Fake Baggy is almost as obnoxious as Real Baggy (almost)

Maybe two internships wasn't smart? I mean...45 hours a week of not getting paid? Okay, that's not true. Offspring doesn't pay but I do get 30 bucks a week from Weinstein. So....if I spend 30 bucks a week of my own money, and the 30 bucks from Weinstein, I can sustain a living for at least a month. Then I go home, graduate college, hopefully get money from family, and that will sustain me for a little bit longer. Maybe I'll find some sort of flexible weekend job, too. We'll see.

I should be at Universal right now for my last shift. But I skipped it. I want to go running and be productive. I don't want to spend a nice day wearing a straw hat and stamping hands. Most of the people I work(ed) with are either much older than me or obnoxious high school kids, which probably added to my already legitimate reasons for quitting. As for the two internships and quitting my job business...I came out here to work in the industry. Not to work at Unviersal Studios Hollywood. Sure things aren't all that lucrative at the moment but two internships doubles my chances of getting a job, plus doubles my contacts, which doubles my chances of getting my scripts read, which doubles my chances of getting an agent in the future.

I auditioned for Groundlings and passed, so I got into the school. All that means is I don't suck, so I don't have to take the intro workshops. I'm really excited to start next week. Who knows, if I decide I love improv more than writing, I may be back in Chicago sooner than planned. But for now, my plan is to stay in Cali, live with Mike for a year, then next June I'll reevaluate my life and see where I want to be and what I want to do.

Yesterday was the last day of Semester in LA, so if you don't count my online Bio class (which I wouldn't, since I put more effort into making a turkey sandwich than I put into studying), I am officially done with college! Sure, I'm interning, which means I'm still a college student and getting credit and what not. But, as of today I am officially on the "done with class, time to get a real job" train. It's very overwhelming. I already miss SLA. In 24 hours I've gone from going to a bungalow at the CBS Studio Center and hanging out making jokes all day, to being at the absolute bottom of the latter. Luckily, starting Tuesday I get to feel important again when I start at The Weinstein Company and get to work in the Variety building in LA. And even more exciting on Thursday when I go into Offspring Entertainment for the first time, which is on the Walt Disney Studios lot.

Since I skipped work, I'm making up for it by being ultra-productive. Meaning...

1. Finally send out the Thank You cards that I have had for 2 months.
2. Go running.
3. Final revisions of my Earl spec.
4. Laundry.
5. Clean room.
6. Call my grandma.

As of now, I haven't done any of it. I swear, I'll start soon.

Sorry Dani

I promised a chapter eleven, but it turns out the version I wrote a few months ago is gone, so I'm going to have to start over. Disney is a hard one to write about because there's just so much to cover, and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. It's like scaling Mount Everest, only without the lack of oxygen and high chance of impending death.

Anyway...Disney. Chapter 11. Some day. I promise.

I just can't be funny and creative in this blog right now. My spec for My Name is Earl basically drained all that out of me. But hot damn I am so proud of how that script turned out. The class really seemed to like it, and even the teachers had a lot of good things to say. Good to know that the tireless nights I stayed up until 4am revising were worth it. I just need to revise it one more time based on the notes from todays table (only four scripts were chosen to be tabled. Mine was chosen by a guest speaker who used to work on Freaks and Geeks and Roseanne. Yeah. Kinda cool.) and I'm officially done with it. Then it will sit around while I intern at The Weinstein Company and Offspring Entertainment, and as I try to find a way to get an agent to read it. I'll probably submit it in my application for the Warner Brothers Writers Workshop, but that program is so competitive and the odds are not in my favor so I'm not going to get my hopes up. Although it would be incredible beyond words.

Today was also my auditon at Groundlings. If all went well, which I'm confident it did, I'll be placed out of the intro workshops and into the actual school.

Then I came back and had to take an online Bio test. Now, I failed the last test, never studied, never read the chapters, don't even own the book, and have no idea what hemoglobin is, but I still managed to get a semi-solid 31/39. Internet classes really should be banned, since Wikipedia pretty much helps those of us who don't care about learning overcome any challenge.

Last night was another 4am night, and I'm starting to pass out. You know when you have those crazy little mini-dreamlike thoughts right before you're about to fall asleep? I think I've been in one all day.

I was wrong

I said I was going to intern at Underground, but I'm not anymore. I just got an internship here

Have I really not blogged in a week???

The parents got mad at me today because I overdrew on my checking and they found out that I'm out of money. They're not mad I'm out of money. They're mad that I didn't call and ask for help. I dunno, I just try to be as self-reliant as possible. They pay for my college and let me do the semester in LA, so asking for anything extra would make me feel guilty. Everything's taken care of, now. And tomorrow I'm setting up a bank account at the Universal credit union for my paychecks. It will be nice to have ATM usage again, since there are no National City Banks out here and it's getting annoying that I have to run inside target and by some Bubble Tape just to get cash back to go to City Walk.

Class is great. I'm bummed it's almost over. We've had some amazing speakers come in and talk to us. Actual successful people, too, not like the halfway-there teachers at Columbia who never seemed to make it. One of the big producers for Malcolm In The Middle came in, and the showrunner for Bernie Mac, and a ton of people that wrote for different shows. Did I ever mention that my teacher was a producer on Full House? I meant to.

I got an internship, but it's not my top choice. I'd love to get something more exciting that's on a lot and has some big names, but none of those people seem to be returning my phone calls or emails, and I think that I better just take what I can get. So, as of now, I will probably be interning at Underground Films (www.undergroundfilms.net). The people there are really cool, and since it's small it's a great opportunity to make contacts with important people. Plus, there's a dog.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

1. I'm going to take more pictures. Well, seeing as how I haven't really taken a single one, I could take a picture of my pinky toe and I've officially lived up to my promise of taking more pictures.

2. Don't expect cheesy pictures of me with random celebrities. Unless I happen across someone that I am a huge fan of, I don't really intend to approach them for a picture or autograph. I just find it incredibly tacky. They're just people.

3. I have no cell phone. Sorry. Stop texting me because I ain't gettin' it.

4. Work started. It's okay. From March 25th - April 15th I am going to be really damn busy. There's a chance I won't have a single day off at all, but I really need money so I'm not complaining.

5. I miss my Chicago friends more and more each day. I love everything out here but I'm not clicking with anyone like I did with everyone at Columbia. I'm sure with work and my upcoming internship and improv class things will pick up, but I'd give anything for some familiar faces. Can't wait for Flavin to get out here.

6. Tatty

sickly

I'm home sick from school but that doesn't mean I have time to rest, unfortunately. I still have errands to run, outlines to write, a FILTHY room to clean, etc. I remember when staying home from school meant laying on the couch drinking Vernors in a cup shaped like a crayon while watching Eureka's Castle. My, how the times have changed. My attitude is changing. Possibly due to the fact that I can never enjoy anything for too long before I start to miss complaining, but mostly I'm just starting to miss Chicago and Michigan. My grandparents are all getting old and I feel like I'm ditching out on the family as their health declines. Not to sound too glib, though. I'm having a great time. Celebrity Watch is up to five sightings now, including Nikki Cox, Harold Parrineau (Michael from Lost), Bob Barker in the cafeteria (sorry Ashley you would bt SO disappointed if you saw him sans make-up), Marisa Jaret Winokur, and Mark McGrath.

Although I am sick today, I still got to go to the Jericho panel last night. The next paragraph is for those people who posted asking for me to write about Paley Fest. If you have no interest in Jericho, just skip this paragraph and go onto the next one.
1. Two deaths are coming up. Pamela Reed says that these were very difficult to deal with because the cast becomes a family.
2. Episode 18 has a HUGE reveal about Hawkins. BIG BIG BIG.
3. By the end of the season we'll know more about the state of the rest of the world. Season 2 (god willing) will go even deeper into that.
4. Skeet Ulrich is just as cool in person as Jake Green.
5. Heather is coming back.
That's about all I can remember right now. The cast was really fun and seems to get along well. We watched the episode that is airing tonight and it's pretty good. A good Hawkins Family episode.

Annnyway, back to the real world, where nuclear attacks have yet to destroy us all. I have an internship interview tomorrow at Booya Studios which is cool because I'm meeting with the owner. They did MTV's Fear, by the way.

I'm also excited for my interview at Offspring Entertainment on Monday because they have an even more extensive list of productions, including the Hairspray movie starring...AMANDA BYNES.

Now I must go to the post office and come back to watch The Riches.

LA cool

I'm keeping quite busy these days. Aside from school and work I'm trying to go out and do as much as I can. Case in point, last night I went to go see two plays that my teacher produced. It was opening night and we got in free, and it was an excellent opportunity to brown nose. Seriously, me? Brown nosing? Has LA changed me that much in such a small period of time? The plays were pretty good. One was about a court room drama and the other was about a couple in a fertility clinic. All of my college education must be paying off because I was able to analyze the themes and characters and figure out why two plays that were so completely different shared the same bill.

Tonight I'm staying in. I have another day of orientation at Universal tomorrow and I'm already tired and with daylight savings time...I'm just not up to going out. That's right, anyone who hasn't seen my updated facebook info may not know this. I have officially accepted a job at Universal Studios Hollywood. I knew the Disney College Program would come back to help me out later on in life. I have enough money for April's rent but not much else, so this is a good way for me to make spending money. I'm actually really excited to be back in a theme park. When we first walked backstage (yes, Universal calls it "backstage" also), I remembered how exciting it was and how important I felt when I first got to go behind the scenes at Disney World. It will be a good job. It will be flexible around my internship, which is what's most important.

Tuesday I'm going to Hollywood for the Museum of Television and Radio's Paley Festival Panel with the cast and crew of Jericho. Yes, ladies, even Skeet Ulrich will be there. I'm really excited for this. I've started watching episodes of the show online to catch up and be prepared. It's actually pretty good. I recommend it to anyone with similar tastes as me. Baggy will be disappointed to know that the panel with the entire cast and crew of Heroes was tonight and I did not attend. That one sold out fast and was by far the biggest night of the festival. I went to try to get standby tickets, but it didn't seem promising so I left.

Wednesday I'm seeing a show at Groundlings. I dropped my pointless improv class because of work, and because I realized that I'm a bit more advanced than Basic Level Workshop A. I have an audition for a higher on the 19th.

Friday I'm going to a taping of Two and a Half Men. I really don't like this show. At all. But it's a good experience and should be fun. Plus, when you watch live shows being taped, everything is always HILARIOUS. Like Leno. When you're in the studio and he gives his monologue, he's the funniest man in the world. Then you watch that episode at night and barely crack a smile. The magic of television, I suppose.

This was boring. I didn't even try to be clever and insightful. But look how much fun stuff I'm doing!!!!

I get two free tickets to Universal. First two people who come out here get them. It's a new competition.

a cautionary tale. presented to you by your local produce section

I was going to die. I was sure of it. This was the moment. My twenty-two years on earth had all led up to this, my final breath. I guess my fear of plane crashes was unwarrented. Who would of known that something so small, so every day, was going to be the death of me. Not even those with the wildest of imaginations could have predicted that tomato salad would be the catalyst of my untimely demise. Would a psychic have known? Would a palm reader look at my hand as be able to tell me, "You are going to die when you try to choke down a grotesque tomato salad, because you want to be polite and clean your plate?"

Luckily, I survived to tell the tale. Tomato salad did not do me in. It came awfully close, but I shall live on, perhaps a little wiser for the wear. But if I had died, I would have accepted full responsiblity. I am the soul person who is liabal for very event, every small moment, and every decision that led me up to the tomato salad of doom.

I needed a place to live in LA. As a full time college student with a decent but by no means spectacularly high-paying job as an office assistant, my piggy bank wasn't exactly overflowing. My lack of funds meant that I would never be able to afford the prestiguous Oakwood apartments. I had to resort to more economical opportunities. If I wanted to find a place, I would need to do something a little bit unconventional.

Which led me to Andy and Pam. A friend of mine had told me that their neighbors were looking to sublet a bedroom in their house, and the rent was reasonable. Actually, it was beyond reasonable. It was a steal beyond compare. I seized the opportunity, thinking only of the cheap rent and my sunny and fabulous life in Los Angeles. I did not, however, think about the fact that I would be sharing a house with completely strangers. Three, to be exact. There was Andy and Pam, the married couple, and Steve, the detective who lived in the basement but was never there. At first I thought that Steve was made up, and that Andy and Pam were insane and planned on killing me. The evidence started piling up for this theory. On my first day in the house, they put a plastic cover on my mattress. I was, of course, certain that this was to protect the mattress from stains when they snuck in my room in the middle of the night to chop me to bits with a hacksaw. I did, however, finally meet Steve. He was, in fact, a detective. I instantly felt better about living in the house with strangers. They couldn't kill someone under their own roof with a detective in the basement, could they? Well, I suppose if the detective was corrupt and in on the whole plot, they could. But I tried not to think about that.

The days went by and I still woke up every morning, all of my limbs in tact, in a squeaky bed. There were awkward moments, since these were complete strangers, even something as every day as packing a lunch can be a tad uncomfortable when you're doing it in someone else's kitchen. Someone who you have known for less than a fortnight. I kept to myself as much as possible. I'd try to eat big lunches so that I didn't have to leave my room for food in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, they were nice people, it was just an incredibly weird situation. You'd handle it the same way, I'm sure.

One day I got home from school early, and Andy was home for his lunch break. He had a colleauge from the office over and planned on grilling some bratwursts. Now, I hate bratwurst, so when Andy asked me if I'd like to join them for lunch, a polite decline would have been the best response. But I had barely taken the time to get to know these people and I felt if I was going to be staying in their home for three months, I couldn't rely on being a recluse at every moment of the day. Having brats with these business men was just a small step towards making this house a home.

I'm not a fan of tomatoes. I hate them. Sometimes, when I'm feeling lazy, I won't bother to take them off of my taco or hamburger, but for the most part I could definitely live in a world sans tomatoes. Andy apparently loves tomatoes. So much, in fact, that his idea of a salad is to cut up tomatoes and douse them in some sort of horrid vinegar dressing that I can only describe as the urine of death. I had gotten through the bratwurst just fine, but these pile of soggy, oozing tomatoes was staring at me relentlessly the entire time. Finally, I knew I had to knuckle down and get through this. I had to be polite, right? I couldn't just leave a whole serving of tomato salad on my plate. Not when he had made it from scratch just moments before. Had I been so opposed to the consumption of tomatoes, the moment he started cutting them up for salad would have been the most opportune moment to declare my distate for them. Alas, that moment had passed, and I had no other options.

A trick I learned from eating disgusting food when I was younger: swallow and don't chew. Chewing leads the food spending even more time on your taste buds, which, obviously, leads to tasting. What you want to do is get the food as far back in your mouth as possible and swallow it whole. This worked for a few bites of the salad. The problem was that the tomatoes were cut rather large, and so I was swallowing fairly substantial sizes. Each bite got worse and worse. My gag reflex began to kick in. But I had to keep going. I had to prove to these two people, one whom I live with and have to see every day, the other a man I've never met before in my life but still seemed rather judgmental (and that intimidated me), that I could clean my plate. I'm an adult and I can eat a plate of tomatoes, see?

It was the last tomato that did me in. My esophagus couldn't take anymore. It contracted and refused to let the chunk of tomato budge. I couldn't swallow it, I couldn't cough it up, and I sure as hell couldn't panic and let the others know I was choking. So I sat there politely, choking to death, tears beginning to well in my eyes, wondering how Andy was going to explain this to my parents.

"Well, we were sitting there eating tomato salad, which he seemed to really enjoy since he ate all of it, and then he just dropped dead into his plate."

Then I thought about my funeral, and how they'd probably serve tomato salad on account of the fact that I enjoyed it so much that I allowed it to take my life.

Somehow, let's just chalk it up to Deus Ex Machina, the chunk of tomato, which in retrospect was roughly the size of Jupiter, passed through my throat and I could breath again. Andy and the stranger never knew how close I was to death, and I learned a valuable lesson about eating vegetables.

Kidz Bop: Horrifyingly True Tales!

Tonight we went to karaoke at the Oakwood. The Oakwood is pretty notorious for being the number one haven for child actors and their disturbingly over-dedicated parents. This means that this is not the kind of karaoke night that you or I may be used to. It's not really karaoke night at all. It's an excuse for the parents to get their kids up on stage and exploit them one last time before the day is through. It's a mixture of hilarious ("OH MY GOD DID SHE JUST THROUGH HER COWBOY HAT INTO THE CROWD???), heartbreaking ("these kids are getting set up for failure, their parents should take them home and let them be kids.), and just plain fucking adorable ("awww she knows all the words to that High School Musical song and she's only four!).

You're not really sure what to make of the whole thing. There's a large woman who walks around and passes out candy to everyone, but she gives dirty looks to anyone over the age of fifteen, claiming that she "may not be a mother, but she's a great-aunt forty-five times over, and she knows how rude teenagers can be." There's also Karaoke man. You never see him, but you hear his ominous voice throughout the entire show. Much like the Wizard of Oz, you feel both threatened and in awe of his power, even though he is really nothing more than a man with a microphone and a few instrumental CDs. Also, when he says things like "Hannah and Marie are singing 'So Yesterday.' Is it me, or is that song so yesterday???" the level of awe, as well as the level of being threatened, plummet drastically.

The kids are surprisingly supportive of each other. They all sit in the front and cheer for each other and talk excitedly in between songs. I guess I figured there would be more backstabbing and complaining but it seems that the parents do most of that.

Seriously though, I couldn't get enough of it. The choreography. The pretensiousness. The clothes. Oh God, the clothes. Should eleven year olds be wearing tanktops with mini-skirts? Should they have highlights? Should they be wearing make-up? No. They should be pissing their pants and watching Nickelodeon. It's crazy.

One boy sang "Livin' La Vida Loca" and he took his shirt off in the beginning. He was wearing a wifebeater underneath. And wanna know what's really twisted? People CHEERED when he took his shirt off. A little boy is stripping and parents are cheering. How disturbing is that? It was almost as bad as the oversexed trio of eleven-year-old-girls channeling their inner Britney and singing "I Love Rock & Roll." "Channeling their inner Britney," of course, is a euphamism for "gyrating provacatively on each other, groaning and moaning as if participating in coital activities on stage, and doing everything that a good parent would raise their kids to do better than."

sing...until your lungs give out

I hate the new Fall Out Boy song. I swear, I do. But for some reason that defies all laws of science, I find myself turning it up and singing along when I'm driving to Studio City with my windows down every morning. It's a terrible, terrible song, though. I do realize that. But...I just can't help it. This ain't a sceeeeeeeene.

I'm really enjoying myself out here. A lot. I know that a lot of that has to do with the fact that it's barely been a week and I'm still in the honeymoon phase, and that soon the novelty of going to class at CBS Studios will wear off and I'll start to miss Chicago and everyone back there. And I'll of course find ways to make myself miserable like always. I have friends out here, which is good. I saw Rob last night, and I'm friends with the neighbors and with a bunch of people from class, but I just don't see myself meeting another group like the gang back in Chicago. Don't cry for me, though. I'm having the time of my life.

Through some sort of combination of my desire to always be busy and my paranoia that I am spending too much money, I have started the process of getting a job. Disney is too far from where I live in Burbank, but Universal Studios is right down the street, and so I have a second interview there on Monday. I could have gotten a job working a ride, but my availability didn't work out with that because of school. So instead I'm interviewing to work the front gate. I would do this until SLA is over, and then either transfer to one of the attractions or audition to be a studio tour guide. I'll most likely pursue the tour guide option. Since I have to have an internship to graduate, and most internships don't pay, it's probably wise for me to get a job. I loved working the turnstiles at Disney so I think I might enjoy this.

I still don't have an internship lined up, but I still have a month. I'm not all that concerned about finding one, since I've already been in contact with several people, and the only reason that nothing has worked out is because I'm not available until the end of March and they all need people now.

I think I'm finally coming to the realization that I am indeed laying the foundation to build a life out here. Maybe not forever, but for a while. Not much of a surprise, though. We all knew deep down that I wasn't coming back to Chicago.

The married couple is super nice, if not slightly awkward still. They offer me dinner a lot, which is nice, and the guy showed me around while the girl showed me how to work the TiVo in case I wanted to watch every episode of American Idol ever aired (I HAVE always wanted to see Fantasia Barrino take home the gold...). I've only seen the detective twice, which is a bummer because they say he has really good stories to tell and I'm interested in hearing them, but he is home for about fifteen minutes twice a week and that's it. No Dani, he doesn't wear a detective coat. But he does wear suspenders. I think it's a rule that detectives wear suspenders. I think it's so that their pants don't fall down and interfere with a crime scene.

In a few weeks I'm going to a big Museum of Radio & Television Panel with the cast and crew of Jericho. So now I'm catching up on every episode so far so that I have at least a slight idea of what's going on. Jericho wasn't my first choice, but The Office, Heroes, Dexter, Nip/Tuck, and The Simpsons were sold out already. I may show up for the Heroes one next week and see if I can get a standby ticket, if only to see how plastic Hayden Panitierre looks in real life.

I'm also going to the taping of a pilot. I read the script of it and I can tell you with a fairly decent amount of certainty that you will never see this show on the air because it's not funny at all. Molly Shannon is in it, though. But does that really mean anything anymore?

Life in LA isn't all that overwhelming, but I find that I keep overwhelming myself. Obsessively looking up jobs and internships, always feeling like I'm not writing enough, worrying that I should do one thing instead of another. I don't even really know how to describe it. I think I am forgetting that I am still in school and way off from any sort of real career. Take the job situation, for instance. I need to start making money in the next few weeks. Well, I don't NEED to but I probably should. Being poor would kind of suck. So I of course think to myself "well, any job would be fine. I'll go find a Starbucks or something."

That's all well and good, but then this other Steve voice pops into my head and says "You're in LA! Find a production company! Work on a film! Do something in your field!" So I spend much time scouring craig's list and other entertainment job sites for something temporary and part time, since class is of the 9-5 nature. Of course, no good job in my field is looking for help on nights and weekends, so that doesn't do much good. I did apply as a tour guide at Universal Studios which I BETTER hear back about, since I've worked for NBC Universal before, and I have theme park experience. Plus I could do night/weekend types of things. Plus its money.


This is boring. I wasn't funny or anything. Sorry for wasting your time.


Oh, I live with a detective in the basement.

5 random facts to let you know I'm still alive.

5. In and Out Burgers are okay. That's it. Just okay.

4. Today I got to go to the set of CSI NY, According to Jim, and a lecture with Will Forte (current SNL cast member) and Lorraine Newman (one of the original SNL cast members). The lecture was at Groundlings. It was really inspiring and I'm so glad that I'm going back into performance stuff, especially Improv. I mean, I was an Acting minor at Columbia but I'm just not a theatre person. I love all of the Writing & Producing stuff that I've done, and that's still something I'm gunning for, but I think somewhere between the ages of 18 and 22 I forgot what a passion I have for performing, specifically improv and comedy. Also interesting to note that Will Forte did a lot of writing for shows and backstage work before joining SNL.

3. I'm all settled into my place in Burbank. I'm subletting from Andy and Pam. They are a super nice married couple who might be just a little too nice. They are spoiling me like no other. For what I am paying a month, I am already getting an amazing deal. On top of that, they bought a rug to put in my room and want to get a flat screen TV for it too. Granted, after I leave they will continue to rent out the room, so it's not like these presents are specifically for me, but it's still awkward. The most awkward part is the plastic mattress cover they put on my bed. Are they worried that I'm a chronic bed wetter, or are they planning on stabbing me to death in my sleep? And which of those two is worse?

2. Every day I get to drive past Warner Brothers Studios, and I see the water tower and think of Animaniacs.

1. I scratched my new car already and I'm really pissed off about it. This is negative so I feel that this shouldn't be number one. I want to end on something fun and interesting.

1.1 Apparently in Las Vegas, they feel that everyone already knows the area code, so the phone book doesn't list it, nor do any billboards or signs with phone numbers. Nothing tells you what the area code of Las Vegas is. Lucky for me, I remember watching TRL one day when 702, the girls that sang "Where My Girls At?" came on. They explained that their name came from the area code of their home town, Las Vegas. Sure enough, I tried 702 and it worked. So a crappy band, mindnumbing television series geared towards adolescents with no personalities, plus my ability to remember the most useless information but inevitably discard anything of any actual importance almost instantly, pretty much a trifecta that saved our day.

Did Lewis and Clark stop in Vegas? Because I did.

Okie shmokie, here we go. I know you've been salivating over the thought of reading about my drive out west, and I'd hate to keep you waiting any longer than I already regrettably have. Hopefully nobody is suffering from a bout of hysterical blindness as a result of my departure. I'd sure hate for you to miss out on reading about my spiritual experience in the Texas panhandle.

Let's start with Thursday, since the whole experience really did begin with Steven's Last Night in Town. Ashley said she could drive me to the train station, but first she had to give blood. I'm not sure if anyone knows that Ashley gave blood on Thursday. She's been quite discreety about it. She barely mentioned it to anyone. So she comes to pick me up and unfortunately we didn't get to the train station in time. I missed it. Had to leave Friday morning instead. I really wasn't that upset. It meant I got to watch my Thursday night comedies with Jeff one last time, and I could hang out with my friends without the sadness of goodbyes or the stress of packing, since all that had been done.

Friday morning I got up, got my stuff together, and went outside to catch a cab. This took about a half hour. I called my mom to tell her I'd probably miss the bus (I got a bus ticket this time) because every cab was full. For over a half hour, I waited in the freezing cold, waving unsuccessfully to every cab that drove by. At this point, my fingers (we all know how Steve's fingers get) are in excrutiating pain, I can't even hold my suitcase handle. I'm leaving Chicago and I'm stressed and I can't figure out if I want to burst into tears, punch a wall, or go throw a brick through Ashley's window. I decided on the brick, but a cab finally showed up and took my to Union Station. I almost missed the bus, but it all worked out. The rest of Friday included dinner with family, scouring Craig's List for apartments and jobs, and unpacking my stuff from Chicago. Then my Dad told me that he wanted to leave at 6 am. Now, it's midnight and I'm still unpacking everything in my life that I had in Chicago. Now, I have six hours to pack my life for California. Of course this takes an unnecessarily long time because I keep going online and there's a Growing Pains marathon on, but I managed to finish packing and tear myself away from the Seavers at 4am for an entire hour of sleep.

EXPEDITION AMERICA: DAY 1

My Dad woke me up and we drove, drove, drove...for an hour. We got to Jackson and the roads were bad and the Focus is swerving and fishtailing all over the place. We can barely go 40. Trucks are passing us. This is not good, and since the car is new, we assume of course that something is wrong with it. It takes a good two hours or so to get to Fort Wayne, where we decide to have the car looked at. We pull into a Ford dealership and they look at everything and guess what they find? Nothing. Apparently the roads are just THAT bad. Black ice, people. Ever heard of it? The road where we had the most trouble was now closed because of a jack-knifed semi. My car was fine. Good to know. We end up making our way to Springfield, Missouri, a good 400 miles short of our goal, which was Oklahoma city. Here is a collection of every exciting thing we passed between Novi and Springfield.



That's the long and short of it. We got to Springfield, ate at Pizza Hut, where my parents couldn't get over the three foot mohawk this girl had (which was pretty out of place in Missouri), and I marveled at how much I love southern accents.

DAY 2

We got up super early and drove. This was probably the best/worst time I had with my parents in a long time. The bests included: Noticing that the book my Mom bought to keep track of miles and the trip says "I got your mom's digits" on the front and having to explain to her why that's funny, as well as call everyone I know to tell them. Listening to mariachi on AM radio. Listening to a call-in talk show for truckers on AM. Basically anything on AM radio in Texas. Driving across the Hoover Dam at 3am. My mom asking if the giant spinning things were wind or solar power (hint: they're spinning).



What you are looking at is the largest cross in the Western Hemisphere. We drove by it and the sign says that this is the spiritual experience of a lifetime. So, naturally, I had to share it with you. Sidenote: there is a giant cross exactly like this in Missouri. But that one doesn't have a sign or a giant stage for plays, so I guess it's not as spiritual. It doesn't even have a gift shop to buy a T-Shirt that says "my parents went to the largest cross and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

The worst parts of Day 2 include but are not limited to...Being in the car for almost 24 hours. Driving past miles, miles, miles, and miles of nothing. Not getting to Vegas until 4 am. Not finding a place to stay in Vegas until 5 am.

Day 3. Vegas, baby.

Vegas isn't exactly my cup of tea. I had fun, this much is true. But it just wasn't all I expected it to be. This could be related to the fact that I went with my parents, who weren't all that interested in drinking and titty bars. I gambled a bit, drank a bit, watched Heroes, drank and gambled some more. We went to downtown Las Vegas which is where the trashy locals go and I think I found it to have more character than the Strip. The strip is like Disney World and downtown Las Vegas is like...a strip mall, essentially.


As you can see, the people flock to downtown Vegas, where the cocktail waitresses are as loose as the slots.

Is this where the new James Bond movie was filmed? I'd say...no.



So the day after Vegas, I think we're on to day 4, we drove to Huntington Beach, where I am now. I had an internship interview, which went well but I can't work until the end of March after class, and the position may be filled by then. The lady said to stay in contact with her about other internships and possibly even something with writers, so that's cool. Someone just called while I was writing this from another production company that works on 24 and did Felicity. It's exciting, but now I have to call and say "sorry, not available until March. Do you love me enough to to call back?"

Last night my Mom's cousins came into town with their kids. I still couldn't tell you who I'm related to, whose name is whose, and who brought the chihuahua, but I do know there were twelve of us. It was a good time. I like getting to know family that I don't know that well. It's like meeting a stranger but already having a bond because you know you're of the same blood, and that they probably sent you money when you graduated High School.

When they left, my mom's cousin gave me a hug. Normal, since she's one of the few people that I actually know. She hugged me pretty tight and for a little bit longer than a normal hug. I was kinda confused but I didn't think much of it. He daughter just moved out here and I am now too and she knows how tough this is for my mom, so it probably had something to do with that. Then I realized that she had lost her oldest daughter in a car accident a few years ago, and that this long hug might have something to do with that. Just kind of makes you think.

The parents left today, so I'm a little glum. My mom was a wreck at the airport. I tried to think of something inspiring and emotional yet clever to say, but instead just shouted out LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU across the street as they went inside. If anything, I embarrassed her enough to stop missing me. You'd think it would be easier since I moved out in 2002, went to Kalamazoo, then Orlando, then Chicago, but I guess not. I got back from the airport just fine, now I'm sitting around. I need to work a LOT on my Earl spec (as in...write the whole thing) because my application for Nickelodeon is due next week. I also want to run. I need to return the blank CD's I bought at Ralph's since they cost like twenty bucks and that's ridiculous, and then I'm going up to Glendale tonight for a barbecue to meet the people I will most likely be living with. So, that's where I am right now. Any questions? Comments? Concerns?

I'm in California. I'm exhausted to the point of brain dead so don't expect a huge update on the cross country trip any time soon.

Alas, I am here. Huntington Beach with my parents for a few days, looking at some places tomorrow and an internship interview(!). Hopefully by next week I'll have a place to hang my Tigers hat. We'll see.

It's after midnight, and I'm writing about Pasta Roni why?

I got bit by the culinary bug tonight and decided to make something fancy. I decided on pasta because it's both easy and satisfying. Also, when you have a pot boiling on the stove, you really feel like you're accomplishing something. It seemed like fun to try something new, so I made shells in a white cheddar sauce, because not only is my palette constantly seeking exotic new tastes, but it was also the only kind of Pasta Roni I had left.

The Pasta Roni box has a large red banner across it that reads "Now Better Tasting!"

I just don't feel that this is a good way to entice buyers to try your product. I mean, my first thought when I read the box was "Oh God, this must have really tasted like shit before if their major selling point is that it no longer tastes like it used to." Then I wondered how this decision came about. Does Pasta Roni have tasting labs? And if so, where are they? I can assure you they are not in Italy because the term "Pasta Roni" is by and large an inexcusable assault on the Italian language.

But most importantly, do you think some jackass actually got a raise for coming up with such a million dollar idea?

President of Pasta Roni: We need to increase sales! Any ideas?
Bob: Soccer tournaments?
Lance: Istanbul?
Peter: Make it taste better?
President of Pasta Roni: GENIUS!!!

Now Peter is sitting in his corner office, sending his kids to expensive private school where they learn to ride horses, and cheating on his wife with his sultry new secretary which he thinks is really exotic because she's Hispanic but really she's from Boise and just tans a lot, all because he had the innovative and cutting-edge idea to make Pasta Roni taste better. And this is just the beginning! Thanks to Peter's intuition, other companies are following suit!

-Ford Motor Company has announced plans to make cars better.

-McDonalds is currently researching methods of making milkshakes taste milkshakier.

-Harold's Chicken Shack will soon begin removing all feathers from the product before deep frying and serving it.

So remember, friends. When life seems tough, and you feel like there's no way out. Before you go reaching for some deadly mixture of opiates and COX-2 inhibitors, think of Peter.

...Then swallow the pills.

Parting gifts

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
~Gilda Radner

“Whoever starts out toward the unknown must consent to venture alone”
-Andre Gide


Let me preface this entire piece with one statement. I have absolutely no intention of staying in Los Angeles. Okay, okay…don’t take the cork out of the champagne just yet. I have no intention of going back to Chicago, either. So what does this mean? Do I intend to move to Vegas? Boston? Sierra Leone? As passionate as I am about gambling, beans, and conflict diamonds, the answer is sill no. Simply put, I have no intentions at this point. I intend to get a job and to pursue my dream, but at this point, I just see no reason to commit to anything. I’m young. I have options. Let’s just throw the paper airplane and see where it lands, right? For now, all I can guarantee (whenver I write “guarantee,” I sound it out in my head. “Gwar-an-tee.”) is that I’m spending five weeks in LA for school. Where will I be come April 1st? Given the date, I will be committing hijinks and foolery of all sorts, but the location where said foolery will take place? File that under TBD. Wow…that was quite a preface.

This was supposed to be one of my famous “Bye! Love you!” posts, and here I am going on talking about phonetic spelling and April Fool’s Day. Talk about a digression.

The fact of the matter is, I am not sad to leave. I don’t know why. It could be because I was an emotional wreck the entire week, and that well had simply run dry. It could be because I’m just so glad to not be living with a certain someone anymore that the immense amount of ecstasy I’m feeling overpowers any sorrow. Or, maybe…just maybe…I’m not sad to leave because everyone is coming with me.

Don’t let’s be silly, you know I’m speaking figuratively. So don’t start posting sublet ads on Craig’s List and shopping for sandals. You’re all staying put in Chicago. Suckers. How’s the weather, by the way?

Seriously though. Everyone is coming with me, in a way. Let’s have a party. What kind of salsa should I bring? I was thinking mild, just so everyone can eat it.


I will always make an extra effort to please the people important to me. So, Ashley is coming with me.

I will always take the greatest amount of joy in life’s smallest and simplest pleasures. So, Dani is coming with me.

I will always overanalyze every possible outcome of every situation, but ultimately trust my instincts. So, Baggy is coming with me.

I will always look for ways to shake life up, even if it means a few ferocious fights now and then. So, Kara is coming with me.

I will always clap my hands and cheer like an adolescent every time something funny happens. So, Jeff is coming with me.

I will always be loyal to my friends. So, Dave is coming with me.

I will always make left turns when most people seem to be going right. So, Christian is coming with me.

I will always maintain a healthy balance of competitive edge and sincerity. So, Jenny is coming with me.

I will always say the most random things at the most inappropriate times. So, Jess is coming with me.

Moving away is scary. The unknown is terrifying. Goodbyes can be tragic. But I’m just not seeing that this time. Maybe leaving Western and Disney has desensitized me to the whole thing, but I’m just not feeling any of that gloom right now. I’m excited to be moving on with my life and to try new things. I’m finally going to pursue what I’ve wanted to do all my life, and it’s exciting. I wish everyone actually could come with. In a physical sense, not just some cheesy sentimental blog post way. But at the same time, I love the fact that I have friends all over the world. And I know that all the people who are important to me will not be leaving my life any time soon.

A beautiful Outlook on things.

Every so often, mankind comes forth with a new invention that does more than turn the pages of the book of time. It creates a new chapter entirely. The automobile. Chemotherapy. Youtube. What do these three creations have in common? They have improved our lives in ways we never thought possibly. Little did I know, however, that an even more groundbreaking invention had been brought to life. And it slipped right past me, without so much as a peep. Right under my nose this whole time, and hidden in my Start Menu. It's name?

Microsoft Outlook.

Not since iTunes has a program that comes standard with all computers made my life so much easier. Of course having instant access to my gmail account without signing onto the internet is great, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Hell, Outlook isn't even an iceberg, it's a glacier. A giant frozen mass of organized convenience.

To say I like to keep lists of things to do would be as heavy an understatement as saying that Hitler had a mild distaste for Jews. I love lists. With everything that is pure in my heart, I love making lists of things that I need to get done. Luckily, with school, work, an upcoming graduation, and moving across the country next week, I have plenty of things to add to my list on a daily basis. With Outlook, I have a checklist of the eighteen trillion things that I need to get done. I do still carry around my Far Side planner so that I can scrawl things like "ask Dad about exhaust filter" into every square inch of free space. But once I get home, make no mistake, I happily transfer each and every task, no matter how trivial, into my Outlook Task folder.

On top of that, there's a Calender and Contacts list as well. Why haven't I been using this since 2003? Tell me that. Please. Enlighten me as to why it took me this long to actually open this godsend of computer software.

On an unrelated but equally relevant topic (although major Steve points* will be awarded to anyone who can find an interesting connection), Anna Nicole Smith died. Isn't that insane? Brynne, who you may remember from Chapter One and Chapter Ten texted me earlier to tell me. Initially, I didn't believe her. I had a few reasons to be less than credulous to her claim. Namely, the time I told her that the Crocodile Hunter had died. This was several years before he actually did die (which, in retrospect, coats the entire story in a dark shade of irony). So naturally I just assumed this was a lie and that Brynne was getting back at me for a trick I played on her almost eight years ago. But I decided to check the internet, as it is seemingly so reliable to begin with, and see for myself. Lo and behold, it made front page news as CNN.com. Brynne was telling the truth.




*Steve points can only be redeemed for sarcastic comments, witty insights, or valuable life lessons. They cannot be exchanged for cash value and are not redeemable in Idaho, Wyoming, and parts of New Jersey.

I'm not pro-protest

I don't understand these student protests against the Bush Administration. Okay, let me clarify. I understand why students want to protest, and their point of view on everything, but what I don't understand is their incessant need to skip class in order to rally. I feel as though there are more Anti-Bush protests in a month than there are Fridays. What baffles me the most is how these organizations are always calling for students to skip class that day to make a statement. First of all, you're in college. No one gives a shit if you skip class. The only statement that's making is "I didn't go to class today." Students make that statement on a daily basis, regardless of the Bush Administration and genocide in Iraq. Second, you're PAYING to go to school. Dollars come out of your pocket and go to your college, and in return, you get to attend class, learn, get a piece of paper, and maybe (if you're lucky) get a job. So, what part of skipping class to protest makes sense from an economical standpoint? To me, it's like going to the grocery store, buying a dozen boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and then protesting Hershey's Candy by not eating your cereal. Can't you protest on a Saturday? Can't all of the organizations who put these together come together to form one big one? Flaws. All I see are flaws.

In terms of LA, everything is going well. I got a car yesterday. A Focus. Liquid Grey. Here are a few true facts about why I got a car.
1. I'm graduating and I'm going to need one anyway.
2. LA is not a commuter city.
3. I'm under 25 and it is more economical to drive out there than rent one.
4. Since my Dad works for Ford and knows people and gets discounts, its better for me to get a car here.

My sublet may have fallen through. Sucks, because I was going to have my own bedroom and bathroom in a virtually empty house with all utilities (even internet and cleaning service) included for $600 a month. But it was only a temporary thing anyway, so I'm not going to worry about it. Once I get to California I'll stay with my Aunt and Uncle until I find a place.

I'm going to get a part-time job right away. Well, maybe not right away, but soon. Nothing too rigorous. But since SLA is supposed to be rather calm and easy, there's no reason I can't work 10-15 hours a week somewhere. I'm going to be more picky about it though. The days of My Pi and Campus Colors are over. I'd like to find a job relevant to what I want to do in life, but that might not happen right away. As it is now, I have saved enough money for almost two months of rent and an Improv class at Groundlings. But I don't have enough for food or any other per diem expenses ("per diem", as you know, is latin for "Busty Prostitutes") Plus there's that car I'm going to need to start paying for eventually. Oh wow, I'm growing up. I gots bills to pay.

I may have some connections to get myself an internship at Ellen. Also, there's the lady at NBC. On top of that, my portfolio advisor really liked me and told me to keep in touch with him and he may be able to get me a job as a PA or something on a new show called Swingtown, if it gets picked up. On top of that I'm applying for an internship at The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (pays really, really well, but super selective. I'll never get it), and a one-year writing fellowship at Nickelodeon, which also pays.

So, my days are usually spent working on essays, a spec script, my resume, getting letters of recommendation, and emailing people.

Jess will know exactly where I got THIS from!

Soooo it's late and I can't sleep because as I was going through all of the stuff that I moved out of the apartment today it finally hit me that I'm leaving in two weeks. I am not ready for this. Gah...

Sooo I needed something to distract me from myself. It was either an internet survey or tear all my hair out and bawl hysterically. I think I made the right choice.


What's your middle name?
-- Michael

How big is your bed?
-- Ummm if you want to sleep with me just ask. It's a futon, btw.

What are you listening to right now?
-- Our Lady Peace "Somewhere Out There" (I'll probably be listening to it non-stop for the next month)

what are the last 4 digits in your cell #?
-- First the bed question and now this? Perv. 3670, although I remember fondly the days of 0464.

Last thing you ate?
-- Some peanuts

Last person you hugged?
-- Oh wow...ummm.....I'm not a hugger, really. I don't even know.

How is the weather right now?
-- BITTER! FRIGID!

Last person I talked to on the phone?
-- My mom.

First thing I notice about the opposite sex?
-- Teeth.

Favorite type of food?
-- I really really like tacos.

Do you want children?
-- Yeah. I think I do.

Do you drink?
-- Is Paula Abdul's body saturated with painkillers?

Ever got so drunk you don't remember a night?
-- I ususally remember most of it.

Hair color?
-- Blonde.

Eye color?
-- I'm bored with this?

Do you wear glasses/ contacts?
-- UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. contacts.

Favorite holiday?
-- Halloween and Christmas. Too hard to choose.

Favorite season?
-- Summer

Have you ever cried over a boy?
-- Oh wow. This is getting a touch personal. No. I haven't.

Last movie you watched?
-- The Descent. Scarrrrry.

What books are you reading?
-- The Comic Toolbox

Piercings?
-- There was the famous canadian cartilage piercing but that's been gone since the second week of Disney.

Favorite movie?
-- I Heart Huckabees or Very Bad Things

Favorite college football team?
-- GO BRONCOS!

What were you doing before filling this out?
-- Going insane.

Any pets?
-- no.

Favorite flower?
-- Pussywillow.

Have you ever loved someone?
-- Maybe. But probably not.

Who would you like to see right now?
-- Seriously? Anyone.

Have you ever fired a gun?
-- no.

Do you like to travel by plane?
-- Shit no. I thought I was gonna throw up on the way to Orlando.

Right hand or left hand?
-- right.

If you could go to any place right now, where would you go?
-- The University Center circa 2005

Are you missing someone?
-- yes. more than just one some.

Do you have a tattoo?
-- Nope. Maybe one day.

Do you still watch cartoons on sat. mornings?
-- You think I'm up for cartoons on saturday morning? Well, actually I am. But the answer to that is no. I don't.

Are you hiding something from someone?
-- Come on, who isn't?

Are you 18?
-- 22

What is on the wallpaper of your cell phone?
-- Shilo

Did you get enough sleep last night?
-- no! Power Hour and then getting up for work at 8. I'm exhausted.

First thing you thought about this morning?
-- Yesssssss I don't have a hangover.

Grilled or fried?
-- grilled. Fried food kind of grosses me out. But I'll eat anything when I'm starving.

What makes you unique?
-- Random, sarcastic, wildly inappropriate, sentimental jackass

Are you afraid of the dark?
-- Not so much.

Favorite hangout place?
-- I don't think I have a favorite place. Anywhere with fun people is good.

3 things you can't live without?
-- chips & salsa (which count as one thing, so STFU with that), television, my friends.

Favorite song?
-- Buckcherry "For The Movies"

What are you afraid of?
-- death

Are you a giver or taker?
-- both

Do you have nicknames, what?
-- Ooooh here we go:
Scooby, Brita, Brita Steve, Baby Shoe, Baby Steve, Steve-O, Stevicus, Peg, Peglet, Mr. Peg, Pegasaurus, Peggington

What is your dads middle name?
-- Francis. Okay this survey is making me mad.

What is your mothers middle name?
-- Theresa

Stuck on a deserted island & could take one thing?
-- A boat? Nah...definitely my George Foreman grill.

Favorite tv commercial?
-- The one where Ellen is working with animals. I laugh out loud.

Whos your cell phone provider?
-- T-Mobile. Stick Together.

First thing you'll save in a fire?
-- computer. Or a roommate. (computer)

What are the things you always take with you?
-- phone. wallet. keys.

What did you wanan be when you were a kid?
-- Famous.

What do you usually do when the clock hits 11:11?
-- Sacrifice four goats and drink the blood of a virgin while doing sand art?

What about you think about before bed?
-- Regrets.

That's great it starts with an earthquake...

Two signs of an impending apocolypse have been permanently burnt into my consciousness.

The first is the image of Harry Potter's jungle-like happy trail.

The other is Norbit.




I don't know, Eddie. Have YOU ever made a really big mistake? And could that mistake by any chance be releasing a disasterous rip-off of not only Big Mama's House, but also your own The Nutty Professor? If I were a member of the Academy, and I didn't already slit my wrists because my title required me to see Dreamgirls in the first place, I'd most certainly rescind my vote for you after turning on the TV and seeing you dressed as a fat woman dancing to a Pussycat Dolls song that was popular like 2 YEARS AGO.




PS. I just saw the producer I used to work with all the time at Jerry Springer. I saw her at the bank. She was working there.

PPS. The new Brown Line tracks at the Fullerton stop are so smooth and quiet! It's almost spiritual. It feels like I'm listening to Pure Moods...in the womb.

listing

Things I hate at the moment:

Being sick because of the incident on Friday in which I had to make sure drunk Kara got home safe, as she continued to fall down, get in cars with strangers, piss people off, make out with old men, and or just plain refuse to keep walking. It was not unlike The Canterbury Tales.

Maui Fever. It's about a handful of young adults who happen to be oversexed, pompous, and highly irritating. Also, producers have to put the person's name at the bottom of the screen so you can tell them all apart, because they all look exactly the same (which is mediocre, at best). Wait, isn't that Laguna Beach?

The Dean of Student's office. It gets so hot in here, I've started incubating eggs in my pocket.

My Science of Nutrition teacher. I have received two emails from her telling me that I am doing the assignments wrong and to read the instructions she emailed to the class last week. I have sent her responses both times, telling her that I never received that email. Despite my asking twice, she has yet to send it. Communication with a teacher via email shouldn't be this hard...WHEN IT'S AN ONLINE CLASS.

Having a $100 gift card to the bookstore because I went to return a book after my credit card was cancelled. Wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was ever in my life going to buy textbooks again.

The Hills. I can't wait for the day when Lauren snaps and smothers Heidi with a pink chiffon throw pillow.



Things I love at the moment:

I may have found a place to stay in LA. My friend Sam's neighbor is renting out a bedroom in his house. $600 a month includes all utilities as well as internet and a cleaning service. Not to mention my own private bathroom. The owner has another house in Palm Springs where he apparently spends most of his time. It's also super close to the studios. Or, at least much much closer than my aunt and uncle.

LOST. WEDNESDAY. GAH.

Hero to Zero

The creator of Heroes told TV guide that a major character will be killed off in a few weeks. Of course, as per any time the announcement of a major character death is leaked, the fans are all a twitter. I love me some Heroes, and I love me some good character deaths, so I figured that the occasion calls for some speculation. So, whose gonna kick it?

Matt- Apparently the death is someone who has been around since the beginning. Couldn't be Matt since he didn't show up until the 2nd or 3rd episode. Odds: Unlikely

Mohinder- God, I hope so. The actor is terrible and the character is boring and pointless. He comes to America to find the Heroes, then as soon as he actually finds a hero, for no reason whatsoever he decides to give up and go back to India, only to have irrelevant and boring dreams that bring him back to America again. His character is just a device to bring characters together, and his voiceovers at the end of episodes are hokey beyond belief. Plus, he has no powers. Mohinder is my top choice. Odds: Likely.

Niki/Jessica- This is a tough one. Ali Larter is the main female of the show, so I can't really see them offing her at this point, especially when there's so much mystery surrounding her character. I could hypothesize that Jessica ends up killing Niki and taking over, but that doesn't make much sense because 1. They did the exact same thing on Angel and 2. Jessica might not be a good guy but everything she does is for what she thinks is Niki and her son Micah's best interest. Odds: It could go either way.

Simone- Simone is actually a little more useless than Mohinder, if you can believe it. However she's a lot more likable, and after Eden blew her brains out and Charlie's head got open like a can of beans, I'm not sure that the writers would kill off three females in a row. But then again, Ana-Lucia, Libby, and Shannon from Lost might disagree. Odds: More likely than Niki/Jessica, less likely than Mohinder.

Peter or Hiro- No way. They are fan favorites and not going anywhere.

Claire- The entire first half of the season used the catchphrase "Save the Cheerleader, Save the world." If she were to die, that makes the last 12 episodes irrelevant. Odds: Not a chance.

Nathan- I still think Nathan will become a bad guy, and that transition is going to take time. He'll definitely bite it eventually, but not next.

Micah- He's the only thing that DL and Niki/Jessica are fighting for. Without him that whole storyline is pointless.

Horn-Rimmed Glasses- I suppose he could be the one to go. Claire looking for her birth mother and all so there may not be any need for her adoptive father anymore. His motives are still unknown so we still can't figure out if he's bad or good. Also, HRG has Sylar in custody and has ties with the ever-so-mysterious-but-seems-to-know-everyone Linderman. If HRG turns out to be a bad guy, he'll be killed in order to make room for Sylar or Linderman. If he turns out to be good and then killed, it could be in a heart-wrenching scene when we finally discover that all he cared about was protecting Claire, as well as the world.

I had to share this.

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay


These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-- Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-- Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-- Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Scary movies rarely ever scare me.

This did.

Takin' Care of Biznass

I got a business card designed for me for free.

And I'm also getting a professional portfolio website done.

Why don't more people take advantage of the Portfolio Center? Seriously.

A plea.

At the beginning of Winter, much of the world experienced unseasonably warm weather. By the end of December, record high temperatures were being recorded all over. People began to suspect Global Warming as the cause of this. Many people were even in a small state of panic.

And then something terrible happened.

It got cold out.

My fellow Americans,
Global Warming is a very real threat. However, it is not real enough. Our destruction of the ozone has only brought us warm weather up until January. Now, we must embark through the bitter cold on a daily basis. Numb fingers struggle to get keys into doors. Wet hair freezes in the blustery mornings. Heat must be turned up at night. What has happened to our fair and temperate Midwest winter?

So I ask of you. Please. Do everything you can to destroy the environment. Nobody likes to be cold. It makes people sick. It makes people unhappy. It makes people die from sickness...unhappily. I urge you all to drive cars as much as possible. Even if you have nowhere to go. Waste gas. Leave the car running in the driveway when you run inside because you forgot your cell phone. In fact, leave the car running all day. Do not use environmentally friendly hair products. Use aerosol cans. Go to Costco and buy crates and crates of aerosol products wholesale. Use styrofoam and don't recycle it. Burn rubber tires. Do whatever it takes. Do your part.

If we work hard, just imagine where we can be in only one year. I envision January 25th, 2007, to be a beautiful day. 70's and slightly breezy. Backyard barbecues, block parties, pool parties, beach parties...you name it. Don't you want your kids to live in a world where nobody has to suffer through winter? Don't you? Sure, we might be cutting the life of our planet in half by doing so, but isn't it worth it?

Thank you. And goodnight.






*This message paid for by the Steve Fucking Hates Walking To Class Foundation*

My life on the C-List

I feel the needs to begin compiling a list of some of the more colorful housing opportunities I have come across on the Los Angeles Craig's List. Favorites so far include:

- A Vegan/Vegetarian house where you grow your own food and must be available on certain days to take part in clinics on creating a sustainable world.

- A "Magikal Hobbit House." Here's the kicker on the hobbit house. It's a decent price for February and March. That would be perfect for me. However, I'm not interested in living in a place described as magikal, even if it does have "plenty of magik knick-knacks to marvel"

- A transitional home that is extremely cheap and even has free wireless internet. The only problem is you need to provide proof that you are a recovering addict.

- A cozy 2 bedroom cottage with an enclosed "cat garden." And guess what...a "cat garden" is exactly what you would imagine it to be. It's a McDonald's Playplace for cats.


I really don't intend on finding a place to stay until I am out there, since I can always stay with my aunt and uncle. Finding listings like these really reinforce that intention. Although the hobbit house is pretty enticing. Could you imagine if I found a magikal hobbit house for vegetarian heroin addicts with cats?

In other news, I'm taking two online classes, which means I only have to take one class in the summer, which is for my minor. Meaning, if I were to get a job offer or some internship opportunity, I could easily drop my minor and still get a degree.

Also:

I forgot to add in my last post...

NBC called me the other day to see if I was interested in an internship in LA.


Holler.

can I GRADUATE!?!?

At this point, it's not entirely surprising that my inability to pass up any opportunity, big or small, usually leads to an inconvenience of sorts. See: Team In Training, Columbia College Chicago, The Walt Disney World College Program, Summer Orientation, declaring a minor in Theatre...etc. It's no secret that if I could just let things be and ride the wave, I'd be done with college by now. I'd have a job. I'd be settled. I'd be looking back fondly.

Unfortunately, I can't just ride the wave. Because another wave comes along and I decide that the other wave looks just a little bit more exciting. So there I go. And it always turns out to be more exciting. And I never regret it. Regret is for people that are afraid to look forward.

But the issue is, every choice I make comes with a bonus repercussion, free of charge. At this point, these little endeavors of mine have caused me to be not only a 5th year super senior, but to still have summer classes to take after that.

Anyway, my point is...will I ever finish school!?!?!? I thought I had it all figured out. Take the last of my classes this semester, complete my minor and my gen eds, walk at Graduation (Navy Pier, suckers! But only this year, so be jealous.), do the One-Hour Drama Semester in LA program over the summer, and be done. It was perfect. My advisor even approved it. But then, I had to go and have dinner with the person in charge of the sitcom class. Now, the sitcom class is only offered in the spring. I had originally ruled it out, since it was not nearly as convenient as the summer program. However, Jack Gilbert made me realize that it's more important for me to do what I want to do (comedy) than do what's easier for me (drama). The sitcom class is right in the middle of pilot season, which is when the TV industry is truly hoppin'. So not only would I be taking this class because it's what I want to do in life, I'm taking it at the best time of the year to be in LA.

So now, I have to go to LA, then come back for three classes in the summer. Oh, and that means moving out of my apartment two months before the lease ends, but still paying rent. Also, I have to talk with my advisor and the chair of the department to see if I can get excused from Independent Producer's Workshop. But that means I would still need three more TV credits to graduate. And that means an internship (LA or Chicago) or taking some crappy summer class about motion graphics or something equally as irrelevant to me. I want to walk. To be honest, it's more important for me to walk at the ceremony than to actually get a diploma. My industry does not require a diploma. I really just want it to hang on the wall behind my desk some day. It will be a great conversation piece. I imagine those conversations to go something like this:


Angelina Jolie: What's that weird framed piece of paper on your wall?
Me: That's my diploma from Columbia College Chicago.
Angelina Jolie: It doesn't look like a diploma. It looks like the front of a menu.
Me: Yeah, it's pretty ugly, but it was important that I get it.
Angelina Jolie: Why? You don't need it.
Me: It has personal value. Go adopt a foreign kid.

This time, you've gone too far

Well, first of all, I'd like to mention that the Disney chapter (Number eleven, for anyone who pays attention...see: Dani) will probably be finished and up by the end of the week. Or, at least part of it will. I'm not sure how many parts Chapter 11 will come in but if Best Buy gets two (and a prologue!) I can't see my experiences at the happiest place on earth fitting neatly into one entry. But who knows.

I've started this new thing where I read before bed. This solves two problems of mine. I never seem to find the time to sit down and read, and also, I have a hard time falling g asleep. Also, reading makes me tired. Ergo, reading before bed has many benefits.

Oh, and also, it turns out that I love running now. I especially love it in the cold. It felt like 19 degrees out, and it was snowing, and it was dark out, but I still ran four miles and it felt great.

Here are some things I need to complain about:

Puff Daddy's Proactiv commercial. "It helps me preserve my sexy." Really, Diddy? You're making MILLIONS of dollars as a rap mogul. Is it really necessary for you to hawk face wash?

Twentyfour-Seven. In case you haven't noticed MTV's formula, as soon as something becomes successful, they scramble to make a half-assed reality show about the same thing. Sometimes it works, (Laguna Beach is clearly inspired by The OC) and sometimes it doesn't. (Remember Surf Girls? No? Remember Blue Crush? Case in point). Now, since Entourage is so popular, producers (or imps from the bowels of Hell, you'll have to check the credits to find out for sure) decided to make a real life version of it. The only difference is that instead of interesting characters with complicated relationships and comic perspectives, they gave us a variable parade of douche bags. How is it that a fiction show has richer characters than a show about real people? I don't know. I'm still puzzling over the hippie guy saying that writing affirmations on his water glass changes the molecules. Yawn.

Dirt. So, once upon a time there was this provocative and intriguing show on FX called Nip/Tuck. It did really well. However, since logistically speaking it was only possible to create just over a dozen episodes per season, FX decided to make a new show that was essentially the same thing as Nip/Tuck only set in the world of tabloid journalism. By "the same thing as Nip/Tuck," I mean lots and lots of dirty sex. The news has been all a twitter with the fact that Courtney Cox has shed her image as Monica from Friends to play a ruthless journalist. Oh, by the way, 10 years ago, when Scream came out, the news was all a twitter over the fact that Courtney Cox had shed her image as Monica from Friends to play a ruthless journalist. Wow Court, way to progress.

Hogan Knows Best. Watching them move into a new house and yell at the Mexican landscapers isn't all that exciting. Watching them learn Spanish is a bore. Watching the daughter record a music video and the son rebel in every way possible because he is jealous of his sister's fame(?) is as intellectually stimulating as popping a can of pringles. However, I continue to watch, hoping each week that this will in fact be the episode where the family learns that the Mom is actually a man. I mean come on, have you SEEN HER???

the run.

It's weird that everything I've been working on for the past four months is over. The entire trip to Disney was incredible. I had an absolutely amazing time. It was the single most rewarding experience of my life, and hopefully I can convince at least one other person to do it next year. (No, not just go to Florida, but raise the money and train. If I can find the time, anyone can.)

So I left Thursday morning. Millie was a saint and offered to drive me to the airport, which was great. Since I find airplanes to be terrifying, it was nice that I didn't have to go to the airport alone. It was also nice considering I didn't have to get up fourteen hours early to take the red line to the blue line. The flight was fine, aside from taking off which is by far the scariest part. We landed in Florida, blah blah blah, took the shuttle to the resort, blah blah blah. Nothing exciting really happened on Thursday. We went to the Athletic Expo at the Wide World of Sports Complex to pick up our chips and bibs and free stuff. I had no idea the Marathon Weekend would include so much swag.

Friday was a big day for me. It was the return to Epcot. Not gonna lie, it was actually pretty emotional. I had a hard time sleeping the night before. It's hard to explain to anyone else how I feel about that place. When you love something so much, but also hate it with every ounce of your being, you develop a strange relationship with it. In a way it was like going back to a house I moved out of, where another family had moved in and made themselves at home. I went on all of the important rides, such as Mission: Space (they put up an umbrella, partly because I got second degree sunburns when I worked there), Test Track, and Soarin', which was being built when I was there. Our Team in Training Pasta Party was at Epcot also. That was an experience in itself. I guess I never really thought of where the money was going to as I raised it. Yeah, I knew I was raising money for Leukemia & Lymphoma to run a half marathon at Disney, but I never really gave it much thought. Being there and seeing first-hand the difference that we can make and seeing the stories of people whose lives have been affected by blood cancers made it all real. It was so inspiring to be among these heroes who have gone through so much, and are so grateful for what you're doing. In fact, the entrance to the party was lined with cheering fans. It was incredible. I will never, ever, forget that.

Speaking of unforgettable, the half marathon was on Saturday, Now, since the starting time was at 6 am, and the bus came to get us at 3, I had to get up at 2 am. That's not an easy time to get up. Nearly impossible, actually. You go to bed at 2 am, or you wake up to go to the bathroom at 2 am. But you don't get up to run 13 miles at 2 am. Man's body was not made for that. The race was extremely crowded. I wanted to finish in 2 hours and 6 minutes, in order to beat my cousin's time, but having a fast pace at the Disney Marathon is next to impossible. It was just as crowded as walking through the actual parks would be. Then, once we got to Magic Kingdom, and I ran into Donald, I knew that I'd regret taking my time to enjoy it all. So, I finished in 2 hours and 26 minutes. That's a pace of eleven minutes per mile. Not bad, considering how many times I stopped for pictures. Now, people told me that endurance events can be quite addictive. Now I know why. The feeling you get when you're running through a cheering crowd is like nothing else. Adding to that is the fact that I was part of TNT, and there were a lot of people who would call out my name and some words of encouragement. I can't wait to do a full marathon, now. I wish I could participate in Team in Training again, but I need a break from the fundraising. I've thought about doing the Chicago marathon, but I don't have any interest in it, to be honest. I'd much rather go to San Diego. If I do, this means I'll start training again in a few weeks. Better relax as much before then.

After the run, I went to Magic Kingdom with my parents. Now, as if the getting up at 2 am and running a half marathon weren't exhausting enough, walking around the park until 9 am sure took its toll on me. I had a great time and was glad to have some fun with my parents, but by the end of the day I was dead. I walked into the hotel room and literally laid on the bed and passed the fuck out.

Sunday was Animal Kingdom. Not much to say, really, except that Expedition Everest, which was being built when I was in the program, is phenomenal, and totally worth waiting four hours for your fast pass to take effect. I didn't have time for MGM, which is sad because that used to be my favorite, but I had more stuff to do at the other parks, and something had to be cut. After DAK (abbreviation that we Cast Members would use. Neat, huh?) I went to the Team in Training Victory Celebration. From there I went to Epcot, because I was NOT, I repeat NOT, leaving Orlando without seeing Illuminations.

On Monday I slept in a little bit (meaning I got up at 9) and then packed up. Disney had this great feature called Disney Magical Express. They not only take you from the airport to the hotel, they also take you back at the end of your trip. And they take your luggage for you and print your boarding pass so you don't have to stand in line at the airport. With the extra bit of time, I met up with the parents and we went to Downtown Disney for a little bit of souvenir shopping. Their flight was two hours before mine so they dropped me back off at the hotel and we said our goodbyes.

I got back to Chicago and Ashley, Baggy, Dave, and Dangles all came to pick me up at the airport. It was good to see everyone and to be back in Chicago, but it was also sad that such an amazing and memorable weekend, which I had worked so hard for, had come to an end.

I'm DEFINITELY doing the fundraising and going back next year. And I'm DEFINITELY doing the full marathon instead of the half. I actually kind of regret not doing the full to begin with, but it was a long hard semester and I'm not sure I could have pushed myself any further than I already did. As I said, I'm going to try to convince others to do it with me this time. The feeling you get when you're running through the park, being cheered on by complete strangers screaming your name, all while knowing that you helped make a difference in people's lives...it's totally worth the four months of hard work.

Better than GI Joe?

Today at work, Millie was choking really badly, and I had to give her the heimlich maneuver. True story. I'm a real American hero.

Marathon weekend blog later.

I leave for Florida tomorrow morning. The run is on Saturday, so I have a few days of relaxing in the sun (it's supposed to be in the 80's this weekend, that alone makes all of this training worth it). I still need to pack, and, more importantly, make a good playlist for my iPod. I am anticipating this run to be a challenge, but not extremely hard because...

1. I've done all the training.
2. It will be warm weather, I'm used to biting cold and wind.
3. I don't have to wear a hat, gloves, two shirts, and a million pairs of pants when I do it.
4. It's only a half marathon.

I hate flying. I should also make that clear. I am terrified of flying. Yes. Terrified. I hate it.

I'm excited to go back to Disney. Problem is, I have three partial days to do everything. Fortunately, I worked there for almost a year, so I know what to see and what to skip. Living With the Land Boat Ride? Yeah, I'll pass, thanks. Test Track? You know it.

Today is pretty much the last day of my break. After Florida, there's spring orientation, and then I go back to work in the office. Well, it was a good break, and life will still be far less stressful than it was this past semester, so I can't complain.

Things to do today:
1. Pack
2. Make a good playlist
3. Go get gatorade and pretzels (carbs and salt)
4. Read the rest if my preparation guide.
5. Run (only 30 minutes though)
6. Hang out for a bit.
7. Go to bed early.

Have A Happy New Year, Jesus Take The Wheel!

Sooo...New Year's. That sure was something else. It was a "PTFO some time after 4 and sleep until 1:30 to avoid a hangover but you still kind of have one anyway" kind of else.

The night started at Jenny and Abbi's place for gift exchange. I had drawn Zach's name, and he drew mine, and the bastard didn't show up, so I didn't get to trade presents yet, but the night was still fantastic. Since I just got a new camera after the last one's disaster in the car door, I think I'll include some pictures so you can see what a great photog I am.

We played drinking games for a while. Loaded Questions is the most fun game in the world, but playing it without the board with seventy-four people on New Year's Eve is not the most desirable of circumstances. Throwing Smartee's (or as IDIOT DANI CALLS THEM...SWEET TARTS!!! IDIOT GIRL!) into Ashley's cleavage was another popular parlor game. Then, we had apparently had enough alcohol in our system to do what we always do when we drink. Take an enormous amount of weird pictures...


Then it was midnight and the champagne was flowing, the poppers were popping, and the sparklers were...sparkling. The champagne was sparkling too, so try not to get those confused, alright? Jenny, Dani, and I went through about a dozen sparklers trying to take good sparkler pictures, this is the best I got for each of us. (Mine sucks) Jenny kind of looks like she's in a Harry Potter movie. EXPELIARMUS!

Then, a few of us wanted to go to Bacci, which was closed. However, I didn't truly become a shit show until we were on the train. Much like Halloween and the "I didn't know you were coming tonight!" debacle, everyone who I walked by, got a jolly "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" from me. Everyone. Everywhere. In front of the closed Bacci, on the train platform, on the train. After a while, when that started to get stale, I started telling people that Dani and I just got married. One girl even took a picture of us on her camera phone. She's probably looking at it right now wondering who the fuck we are. Then I started saying "Jesus take the wheel!" to everyone. Or "Happy New Year, Jesus take the wheel!" or "I just got married! Jesus take the wheel! Happy New Year!"

When I got home, the glass on the front door of our building was broken, and I let some shady guy in who was looking for his girlfriend. Well, that broken glass should have been an indication of some sort, but I was drunk and wanted to be helpful. I then took the opportunity to introduce myself to my upstairs neighbors who were walking their dog. Seemed like a good time for that, right? Shadester asked if he could use my phone, I said I didn't have one. Both of my neighbors said they didn't have phones either, and all three of us were secretly hoping to God that our phones didn't ring and expose our lies. Then the cops came about some disturbance that may or may not have been linked to the shady guy who I let into the building. Despite my better judgment (which had actually went on vacation several hours earlier) I stood in my open doorway and watched the entire event unfold.

And now it's 2007.