All oiled up

What's new?

Sox won the series. I'm over it and so is Chicago. It was fun though. Downtown was nuts. They had to put up fences around our building to make sure there were no riots and no one rushed into the streets. As soon as the game was over everbody ran out of the building and crowded the sidewalks. Then we took it to the streets. People everywhere were screaming and all the cars were honking. It was pretty cool just to be there. Then we went to the stadium where there was even more pandemonium. Then on the train back these two big topless black girls walked through our car twice screaming "Go Sox"

The worst part? Everyone was extremely shocked and disgusted by these two girls...

And I found it normal. I'm used to it. That makes me feel dirty.

Last night was night 1 of Halloween weekend. It was pretty fun. The parties were way too crowded though but it was a good time. I took Sarah out with us because she had never been to a big party before. If she never goes out for the rest of her life I guess I'm to blame.

Anyway, this was me.



I was a mechanic. Just wanted to wear coveralls really... And get dirty. I went a little overboard with the black paint. I decided to put it in my hair. Did you know facepaint shouldn't go in hair? Moreover, did you know black face paint shouldn't go in blonde hair? Yeah. Oops. The flower shoor is black. I meant to say shower floor. I actually typed that wrong. I thought it was funny so I left it.

I freaking love Halloween.

Damn Bones Damn Bones

Just wanted to say THANK YOU MATT for the wireless internet. It is much appreciated! It makes me happier than...well..happier than orange Kool-Aid makes me!





And THAT'S happy!!!

A good drinking game would be take a shot every time they advertise "Bones" during the Sox game. Seriously.

"That was a great hit, wasn't it. Just want to take a minute to remind everyone to tune in next Tuesday for an all new episode of Fox's new hit show "Bones." Let's BONES take a look at the replay WATCH BONES WATCH BONES WATCH BONES. Joe Crede is having quite a night, and will be WATCHING BONES NEXT TUESDAY AT 8. We'll be back after this."

Then it's a commercial for Bones. Then a commercial for Geico. Then Harry Potter. Then Bones. Then another one for Bones.

Sick of me saying "Bones?" OK I'll stop.


...just make sure to watch BONES next TUESDAY!! David Boreanez stars...in BONES!


Not to be racist or anything but...and I know you agree with me on this one. You know when you sign up for something online and have to select your country? And it's the scroll list and the countries are all in alphabetical order? Don't you wish that Unites States was always on top? Here I am scrolling down past Botswana and Kazakhstan to find the leader of the western world nuzzled up between United Kingdon and Uruguay. I'm not being a supremicist or anything, I'm just saying. Compare how many people sign up for myspace in the USA compared to the Syrian Arab Republic.

I'm just saying.




...and be sure to watch Bones on Tuesday

it's not oprah. i get it

Another sober Saturday...two weeks in a row now. I guess my Thursday and Friday nights make up for that though. Spent the day with my family that is in town. Had dinner, played with Shilo, watched the Sox win (OK fine I DO care but only kind of). Came back and didn't bother to go out. Too lazy.

It's been a while since I updated, what did I talk about last I don't even remember. Hmmm..

Springer has been going well. Mondays I work the show and that's always interesting. I come home feeling wrong, though. Like...last week, as I was getting the transexual a straw for her energy drink and she was telling me her nipples were hard, it hit me. What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this really an experience that I need? Escorting a pimp and a prostitute outside so that they can chainsmoke like bandits....is that in some way relevant to a career in writing and producing? I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Other days I just work in audience. Which really means sit and answer the phone and say "Thanks for calling The Jerry Springer Show what city are you calling from?" Over and over until my throat is raw. People that call for tickets are sometimes even worse that people who call to be on the show. And trust me, the people who call to be on the show are pretty ridiculous.

"Hi Jerry this is Shelia May....I'm callin' cause I wanna be on the show. I have a 380 dollar phone bill Jerry. And I need to be on the show so you can help me with my phone bill. It's 380 dollars."

Yeah...ok lady, how about we stop calling talk shows to tell them our financial troubles? That might save you a little on the phone bill. Or try Vonage. People do stupid things. Woo hoo woo hoo hoo!

So I know what you are wondering. Is it fake or is it not fake? Well, much like when I signed away every basic right that I had in Florida to ensure the preservation of Disney magic, I was required to do the same thing for Springer. All I can say is this. These people come to us. We do not make it up.

Our studio is right by where Jenny Jones used to tape. Too bad she's gone. God knows I'd love to meet Mrs. Jones. I heard that interns for her show weren't even allowed bathroom breaks. I bet that was at Jenny's request. Chicken, Rachel, and I used to intentionally stay up until 2am to watch Jenny Jones freshman year. It was BET Uncut from 1-2 and then Jenny. BET Uncut is an excellent program. If you are into quality music such as "I ain't got no panties on" and high art music videos, especially those featuring slapping girls asses with buttered spatulas, then I highly recommend BET Uncut.

Eric turned 21 yesterday. He got a keg and we had a party at Jason's. It was a lot of fun. Jason's is always a good time. Eric brought the empty keg back here. He's going to keep it on the window ledge. I think we should decorate it for Christmas. Even put presents around it.

Are you COMPLETELY unattainable?


Then yeah, I'll probably start to like you.

Things that have been said that I laugh at

Steve: Cheez-Its that fight and run away will live to fight another day.
Matt: That's a fishful of lies!
Steve: I think the phrase is "boat"
Matt: Fish are close to boats



Maggie: Eat your chili, JonBenet



Zach: That's not a dorkins its a shmuh!! No! It's a raft!



gankSTErsteVE: sorry i didnt get hold with yo this par y wat SHIT and i ha no service ther. i shoud call the andlord
gankSTErsteVE: im missing letters
gankSTErsteVE: u t d e l l
gankSTErsteVE: those are the letters i missed
Prple32: they're shitty letters anyways
Prple32: you weren't missing much
gankSTErsteVE: oh i know i talked to the letter people about it

Righteous Brother

Home for the weekend. Pretty uneventful, which I'm not at all used to anymore. But it was nice. Slept until 1. Took a nap. Layed around.

Saw "The Fog" with my brother and Julie. It was....boring. Most scary movies don't have enough plot and try too hard to scare you. This one tried too hard to make a plot. Wayyy too hard. It felt like it was an hour too long, and it was only an hour and a half. Maggie Grace and her hotness wasn't even enough to save it. It definitely helped though. Ohhh...Maggie. Shannon from Lost. Awwww...Lost. Do you watch Lost? Oh man you should be.

And Arrested Development. And 24. These are why I went into Television instead of Film.

Speaking of TV, my TV Producer class picked my show idea to develop for the rest of the semester. Everyone was supposed to come in and pitch an idea and then we voted for our top 4 favorites. The 4 shows with the most votes were the ones that the class would work on for the semester. 10 of the 12 people in the class had mine in their top 4. Made me feel good about myself. I don't often succeed at things, and aside from being funny, don't have much talent. It's cool when something I do is considered good. And no I'm not trying to fish for compliments. I'm just saying.

My show is called "Off The Clock." It's about a bunch of people that work at a popular family amusement park. All day they are smiling and happy and working with kids. At night they go wild. Sex, drugs, rock & roll, drama. Can ya guess where I got that idea from?

Had to pick up my brother from a wedding tonight. He was wasted. Still is. He and his friends are being really obnoxious. How can people be so obnoxious when they drink? I know I would never act like...umm...nevermind. Guess I would. How many classy awards have I won so far?

Haha. Classy awards. In our little group, whoever does the most ridiculous things when they are drunk recieve the Classy award for the week. The first time I won was because I was still drunk at noon without ever going to bed. The second time was for not only swallowing Ashley's gum, but for drinking a 40 in plain sight on the train. Ohhh college.

Home is nice because it's relaxing and stuff, but it's also annoying cause you're constantly wondering what's going on back at school. You don't want to go home and miss the most talked about night of the year. Then again, most of the times that I go home, I end up in Kalamazoo. And those times are always 10 times crazier than anything you've seen me do in Chicago. Last time I was at Alicia's there was fireworks, running through a graveyard from police, and oh so much more. Awww Kalamazoo. You guys are great.

Chicago. You guys are great too.

I'm really lucky know all the awesome people I know. Whether we're singing messed up christmas carols, laying on the futon all day watching horrible movies, going to the beach with plastic beer bottles, going to taco bell at 3am, reflecting by the water, playing power hour, shopping at jewel, drinking the beast out of a watermelon cup, rapping about billygoats, drinking a 40 out of a garfield cup, watching lost, having a birthday celebration, making a ghost costume out of plastic mattress covers, spending quality time with bethesda, eating dinner with disney characters and dodger, spending quality time with nigs, spending quality time with sgt. pepper, spending quality time with oliver, writing nice things on paper, driving around with a sprite can and a can of tuna, playing "get drunk in 15 minutes," playing beer pong, playing beirut, having cake fights, watching 24, looking for a missing hamster when drunk, balancing on our ladders, playing the alphabet game, riding carousel of progress because space mountain is too long of a wait, playing in the rain on the terrace, and everything else.

I hope college never ends.

it's important to know where you stand.

it might feel like a kick in the chest....but at least you know

hellular phone

Just discovered I don't have free nights. Just free weekends. Don't bother calling my cell phone until next June.

Class Act

I woke up this morning with a giant Elizabethtown subway sign in my room. How'd it get there? Could it have something to do with the game I invented, Garfield 40 Drinking Frenzy? Yeah, that's probably part of it.

Had to get up early for my internship after a LOOONNNNNGG night. Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard. And all I did was sit all day on the phone so it wasn't too bad. Just mind numbingly boring.

Pegosaurus Rex came out of Beer Pong retirement for one game last night, where he handed the amateurs their asses on a silver platter with a side of baby carrots.

I drunk dialed Kara O'Connell. That's something new.

Today I was going through and booking tickets for people that e mailed the show. I got to the 3rd one and it was a girl I went to Lollapalooza with. Small world.

Hawt Dawg

Seriously. What the hell. It's October 4th. It's Fall. I said...OCTOBER. Why...is...it...so....HOT?!?!? Don't get me wrong, I like summer weather just as much as the next person, and I'm certainly glad it's not snowing and there is no freezing wind tearing the skin off my face. But come on. 85 degrees in October? I want Fall weather already. Mother Nature has been a merciless bitch this year.

I think I wouldn't care so much about it being this hot still, but after spending the summer in a giant stone house with no air conditioning, that acted as an oven every day, I'm really looking forward to some cooler weather.

85 DEGREES! OCTOBER!

Don't you get it! This is a sign. First last year's hurricanes in Florida now Katrina and Rita...and an October heat wave in Chicago. The end is coming. We screwed up our planet. Greenpeace is laughing at us now. We're screwed. Things are gonna get worse and worse now. Didn't you see "The Day After Tomorrow?" No probably not. Well didn't you see the commercial at least? That shit is true. And now its happening. Why aren't the news people commenting on this? There's probably a conspiracy too. There's always a conspiracy.

I suggest you find out when your next HBO free preview weekend is so that you can watch "The Day After Tomorrow" as well. And study it. Survival skills. Very important.

The movie wasn't really that bad I guess. It was fun watching Tokyo and LA and NY get destroyed. But then it got boring. Crap about love and friendship and survival in the face of tragedy. Snooze. The dead girl from Mystic River was in it. And Jake Jellojiggler or Jellenhobble or whatever. You know the one. The one that looks exactly like Tobey Maguire. Speaking of conspiracies, does anyone else think that maybe he IS a clone? Tobey Maguire was really successful for about 9 seconds when Spider-Man came out. His people wanted to bank on that shit, so they made another Tobey. Slightly scruffier, a little edgier. Together Tobey and Jake could pull in millions. But then Jake learned what it was like to be human. Love and understanding and affection. And they lost him. And Kirsten Dunst bought him because he looked good with most of her clothes and her friends were starting to think she was kind of gay.

Anyway, moral of the story, the earth is ending and unless you see the movie with Tobey Maguire's scruffy clone then you have no chance of survival.

Oh baby oh baby oh

Funny, I only think of writing in this when I have like 20 other things to do that are more important. Clean...homework...read...but here I am. It's important this time too. This is something that needs to be said, and it needs to be said now.





I fucking HATE talking babies. More than anything in the world. Take everything else I hate (which believe me, is a lot of things) and combine them, and that's only half as much as I hate talking babies. It's not funny. It's not cute. It sure as HELL isn't original. So why do people keep making these commercials and movies and other things with talking babies? Especially Quizno's. I hate that one the most.





Remember that thing? Remember those commercials? Why did they get rid of them for a TALKING BABY? At least mice with zombie teeth and messed up eyes and silly hates was ORIGINAL. Does anyone see the Quizno's baby and think. "Haha! A talking infant! Clever! I'm going to eat Quizno's subs!" I doubt it.

Talking babies. God I hate it.



No wonder they're doing things like Battlefield: Earth and Pier 1 commercials now.


Two talking babies. Makes me want to put my wrists on the stove and leave them.


Talking animals is almost as bad. Funny, you'd think at this point Kirstie and John would prefer NOT to appear on the poster...


A new breed of evil. I just threw up a little.



And you wonder why the terrorists hate America.



Speaking of terrorists....can we hope that there will be a Baby Geniuses 3, in which the babies thwart the attempts of international terrorism? Cross your fingers...