Fatty McButterpants!

Today was one of those days.

We finally have a PA and a Production Intern again, so I'm doing a lot less work than I was on past shows. Actually, my responsibilities now include...absolutely nothing. Looking busy until someone tells me to do something.

There was a guy on the show today. His name was Joe. I hate him. I hate him because he's fat. I'm not lying. I do. I really do. And I'm not lying. It's because he's large. First, Joe refused to try on pants because he could "tell just by looking at them" that they would be too small. Then he refused to try on any shirt because "his neck wouldn't fit." Sure enough, the first shirt I brought him that he refused to try on fit perfectly. But that's not why I hate his fatness. This is why.

15 minutes before the show is about to start, it is all of the sudden decided that Joe MUST wear a belt. Now, none of our belts fit him, as they were bought to go around the waists of average people. Now those roughly 9 times larger than Nebraska. So guess who has to run out and find a giant belt in 15 minutes? Of course. Me. Bottom of the Totem Pole.

While I'm frantically running in and out of Walgreen's, Payless, Hugo Boss, Nordstrom, Gap, and Marshall's, it occurs to me. I am freezing my ass off and running as fast as I can. Why? Because this man is too large for any belt I can find. Because this man is fat, I am suffering. There's irony in this too. I am getting a physical workout, because this man is overweight. Funny. And when I get back, of course the largest belt I could find doesn't work. And what does this guy do? He laughs at me. Haha you're so stupid because you couldn't find a belt large enough for me at 6 different stores, including one that has a designated "Big and Tall" section. So I hate him.

I've also been doing some things for Steve too. Security guard Steve. The bald one. You know who I'm talking about.

Last week I had to run to Walgreen's and back and get him two gallons of distilled water. Ummm if you're so big and buff and in need of distilled water, why don't YOU go running with two gallon jugs? Then today I went to go pick up his dinner at P.J. Clark's. When I brought it to him he told me I looked like I was 15. Ok...

The best part was when I was asked to sign his autograph for the pictures that the guests of the show get. That's right. Every guest of the show goes home with an autographed picture of Jerry and one of Steve. And guess what. Today's guests have my autograph. Neat.

In life outside of Springer, things are good. I've gotten out of my bi-monthly slump. Expect a happy and content Steve until January, at least. I can't make any garauntees but I think with the Holidays and stuff coming up I can pull it off. Ho Ho Ho!