# 1 - "Write a dialogue between a radio host and a troubled caller"

RON
Good evening, out there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers, and you’re tuned into “The Voice of Reason” on 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the top! Speaking of tops, my wife and I just got back from a very sensual...oh, looks like we have a caller! Caller, you’re on the air.

BRADLEY
Hello?

RON
Hello, caller, welcome to “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
Hi.

RON
What’s your name?

BRADLEY
Arthur.

RON
Well, Arthur, welcome to the show. Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?

BRADLEY
Actually, yes. My name’s not Arthur. It’s Bradley.

RON
Okay...Bradley. What seems to be on your mind?

BRADLEY
Well, I have this problem. I’m always telling the truth. I’m worried that my honesty is starting to affect my relationships.

RON
Oh?

BRADLEY
No. I lied again. I’m a compulsive liar. And I have no relationships.

RON
I see. And...how long have you been having these compulsions?

BRADLEY
Since yesterday. For ten years. All my life.

RON
Well, which one is it, Bradley?

BRADLEY
All my life. For ten years. Since yesterday.

RON
The first step in seeking help is honesty, Bradley. You have to be honest with me, and you have to be honest with yourself.

BRADLEY
If I could be honest I wouldn’t need to call into your stupid show.

RON
Well, there’s no need for hurtful words...

BRADLEY
Sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was compulsive lying again.

RON
This problem of yours...it keeps you distanced from people, doesn’t it?

BRADLEY
No. Not at all. I married Kate Bosworth and we bought a condo on the beach in Thailand. We have three dogs. Galilee, Francisco, and Rue McClanahan. That’s a lie. I married Rue McClanahan. We live in Bali and have four kittens that are all named Crapshoot. That’s a lie too. I married a kitten and live inside Kate Bosworth. Help me, doctor! I can’t stop!

RON
Slow down there, Bradley. Just slow down for a second. You live in Thailand? Are you there right now?

BRADLEY
Yes. It’s raining with winds coming from the south-west at six miles per hour. No, I’m from Garrison County.

RON
I thought you said you were from Thailand?

BRADLEY
I said I’m a compulsive liar, remember?

RON
Oh, you did? That’s so funny because I have selective hearing! Haha!

BRADLEY
I had sex with your wife fifteen minutes ago and then I strangled her with your Egyptian Cotton sheets.

RON
Oh, we don’t have Egyptian Cotton sheets, Arthur. You must have me confused with another late-night radio doctor.

BRADLEY
So are you going to help me?

RON
Help you what?

BRADLEY
With my compulsive lying?

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have a short attention span! Haha!

BRADLEY
I make macrame birds and then eat them. You have short term memory? I thought you said you had selective hearing. My father is a Navy Seal and plays Major League Baseball and won an Antoinette Perry award for his performance in A Streetcar Named Desire.

RON
Hello, caller. This is “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
What?

RON
Hi Arthur, what’s your name?

BRADLEY
It’s Bradley!

RON
And what seems to be on your mind, Sylvester?

BRADLEY
We already talked about this. I’m a compulsive liar.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have severe dementia! Haha!

BRADLEY
I rub peanut butter on my butt and then sit in bird seed.

RON
You’re listening to 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the
top. Speaking of tops...

BRADLEY
I steal from stores and blame minorities.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have epilepsy!

BRADLEY
I killed the dinosaurs.

RON
It’s raining in Thailand?

BRADLEY
My testicles are the size of Bartlett pears and I have never left a woman unsatisfied.

RON
Good evening out, there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers..