school have to wait in the wings while I write specs, which are what I need to have as a body of work.

I bought a new book called "The Writers Block" which has like 700 different words, ideas, and pictures which are meant to trigger your imagination when writing. My next blog will probably be inspired from whatever page I turn to in that book.

freedom-induced anxiety

I'm having a hard time coping with the loss of responsibility. Aside from running, I have no other obligations. I don't know how to function like this. I'm used to always having a script to work on or chapters to read or a pitch to prepare. Now I don't. But instead of embracing this new found freedom and relaxing, it just gives me more anxiety. I feel useless sitting around watching TV and reading for pleasure. So, while I try my hardest to let go of all of that stress, I have also made a list of things I want to do over break. Remember, my break lasts until the end of February, so I've got a lot of time here.

- Revise "Off The Clock" and my carnival pilot, for which I still haven't come up with a fitting name.
- Write another spec script. Top contenders include 30 Rock, The Office, My Name Is Earl, or How I Met Your Mother.
- Finish Catch 22.
- Finish training and run the half marathon (Tomorrow is 12 miles, but it's my last big training day before the run. Sigh. Of. Relief.)
- Sign up for an Improv class in LA.
- Snowboard. Snowboard. Snowboard.
- Write the chapter on Disney. It's a three parter, but I've already started, so something should be up soon.

I'm leaving work early now. By brother and his girlfriend are coming to Chicago for the weekend and this provides a wonderful excuse for me to peace out before five.

How odd...

- Five page Interview Research paper for Culture, Race and Media? DONE!
- Eighteen page show bible and five minute series pitch to TV Production & Development class? DONE! (Knocked that pitch out of the park, by the way. Let's just say it may have involved pretending to be different characters and the theme to Dawson's Creek)
- Oral presentation on the informal economy of Shanghai? DONE! (Didn't so much knock this one out of the park, it was more of a half-ass bunt)
- Raise $3,900 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society? MOTHERFUCKIN' DONE!!! (Ok, still 76 bucks short but my Mom is going to finish that off today. Parents are great. So glad I decided to have them)

All I have to do now is make the cash into a money order and send in the rest of my donations, and revise my pilot script for Writing The Sitcom and that's it. No more responsibility. No more anything. Well..minus the run.

AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Doors Open on the Left at Graduation.

First, some advice to anyone who works the front desk of any office or other professional establishment. When eating your breakfast, lunch, second lunch if you're Jess Dangles, or even just a snack, always be sure to take small bites. This ensures that you are always one quick swallow away from oral communication (anyone who saw the terms "quick swallow" and "oral" and laughed, shame on you), as well as saving you from an embarrassing situation when the Dean of Students walks in and your mouth is full of Granola Bar.
I think my biggest issue in life is I'm smack in the middle of the home stretch to the real world. College is almost over for me, and it couldn't come any sooner. When I first started at WMU, and also when I came to Columbia, it was unfathomable that I would ever grow tired of going to college. But then one day I woke up and thought to myself "Holy shit what am I still doing here?!" To make matters worse, I'm essentially not done with school until the end of next summer at the latest, but that's only because my college career, much like my life in general, is a tad bit more complicated than it needs to be. When it comes to higher education, I'm taking the scenic route. Oh, and there's a detour. Not to mention a few road blocks. And the lines on the road are starting to fade so it's hard to drive at night. Okay, the last one wasn't really going with the road metaphor. I got a little sidetracked. Oh wow, now I'm on to trains. I should throw in something about airplanes and then things will really start to take off!

Shut up, Steve.

But yeah...I need to be done. Next semester doesn't count as actual school, since it's more or less me doing exactly what I want to do for a living. But then I still have those last three classes to take at Columbia, which is really going to piss on my parade. I want to have a job. I want to write and perform and have my job be my life. Even if I'm not an instant success and I'm working in a mail room, at least my job doesn't come home with me. And there's no schoolwork to be done at night either. If I'm delivering post all day, that's it. No oral presentation (oral? again?!) on the informal economy of Shanghai to prepare. Just me and my TiVo. Because yes, I will have TiVo.

College wasn't a waste or anything though. I mean sure, I only took about four or five classes that were in some way relevant to what I want to be my career. At least college prolonged the inevitable dive into adulthood. And hey, I met some cool people along the way as well. Not to mention these fun facts:

- Loki is the doer of good and the doer of evil. (Myth & Folk Literature)
- "Princess" is a European term. Hence, there is no such thing as an Indian Princess. (Literature & Culture of The US - Native American Studies)
- Parliament cigarettes have a recessed filter which is less likely to turn your teeth yellow. (Garneau Hall, Fall 2002)
- You can pot out of ANYTHING (Alicia)
- To create the dizzying perspective in Vertigo, Alfred Hitchcock zoomed the camera lens in while dollying the camera back. (Film Interpretation)
- A producer is the crossroads between Art and Commerce (The Television Producer)
- Transsexuals get hard nipples when cold (The Jerry Springer Show)
- McCarthyism sucked. (American History)
- When writing comedy, always trust the "Rule of 3" (Writing The Sitcom)
- Two tiny wings, eyes big and yellow, horns of a steer, but a lovable fellow! From head to toe, he's royal purple pigment, and there...Voila! You've got a Figment! (Walt Disney World)
- Take risks and stick with your choices (Improv Techniques)
- Tanning kills (Final Destination 3)
- "Steve, for being such a jackass, you really are a nice guy." (Lydia Cadena)

Run Run Rudolph

I ran from my apartment to the 600 S. Michigan building today. I left my flashdrive in the computer lab and figured this was a good way to go to school and see if it was still there, as well as get a ten mile run in. The flashdrive is gone, but luckily I was too hopped up on endorphins to care all that much.

When I came back inside, my face was numb. I was worried I had frostbite or something. Also, for some reason, every time I'd breathe through my nose, it would smell like smelling salts, which was odd. However, since I smell like ass and peanuts right now, I'd gladly take the smelling salt odor over body stink. Sidebar on smelling salt: If you're ever bored at work and your curiosity entices you to take a look at what is inside the enormous and extensive first aid kit, don't smell the smelling salt just to see if it's really that strong. Believe me. It is.

There is a certain art to forming a playlist for long distance running. Just because you like a song doesn't mean that you'll want to listen to it when your legs are ready to give out on you and there are tears frozen to your face with a half hour left to go. For instance, Broken Social Scene is by far the worst thing you could ever put on a playlist when running. All-American Rejects, however, is peppy and energetic and easy to listen to and go along with. In fact, the second to last song on every playlist I make is "Move Along." I hated this song before, but for some reason it keeps me going. The official song that I end every run with is "We Just Won't" by The Go! Team. In fact, The Go! Team is very good music to run to.

The dilemma of a workout playlist is even worse when running on a treadmill. In these cases, there is nothing to look at besides the sweaty and hairy man in a Kokomo tanktop in front of you on the elliptical machine. God help you if you don't have a video iPod. I recommend 311, Ashlee Simpson, Beck, Cobra Starship, The Killers, The Offspring, Less Than Jake, and OK Go for working out. Anything infectious that you can sing along to. Bad artists to work out to are Broken Social Scene, 30 Seconds To Mars, The Beatles, Pedro The Lion and Silverchair, despite being some of my favorite bands, are absolutely terrible when you're tired and sweaty and still have more to do.

...oh. And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

How do you follow up a backwards story?

What if I reached my creative peak with that? What if I can never again write a blog as engaging, clever, funny, and creative as the backwards one? Will every attempt be futile? Will my life begin to revolve around nothing more than trying to top my last blogging accomplishment? Will I one day be a recluse who spends every minute of every day feverishly typing away, hoping to one day come up with something that will recapture the glory of the Make-A-Splash Edition?

Yeah. Probably. I'm going to need a bed pan for Christmas. Should I put it on my list for family or for Santa?

Dani, as well as the rest of you complainers, will be happy to know that you can now comment without word verification. That makes it easier for you. However, the new drawback is that your comment will not be posted until I review and accept it. But your poor little eyeballs no longer have to squint at those distorted letters, and your poor little fingies no longer have to hunt and peck for a bunch of random keys. Your welcome. Merry Christmas. Now get me my bed pan.

I'm not as overwhelmed as most people seem to be with the end of the semster. Don't get me wrong, I have a shit ton of stuff to get done, but I've been carrying a shit load of responsibility on my shoulders since early September, so finals week is just an extension of that.


-Finish my pilot for "Walks on the Run," about a family hiding out from the law, pretending to be carnies.

-Presentation on the informal economy of Shanghai for Urban Geography. Doesn't that just make your mouth water?

-Self-assessment paper for Improv (By far one of my favorite classes at Columbia. I look forward to it every day and sometimes I go as far as wishing I had gone into acting instead of writing.)

-Bible for Leper High (TV term, not an actual Bible. Jesus would not want to be affiliated with my animated comedy)


-Culture, Race and Media final. Haven't even started. Don't even care.

Oh, and fundraising. Anyone who hasn't donated needs to seriously get me some money because I have one week left and a lot more to go.

On another note, I solved the mystery of why our heat continues to go down to 65 degrees at night, effectively leaving me numb and with a borderline severe case of hypothermia. Turns out that our thermostat is for some reason programmed to go to 65 degrees throughout the day. I thought it was Matt turning it down just to make Jeff and me suffer, but no. It was actually the girls who lived here before us who had programmed the thermostat (and were apparantly breeding penguins in the apartment). Just call me Encyclopedia Brown.

This Just In

It has come to my attention that people our age do not pay enough attention to the news. There is a whole world around us, people! Don't you want to know what's going on in it? In the hustle and bustle of or crazy lives, sometimes we may not have the opportunity to sit down and read the paper or watch the news. And so, I have taken it upon myself to make a short list of the most important and pressing events that have occurred recently.

Kramer is racist.

Danny DeVito got drunk one night.

Britney Spears didn't wear panties when she went out.

Okay, I hope that you are all more well versed in today's current events. Now that you have more knowledge of what is going on in the world around you, you will no longer feel embarrassed or ashamed at dinner parties. You are very, very welcome.

I can't believe I didn't already tell this story

A few days ago I went to the Roosevelt Gym. It's not as gross as everyone says it is, it's actually pretty decent. Anyway, I go into the locker room and there is this guy wearing tight grey shorts that I thought were underwear, and a shirt that literally leaves all of his stomach exposed. A midriff, I guess. I didn't think too much about it, just that it was weird, but that people actually do wear shirts like that to lift weights...in 1987.

What was weird is when he started brushing his teeth with an electric toothbrush. Because he brushed them for like 5 minutes...and then...and then he laid down on the floor. On his back, with his knees sticking up. And he was still brushing his teeth. For another five minutes. On his back.

Is this some sort of dental trick that I am unaware of? Because I'll have you know, when it comes to teeth cleaning, I know all the tricks of the trade. (I already told you my dentist LOVES me)