Doors Open on the Left at Graduation.

First, some advice to anyone who works the front desk of any office or other professional establishment. When eating your breakfast, lunch, second lunch if you're Jess Dangles, or even just a snack, always be sure to take small bites. This ensures that you are always one quick swallow away from oral communication (anyone who saw the terms "quick swallow" and "oral" and laughed, shame on you), as well as saving you from an embarrassing situation when the Dean of Students walks in and your mouth is full of Granola Bar.
I think my biggest issue in life is I'm smack in the middle of the home stretch to the real world. College is almost over for me, and it couldn't come any sooner. When I first started at WMU, and also when I came to Columbia, it was unfathomable that I would ever grow tired of going to college. But then one day I woke up and thought to myself "Holy shit what am I still doing here?!" To make matters worse, I'm essentially not done with school until the end of next summer at the latest, but that's only because my college career, much like my life in general, is a tad bit more complicated than it needs to be. When it comes to higher education, I'm taking the scenic route. Oh, and there's a detour. Not to mention a few road blocks. And the lines on the road are starting to fade so it's hard to drive at night. Okay, the last one wasn't really going with the road metaphor. I got a little sidetracked. Oh wow, now I'm on to trains. I should throw in something about airplanes and then things will really start to take off!

Shut up, Steve.

But yeah...I need to be done. Next semester doesn't count as actual school, since it's more or less me doing exactly what I want to do for a living. But then I still have those last three classes to take at Columbia, which is really going to piss on my parade. I want to have a job. I want to write and perform and have my job be my life. Even if I'm not an instant success and I'm working in a mail room, at least my job doesn't come home with me. And there's no schoolwork to be done at night either. If I'm delivering post all day, that's it. No oral presentation (oral? again?!) on the informal economy of Shanghai to prepare. Just me and my TiVo. Because yes, I will have TiVo.

College wasn't a waste or anything though. I mean sure, I only took about four or five classes that were in some way relevant to what I want to be my career. At least college prolonged the inevitable dive into adulthood. And hey, I met some cool people along the way as well. Not to mention these fun facts:

- Loki is the doer of good and the doer of evil. (Myth & Folk Literature)
- "Princess" is a European term. Hence, there is no such thing as an Indian Princess. (Literature & Culture of The US - Native American Studies)
- Parliament cigarettes have a recessed filter which is less likely to turn your teeth yellow. (Garneau Hall, Fall 2002)
- You can pot out of ANYTHING (Alicia)
- To create the dizzying perspective in Vertigo, Alfred Hitchcock zoomed the camera lens in while dollying the camera back. (Film Interpretation)
- A producer is the crossroads between Art and Commerce (The Television Producer)
- Transsexuals get hard nipples when cold (The Jerry Springer Show)
- McCarthyism sucked. (American History)
- When writing comedy, always trust the "Rule of 3" (Writing The Sitcom)
- Two tiny wings, eyes big and yellow, horns of a steer, but a lovable fellow! From head to toe, he's royal purple pigment, and there...Voila! You've got a Figment! (Walt Disney World)
- Take risks and stick with your choices (Improv Techniques)
- Tanning kills (Final Destination 3)
- "Steve, for being such a jackass, you really are a nice guy." (Lydia Cadena)