I got bit by the culinary bug tonight and decided to make something fancy. I decided on pasta because it's both easy and satisfying. Also, when you have a pot boiling on the stove, you really feel like you're accomplishing something. It seemed like fun to try something new, so I made shells in a white cheddar sauce, because not only is my palette constantly seeking exotic new tastes, but it was also the only kind of Pasta Roni I had left.
The Pasta Roni box has a large red banner across it that reads "Now Better Tasting!"
I just don't feel that this is a good way to entice buyers to try your product. I mean, my first thought when I read the box was "Oh God, this must have really tasted like shit before if their major selling point is that it no longer tastes like it used to." Then I wondered how this decision came about. Does Pasta Roni have tasting labs? And if so, where are they? I can assure you they are not in Italy because the term "Pasta Roni" is by and large an inexcusable assault on the Italian language.
But most importantly, do you think some jackass actually got a raise for coming up with such a million dollar idea?
President of Pasta Roni: We need to increase sales! Any ideas?
Bob: Soccer tournaments?
Lance: Istanbul?
Peter: Make it taste better?
President of Pasta Roni: GENIUS!!!
Now Peter is sitting in his corner office, sending his kids to expensive private school where they learn to ride horses, and cheating on his wife with his sultry new secretary which he thinks is really exotic because she's Hispanic but really she's from Boise and just tans a lot, all because he had the innovative and cutting-edge idea to make Pasta Roni taste better. And this is just the beginning! Thanks to Peter's intuition, other companies are following suit!
-Ford Motor Company has announced plans to make cars better.
-McDonalds is currently researching methods of making milkshakes taste milkshakier.
-Harold's Chicken Shack will soon begin removing all feathers from the product before deep frying and serving it.
So remember, friends. When life seems tough, and you feel like there's no way out. Before you go reaching for some deadly mixture of opiates and COX-2 inhibitors, think of Peter.
...Then swallow the pills.
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3 comments:
I just made an oatmeal cake this morning and it was fantastic! I think white cheddar is a little scary.
It doesn't even insinuate that it tastes GOOD yet! If it tasted like shit before, then better isn't a very far stones throw. Maybe it just tastes like slightly less shitty shit. As a consumer, I don't know! Maybe they should be saying "New! Best taste yet!" Or something. I dunno. Can I get a corner office now? Or maybe just the sultry secretary?
I like grilled cheese with white cheddar.
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