Sleep apnea
Diane Keaton
Rollover minutes
Is Carrie Underwood Republican?
Parking Lot Pimpin' lyrics
Shiloh book
Snoopy
Golden Globes
Book about sex addicts at camp
Did Martin Luther King Jr. invent red Kool-Aid
That's technology hard at work, I'd say. Long live the Nintendo Generation!
Scrubs is on. Scruuuubbbbsss!!!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
Toss it in the rubbish
Every time I write something on here, I end up deleting it 5 minutes later.
"I'm not using internet or blogging until I get back to Chicago"
-Too false
"Extreme Home Makeover uses you by playing off of your sentementality. They are not actually doing as good of things as you think. They just make you believe that they are."
-Too controversial
"My brother gets his car and cell phone paid for while I have 16 dollars to my name but have to be responsible for my own bills."
-Too whiney
So who knows. This might be deleted as soon as it's posted, just like the rest.
I think I'm ready for break to be over. I'm excited for all of my classes. I get to make my own projects (no partners!) in Production & Editing 2. I get to perform my final scene in front of an audience (you can come too!) in Scene Study. I get to do a lot of writing about my life (it sucks! I need drugs!) in Aesthetics & Storytelling 2. And neighbor Robby is in my Critical Studies class. My biggest worry is that I will be skipping Body Movement on account of it being an hour and a half and, well, body movement class.
I have 5 hour gaps in between my classes most days. Most people hate that. They like to get class over and done with. I don't mind it too much. Hey, I'm living on campus this semester and usually need a nap after class anyway. No complaints here.
I'm also glad that my internship is over. Although I worry now that I didn't do my best. That I didn't make as many connections as I could have and that in the long run I didn't get anything out of working at Springer. But then I think, "well, at least it will look good on a resume," and I stop caring. My Mondays and Fridays will no longer be taken up by getting BLT's and soda for trailer trash. Now the BLT's and soda are all for Steve!
Soda? Yeah, I know. It's pop. Pop pop pop.
Pop goes the weasel.
Hop on pop.
Dirty pop.
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.
So...yeah.
I got nothing.
"I'm not using internet or blogging until I get back to Chicago"
-Too false
"Extreme Home Makeover uses you by playing off of your sentementality. They are not actually doing as good of things as you think. They just make you believe that they are."
-Too controversial
"My brother gets his car and cell phone paid for while I have 16 dollars to my name but have to be responsible for my own bills."
-Too whiney
So who knows. This might be deleted as soon as it's posted, just like the rest.
I think I'm ready for break to be over. I'm excited for all of my classes. I get to make my own projects (no partners!) in Production & Editing 2. I get to perform my final scene in front of an audience (you can come too!) in Scene Study. I get to do a lot of writing about my life (it sucks! I need drugs!) in Aesthetics & Storytelling 2. And neighbor Robby is in my Critical Studies class. My biggest worry is that I will be skipping Body Movement on account of it being an hour and a half and, well, body movement class.
I have 5 hour gaps in between my classes most days. Most people hate that. They like to get class over and done with. I don't mind it too much. Hey, I'm living on campus this semester and usually need a nap after class anyway. No complaints here.
I'm also glad that my internship is over. Although I worry now that I didn't do my best. That I didn't make as many connections as I could have and that in the long run I didn't get anything out of working at Springer. But then I think, "well, at least it will look good on a resume," and I stop caring. My Mondays and Fridays will no longer be taken up by getting BLT's and soda for trailer trash. Now the BLT's and soda are all for Steve!
Soda? Yeah, I know. It's pop. Pop pop pop.
Pop goes the weasel.
Hop on pop.
Dirty pop.
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.
So...yeah.
I got nothing.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Chester Cheetah is Crying Somewhere
Walking home from work today, we passed a homeless man with a large open bag of Cheetos.
"That's my favorite homeless man," Maggie told me as we approached him. Before I had a chance to ask why, the man dumped the entire bag of Cheetos on the ground. And you should know, the bag was pretty much full. Mind you, he was not trying to feed birds or animals or anything. He just walked up to a fence and gingerly dumped all the Cheetos out. Why would a homeless man sprinkle the sidewalk with Cheetos?
"He wasn't hungry. He didn't want the rest," you might say. But if that's what you are saying, then you have obviously missed the part where I said he's homeless. Furthermore, there were two other homeless men standing not three feet away from him, who probably would have gladly eaten them. My only guess is that he thought by dumping the Cheetos he was in fact planting a Cheeto Tree, which would in turn produce even more Cheetos. Guess we'll find out come Spring.
If that wasn't enough for one day, there was a naked man off the Belmont stop. Completely naked, in front of the turnstiles, shouting at people.
"They took my shirt! It could happen to you!"
People are crazy.
*UPDATE*
Whoever Patty is, she's an idiot. Probably a lesbian with a name like Patty. And by the fact that her link was www.disney.com I'd have to assume she collects snowglobes, has bad teeth, and loves unicorns. Oh. And she probably writes fiction. So be sure to check her out...
"That's my favorite homeless man," Maggie told me as we approached him. Before I had a chance to ask why, the man dumped the entire bag of Cheetos on the ground. And you should know, the bag was pretty much full. Mind you, he was not trying to feed birds or animals or anything. He just walked up to a fence and gingerly dumped all the Cheetos out. Why would a homeless man sprinkle the sidewalk with Cheetos?
"He wasn't hungry. He didn't want the rest," you might say. But if that's what you are saying, then you have obviously missed the part where I said he's homeless. Furthermore, there were two other homeless men standing not three feet away from him, who probably would have gladly eaten them. My only guess is that he thought by dumping the Cheetos he was in fact planting a Cheeto Tree, which would in turn produce even more Cheetos. Guess we'll find out come Spring.
If that wasn't enough for one day, there was a naked man off the Belmont stop. Completely naked, in front of the turnstiles, shouting at people.
"They took my shirt! It could happen to you!"
People are crazy.
*UPDATE*
Whoever Patty is, she's an idiot. Probably a lesbian with a name like Patty. And by the fact that her link was www.disney.com I'd have to assume she collects snowglobes, has bad teeth, and loves unicorns. Oh. And she probably writes fiction. So be sure to check her out...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Orientation Liar
We have student panels with the parents at Orientation, where they get a chance to ask us some "candid" questions. Sometimes, when I finish talking, I feel really good because I answered the parents question and they clearly appreciate it. Other times, I feel bad because it was just a flat out lie. Such is the case when I am asked:
"Do you get enough sleep?"
"Is money ever an issue?"
"Do you eat well?"
"Do you eat at all?"
"Do you ever regret transferring?"
"Was changing schools easy?"
"Do you feel confident that you will get a job when you graduate?"
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
They're dropping all this money to send their kids to school, so who am I to piss on the parade?
Ozzie Guillen Jr. is going to Columbia now and had his session today. I guess that's exciting. I heard he had a real attitude though. Orientation is no place for attitude.
The lunches have been alright. The sandwiches are good but the cookies and other snacks has been an issue. In the summer we always had good cookies and decent chips. Sometimes there were DOOR COUNTY chips, which taste like heaven and peanut oil. However, this time around we get the reject snacks. Goldfish? I guess that's alright. But Pretzels? PRETZELS? Where are the Doritos? No one wants PRETZELS we want CHIPS! Orientation is no place for pretzels. And the cookie situation. Used to be nice chocolate chip and sugar cookies. Now? Fig Newtons. Lorna Doone's if we're lucky.
"Do you get enough sleep?"
"Is money ever an issue?"
"Do you eat well?"
"Do you eat at all?"
"Do you ever regret transferring?"
"Was changing schools easy?"
"Do you feel confident that you will get a job when you graduate?"
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
They're dropping all this money to send their kids to school, so who am I to piss on the parade?
Ozzie Guillen Jr. is going to Columbia now and had his session today. I guess that's exciting. I heard he had a real attitude though. Orientation is no place for attitude.
The lunches have been alright. The sandwiches are good but the cookies and other snacks has been an issue. In the summer we always had good cookies and decent chips. Sometimes there were DOOR COUNTY chips, which taste like heaven and peanut oil. However, this time around we get the reject snacks. Goldfish? I guess that's alright. But Pretzels? PRETZELS? Where are the Doritos? No one wants PRETZELS we want CHIPS! Orientation is no place for pretzels. And the cookie situation. Used to be nice chocolate chip and sugar cookies. Now? Fig Newtons. Lorna Doone's if we're lucky.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
Chapter 4: Part One: Turn Off The Fun
Hurricane Steve blew through Old Navy faster than you can say "Clothing Return Policy." You'll see as the chapters go on, however, that 3 months at one job is not terribly uncharacteristic. It's not that I can't hold a job, though. You should realize that. I don't get fired from these places, and I certainly don't go quitting them because I'm a flake. No. There are always extenuating circumstances. Circumstances such as people sucking and the job being stupid. Stuff like that. I always have a good reason. A professional reason.
So, round 2 of that fucking Best Buy automated phone interview. I'm ready for you, this time, sucker. I learned your secrets. I know how you operate. Stealing is bad. Hard work is good. Tardiness is bad. Suggestive selling is good.
PAUSE!
If you ever want a job really bad, and it has to do with selling something, selling anything. Selling phones, cabbage, rottweilers, or children. All you have to do is mention the words "suggestive selling" in the interview and the job is pretty much yours. Managers eat that shit up. "How about a side of cole slaw with that halibut?" "These jeans are nice, maybe a belt to go with it?" What managers don't understand, however, is that suggestive selling usually makes you look like a desperate jerk.
"Purchasing the new Carrie Underwood CD? You should also take a look at our neoprene laptop sleeves!"
In any case, managers love the idea of suggestive selling and will pretty much father the children of any employee who engages in it.
RESUME.
Long story short, I got the job at Best Buy. As if the phone interview wasn't enough of a nuisance, the drug test wasn't exactly walking on sunshine either. Ever take a drug test? Of course you have. Your mom knows you smoke pot and is convinced you've got a meth lab in the basement. You buy piss from the neighbor kids because yours still isn't clean. I really don't think there's anything more uncomfortable than handing some strange woman a cup of your own pee. What are you supposed to say to her? Do you laugh? Is it funny? I mean, yeah, it's funny AFTER the fact. Hilarious story to tell your friends. Especially if you bump into the door on the way out and accidently spill over the side of the cup that you are handing off. But it's not funny at the time. So what is the proper etiquette for giving them your pee? Do you say thank you? Why would you? You aren't grateful. You are giving them a urine sample, why would you be grateful? Do you make a joke? You know they've probably heard every sort of joke about the situation already. And you know there are some tactless bastards out there who have the balls to say "Oh man, I wouldn't want your job! Haha!" The same assholes who would say that to me when I was cleaning up puke at Disney World. "You got the fun job, huh?" Yeah, fuck you.
Slightly off topic maybe, but still relevant.
I was called a Media & Merchandise Specialist. That was my official title. However, I think "store bitch" would have been just as effective. I was under the impression I would be in charge of CDs and movies. Not a bad deal. Then I found out I was also responsible for video and computer games. I can handle that too. Then I found out I was also going to have to put out merchandise. What's merchandise, you ask?
EVERYTHING.
If you can pick it up, it's merchandise. And I had to walk around carrying basket upon basket filled with crap. Cables, plugs, batteries, CDRs, ink cartridges, candy, phones, answering machines, walkmans, portable CD players, headphones, carrying cases, you name it. And this wasn't something you do in the afternoon. No, this was a morning job. A 6 o'clock in the morning job. Luckily I had school so I could only come in at 6 on Sundays, which, incidentally was the worst day of the week. Shipments came in and ads needed to be set. It sucked really bad. Especially since aside from a select few people, the Media & Merch team was a bunch of rejects. I ended up getting out of Sunday morning shifts. I don't know if I volunteered or they asked me to come in later or if I lied and said I had church, but I was the official closer instead. I came in and worked 12-6, which, in my opinion, is way better than 6-12.
I didn't really give 100 percent at Best Buy. I did at first. When I liked it. Oh man I was so excited to work at Best Buy. But being treated like vermin for so long, eventually you stop caring about putting for as much effort. For instance, the day after Thanksgiving, or, as it is known in the retail world, Black Friday. I was not scheduled, but Stan (I fucking hated Stan) asked me to come in at 6 am. So I did. Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave though. At about 10:30, the store was absolute chaos. The line for the registers weaved in and out through every CD aisle, and wrapped around the entire store. People were rude and hostile. I had enough, so I decided that it was time to bounce. I didn't ask if I could, I just left. Hell, Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave, nor did he ask me how long I could stay. Can't get in trouble for that. And since I wasn't on the schedule, the clock out computer didn't give me trouble at all.
You see, you couldn't clock out of a shift at Best Buy until the exact time, to the minute, that you were scheduled to leave. If you got off early or had to leave sick, you needed a managers authorization. I had my ways around it though.
Steve: Hey Sherry, I'm leaving early, so I need you to authorize me to clock out.
Sherry: Who else is in your department?
Steve: Tim is there. And Mike said I could leave early.
(Tim was not there. No one else was there, not even Mike. And if he was, he wouldn't have let me leave early.)
Sherry: OK. Have a good night.
I never got in trouble for that. I'm pretty sure upper management forgot who I was on a day to day basis. By the time they realized they were screwed over, they forgot who did it. They weren't concerned with me or my affairs.
My treasured anonymity did not last forever, however. This was because of Nick. After Nick's antics which I was framed for, I became Best Buy's Public Enemy Number 1.
...to be continued
So, round 2 of that fucking Best Buy automated phone interview. I'm ready for you, this time, sucker. I learned your secrets. I know how you operate. Stealing is bad. Hard work is good. Tardiness is bad. Suggestive selling is good.
PAUSE!
If you ever want a job really bad, and it has to do with selling something, selling anything. Selling phones, cabbage, rottweilers, or children. All you have to do is mention the words "suggestive selling" in the interview and the job is pretty much yours. Managers eat that shit up. "How about a side of cole slaw with that halibut?" "These jeans are nice, maybe a belt to go with it?" What managers don't understand, however, is that suggestive selling usually makes you look like a desperate jerk.
"Purchasing the new Carrie Underwood CD? You should also take a look at our neoprene laptop sleeves!"
In any case, managers love the idea of suggestive selling and will pretty much father the children of any employee who engages in it.
RESUME.
Long story short, I got the job at Best Buy. As if the phone interview wasn't enough of a nuisance, the drug test wasn't exactly walking on sunshine either. Ever take a drug test? Of course you have. Your mom knows you smoke pot and is convinced you've got a meth lab in the basement. You buy piss from the neighbor kids because yours still isn't clean. I really don't think there's anything more uncomfortable than handing some strange woman a cup of your own pee. What are you supposed to say to her? Do you laugh? Is it funny? I mean, yeah, it's funny AFTER the fact. Hilarious story to tell your friends. Especially if you bump into the door on the way out and accidently spill over the side of the cup that you are handing off. But it's not funny at the time. So what is the proper etiquette for giving them your pee? Do you say thank you? Why would you? You aren't grateful. You are giving them a urine sample, why would you be grateful? Do you make a joke? You know they've probably heard every sort of joke about the situation already. And you know there are some tactless bastards out there who have the balls to say "Oh man, I wouldn't want your job! Haha!" The same assholes who would say that to me when I was cleaning up puke at Disney World. "You got the fun job, huh?" Yeah, fuck you.
Slightly off topic maybe, but still relevant.
I was called a Media & Merchandise Specialist. That was my official title. However, I think "store bitch" would have been just as effective. I was under the impression I would be in charge of CDs and movies. Not a bad deal. Then I found out I was also responsible for video and computer games. I can handle that too. Then I found out I was also going to have to put out merchandise. What's merchandise, you ask?
EVERYTHING.
If you can pick it up, it's merchandise. And I had to walk around carrying basket upon basket filled with crap. Cables, plugs, batteries, CDRs, ink cartridges, candy, phones, answering machines, walkmans, portable CD players, headphones, carrying cases, you name it. And this wasn't something you do in the afternoon. No, this was a morning job. A 6 o'clock in the morning job. Luckily I had school so I could only come in at 6 on Sundays, which, incidentally was the worst day of the week. Shipments came in and ads needed to be set. It sucked really bad. Especially since aside from a select few people, the Media & Merch team was a bunch of rejects. I ended up getting out of Sunday morning shifts. I don't know if I volunteered or they asked me to come in later or if I lied and said I had church, but I was the official closer instead. I came in and worked 12-6, which, in my opinion, is way better than 6-12.
I didn't really give 100 percent at Best Buy. I did at first. When I liked it. Oh man I was so excited to work at Best Buy. But being treated like vermin for so long, eventually you stop caring about putting for as much effort. For instance, the day after Thanksgiving, or, as it is known in the retail world, Black Friday. I was not scheduled, but Stan (I fucking hated Stan) asked me to come in at 6 am. So I did. Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave though. At about 10:30, the store was absolute chaos. The line for the registers weaved in and out through every CD aisle, and wrapped around the entire store. People were rude and hostile. I had enough, so I decided that it was time to bounce. I didn't ask if I could, I just left. Hell, Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave, nor did he ask me how long I could stay. Can't get in trouble for that. And since I wasn't on the schedule, the clock out computer didn't give me trouble at all.
You see, you couldn't clock out of a shift at Best Buy until the exact time, to the minute, that you were scheduled to leave. If you got off early or had to leave sick, you needed a managers authorization. I had my ways around it though.
Steve: Hey Sherry, I'm leaving early, so I need you to authorize me to clock out.
Sherry: Who else is in your department?
Steve: Tim is there. And Mike said I could leave early.
(Tim was not there. No one else was there, not even Mike. And if he was, he wouldn't have let me leave early.)
Sherry: OK. Have a good night.
I never got in trouble for that. I'm pretty sure upper management forgot who I was on a day to day basis. By the time they realized they were screwed over, they forgot who did it. They weren't concerned with me or my affairs.
My treasured anonymity did not last forever, however. This was because of Nick. After Nick's antics which I was framed for, I became Best Buy's Public Enemy Number 1.
...to be continued
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Post Nasal Drip is a Drag
Ever notice how in cartoons like Tom & Jerry when they get sick they sneeze? They go outside in the cold and come in and sneeze. Why is that? No one sneezes when they get a cold. Cartoons such as Tom & Jerry have always been such an accurate depiction of reality that I find it hard to believe that the animators would do something so strange.
Speaking of sick, I caught myself a nice bout of something. I think I might be getting better though. I probably would have recovered by now if I hadn't gone to the bar to say happy birthday to Maggie on Friday. My quick trip to Tantrum just for a quick birthday greeting ended at 5:30 am when I stumbled home from Maggie's place after 3 hours of drinking and Karaoke Revolution on Playstation. That probably didn't help the immune system all that much.
Last night I needed to keep it low key so I stayed in. Good thing I did! Now I'm a part of something SPECTACULAR in the UC. My lips are sealed.
I'm at the point in sickness where my voice sounds like I'm dying and I keep blowing my nose because it is producing an infinite amount of snot. It's never-ending.
Speaking of sick, I caught myself a nice bout of something. I think I might be getting better though. I probably would have recovered by now if I hadn't gone to the bar to say happy birthday to Maggie on Friday. My quick trip to Tantrum just for a quick birthday greeting ended at 5:30 am when I stumbled home from Maggie's place after 3 hours of drinking and Karaoke Revolution on Playstation. That probably didn't help the immune system all that much.
Last night I needed to keep it low key so I stayed in. Good thing I did! Now I'm a part of something SPECTACULAR in the UC. My lips are sealed.
I'm at the point in sickness where my voice sounds like I'm dying and I keep blowing my nose because it is producing an infinite amount of snot. It's never-ending.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
We put the OL in LOL
There is nothing in the world better than having nothing to do. And that's pretty much how things will be around here until the 23rd. It feels so good. Of course, there is a little thing called WORK that I have to do for part of it, but seeing as how this "work" is actually Spring Orientation, I'm not too worried.
Super stoked to hang out with the orientation leader crew once more. We are ridiculous when all of us are together. The thing is, I personally think that we are really really cool people, but it dawned on me that perhaps we are not cool at all. Perhaps we are huge losers. I mean...Orientation Leaders? Dorks!
Whatever, I love getting wasted with all the other dorks.
Highlights of Summer Orientation:
Referring to the caterer from Connie's Pizza as "Connie" and learning all of her life story. (Favorite tv show: Buffy. Dated the other Connie's worker (Ariel aka CONNOR) but broke up with him)
Looking forward every day to eating the same boxed lunches. Kim especially enjoyed this, as she LOVES ham sandwiches. Loves them. She calls them Hammy Sammies and could eat them all day if you let her.
Orientation Leader gatherings after hours. Maggie ate bologna off the floor and Jacob went psycho crazy and ate everything and anything. In our second adventure, Maggie took the bag from a box of wine, put it in her purse, and named it Super Tati. We shared stories about salad bars, mandarin oranges, and bringing home the bacon.
Living in a frat house but no one ever came to it. You had to take Metra and it was a pain.
Making shit up and pretending its true. "Be sure to say Happy Birthday to Rhett!"
THE STORY OF JACOB AND THE COOKIES, FREEZE POPS, CARROTS, VEGETABLE DIP, RICE, AND SYRUP:
Jacob was a little bit out of it. He seemed to have worked up quite an appetite from all of the nights festivities. First, we found him laying on the kitchen floor with his head halfway under the sink, eating uncooked rice, straight from the bag. Then we had freeze pops. Jacob was now on his computer and Kim and I came in to see if he wanted a freeze pop. He said "Yes. But only pink or green." Before he even finished this sentence, he had ripped the BLUE freeze pop right out of Kim's mouth and was now indulging himself. After this, we decided to make cookies. We finally got the cookie dough roll open, and what dough Jacob did not eat, we made cookies with. Finally, the cookies were done. Jacob was quite excited for the cookies, but they were kind of stuck to the pan. No worry, though. He grabbed the kitchen shears and scraped all of the cookies into one big pile of sugar cookie mush. He put it all on a plate, and then it was time for the toppings. First, he added syrup. "It's just like Eggo Waffles," he explained. After the syrup, he pulled out the vegetable dip we were using for the carrots and put a big handful of veggie dip on the cookies and syrup. It looked...delicious. He ate every bite.
Super stoked to hang out with the orientation leader crew once more. We are ridiculous when all of us are together. The thing is, I personally think that we are really really cool people, but it dawned on me that perhaps we are not cool at all. Perhaps we are huge losers. I mean...Orientation Leaders? Dorks!
Whatever, I love getting wasted with all the other dorks.
Highlights of Summer Orientation:
Referring to the caterer from Connie's Pizza as "Connie" and learning all of her life story. (Favorite tv show: Buffy. Dated the other Connie's worker (Ariel aka CONNOR) but broke up with him)
Looking forward every day to eating the same boxed lunches. Kim especially enjoyed this, as she LOVES ham sandwiches. Loves them. She calls them Hammy Sammies and could eat them all day if you let her.
Orientation Leader gatherings after hours. Maggie ate bologna off the floor and Jacob went psycho crazy and ate everything and anything. In our second adventure, Maggie took the bag from a box of wine, put it in her purse, and named it Super Tati. We shared stories about salad bars, mandarin oranges, and bringing home the bacon.
Living in a frat house but no one ever came to it. You had to take Metra and it was a pain.
Making shit up and pretending its true. "Be sure to say Happy Birthday to Rhett!"
THE STORY OF JACOB AND THE COOKIES, FREEZE POPS, CARROTS, VEGETABLE DIP, RICE, AND SYRUP:
Jacob was a little bit out of it. He seemed to have worked up quite an appetite from all of the nights festivities. First, we found him laying on the kitchen floor with his head halfway under the sink, eating uncooked rice, straight from the bag. Then we had freeze pops. Jacob was now on his computer and Kim and I came in to see if he wanted a freeze pop. He said "Yes. But only pink or green." Before he even finished this sentence, he had ripped the BLUE freeze pop right out of Kim's mouth and was now indulging himself. After this, we decided to make cookies. We finally got the cookie dough roll open, and what dough Jacob did not eat, we made cookies with. Finally, the cookies were done. Jacob was quite excited for the cookies, but they were kind of stuck to the pan. No worry, though. He grabbed the kitchen shears and scraped all of the cookies into one big pile of sugar cookie mush. He put it all on a plate, and then it was time for the toppings. First, he added syrup. "It's just like Eggo Waffles," he explained. After the syrup, he pulled out the vegetable dip we were using for the carrots and put a big handful of veggie dip on the cookies and syrup. It looked...delicious. He ate every bite.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Less than 48 hours after I make my New Year's resolution to have a better attitude, I find myself not wanting to do anything but sit alone in my room. Way to be counterproductive, I'd say. The money situation isn't helping. Well I guess I don't really have a situation. I have no money. So with no money, there's not a situation to have.
I have a book called "Painless Grammar" and I like to read it for enjoyment. I can't explain why. Now I know, when to uses commas and that apostrophe's show ownership.
I have a book called "Painless Grammar" and I like to read it for enjoyment. I can't explain why. Now I know, when to uses commas and that apostrophe's show ownership.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
iiiiiiiiiiiiii never do this
I'm Porkchop!
Most dogs can fetch and roll over. But Doug's dog Porkchop tap dances, plays chess and does a mean impression of Doug. Porkchop lives in an igloo-shaped dog house, complete with a satellite dish and a modest art collection. He even has his own mailbox. Even though Porkchop loves to clown around, he's fiercely loyal to Doug. When Doug faces off with Roger Klotz, Porkchop stands right beside him. (Bio borrowed from Bluffington)
Which of Nickelodeon's Doug characters are you?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Chapter 2.5: A little bit of back story
I quit Old Navy under the false pretense that I was too busy at school to have a job. About three weeks later, I started at Best Buy. But this, however, was not the first time I tried working at Best Buy. I give you....
Chapter 2.5
I quit Red Robin and needed a new job. I applied at a bunch of places, such as Old Navy. But the place I would have really liked to work at was Best Buy. Now, at Best Buy, you don't just walk in and hand over an application. Oh God no. Can you imagine! Someone having to sit down and go through applications to see who is qualified? There's no time for that at Best Buy! They have electronics and appliances to be selling at almost factory-direct prices! Certainly, a different, more technologically advanced screening process is needed. Are you ready for it?
The automated phone interview.
Press 1 if the answer is "yes"
Press 2 if the answer is "no"
Sounds easy enough. I hate talking on the phone to strangers and a phone interview would be even worse, but going through this with a prerecorded voice would be just fine.
So I'm listening to the questions, hitting the 1's and 2's. "Are you over the age of 16?" 1! "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" 2! It was going just fine. But then the questions got...questionable.
"If an employee is caught stealing less than a dollar, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"
Ok, in retrospect, I should have thought this through more carefully. Yes, in real life, outside of work, I, Steve Szlaga, would ABSOLUTELY forgive something like that. I am a forgiving person. So yes. Yes I believe that this incident is not punishable by termination. 1. Yes. 1.
But what I should have realized, and now, 12 jobs later, would never forget, is that companies are not people. They are companies. They don't care about you. They don't care if you are broke. They don't care about your uncle Ernie. To them, there is NO excuse for stealing even a penny. Yeah, makes sense. But this is before I became the professional part time employee that I am today. So the answer, of course, should have been 2. No. Fire that bastard who stole 2 dimes and a quarter. Put them in the stocks and throw rocks at them. Hang them if need be.
Then the next question. "If a person steals less than 10 dollars, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"
Well there's nothing to blame but my own stupidity for this one. I mean, I said "yes" to stealing before. I 1'd that other question! I have to stick with it now! What would they think if I keep going all over the board! Stealing good! No...stealing bad! So I said yes. Yes steal more money!
At the end of the interview the automated voice said...
"We're sorry, but you do not meet the requirements for employees that we are looking for."
Probably because they thought I was fucking Charles Boles or something. But after that, it said...
"Please do not participate in this interview until records are erased in 90 days."
So...this was just a practice run. Now I knew the questions better. I could do it right this time. It's like the ACT's. You're allowed to retake as much as you want. Just wait a few months.
But a few weeks later, Old Navy called me with an offer I should have refused. But not to worry. Best Buy would happen soon enough. And let's just say, this little phone interview was only the beginning of my supposed "delinquency" at that place. I was a marked man...
Chapter 2.5
I quit Red Robin and needed a new job. I applied at a bunch of places, such as Old Navy. But the place I would have really liked to work at was Best Buy. Now, at Best Buy, you don't just walk in and hand over an application. Oh God no. Can you imagine! Someone having to sit down and go through applications to see who is qualified? There's no time for that at Best Buy! They have electronics and appliances to be selling at almost factory-direct prices! Certainly, a different, more technologically advanced screening process is needed. Are you ready for it?
The automated phone interview.
Press 1 if the answer is "yes"
Press 2 if the answer is "no"
Sounds easy enough. I hate talking on the phone to strangers and a phone interview would be even worse, but going through this with a prerecorded voice would be just fine.
So I'm listening to the questions, hitting the 1's and 2's. "Are you over the age of 16?" 1! "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" 2! It was going just fine. But then the questions got...questionable.
"If an employee is caught stealing less than a dollar, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"
Ok, in retrospect, I should have thought this through more carefully. Yes, in real life, outside of work, I, Steve Szlaga, would ABSOLUTELY forgive something like that. I am a forgiving person. So yes. Yes I believe that this incident is not punishable by termination. 1. Yes. 1.
But what I should have realized, and now, 12 jobs later, would never forget, is that companies are not people. They are companies. They don't care about you. They don't care if you are broke. They don't care about your uncle Ernie. To them, there is NO excuse for stealing even a penny. Yeah, makes sense. But this is before I became the professional part time employee that I am today. So the answer, of course, should have been 2. No. Fire that bastard who stole 2 dimes and a quarter. Put them in the stocks and throw rocks at them. Hang them if need be.
Then the next question. "If a person steals less than 10 dollars, but confesses and returns the money, should they be given a second chance?"
Well there's nothing to blame but my own stupidity for this one. I mean, I said "yes" to stealing before. I 1'd that other question! I have to stick with it now! What would they think if I keep going all over the board! Stealing good! No...stealing bad! So I said yes. Yes steal more money!
At the end of the interview the automated voice said...
"We're sorry, but you do not meet the requirements for employees that we are looking for."
Probably because they thought I was fucking Charles Boles or something. But after that, it said...
"Please do not participate in this interview until records are erased in 90 days."
So...this was just a practice run. Now I knew the questions better. I could do it right this time. It's like the ACT's. You're allowed to retake as much as you want. Just wait a few months.
But a few weeks later, Old Navy called me with an offer I should have refused. But not to worry. Best Buy would happen soon enough. And let's just say, this little phone interview was only the beginning of my supposed "delinquency" at that place. I was a marked man...
Monday, December 26, 2005
Moose & Squirrel
Christmas was good.
Break is good.
I sleep way too much and I can't help it. I try to get up but...I just can't. Not having anything to get up and do makes it entirely impossible to get up at all. It might be my bed. Or my room in general. It could be...but I have a sneaking suspision that the real reason that I sleep so much is because I stay up late doing stupid things like writing in my blog or watching Roseanne on Nick At Nite.
Remember when I Love Lucy and Happy Days were on Nick At Nite? What happened to that. Then it was Cheers and Three's Company and stuff like that. I could handle that. Even Wings, that was alright with me. But Fresh Prince and Full House? Now, I'm not denying that these shows are indeed as classic as they come, but they don't really go with what Nick At Nite stands for. If I remember watching the show, it is too recent to be on Nick At Night. In fact, anything that was on TV when I stopped crapping my pants is too recent to be on Nick At Nite.
So today was the big day to return Christmas gifts. How appropriate is that? From Thanksgiving to Christmas Day people go INSANE crowding malls and bum rushing the stores to shop for gifts. Then, they give them. Then, they are all returned. But every year people lose their shit over Christmas shopping. But we can't just give everyone gift card, can we? Hell no. I won't give gift cards. There's no thought in that. I don't want to be thoughtless. Getting a gift card is thoughtless. You might as well just forget my birthday and spill grape juice on my floor. Same basic principle.
Especially now that you can buy any Gift Card at 7-11 or Walreens.
Merry Christmas, I got you a 10 dollar gift card to Barnes & Noble. I completely didn't feel like going out and getting you anything but I went to Walgreens to buy bed sore cream and vitamin c tablets and though "aw, what the hell"
Annnnyway
If I'm not sleeping, I'm most likely still laying in bed, either watching Arrested Development or Rocky & Bullwinkle. I freaking love Rocky & Bullwinkle. You may not know that. Go to Universal Studios with me and you'd find out. Do you even KNOW what a Hush-A-Bomb is? You should. It sickens me that you don't.
Last week along with Alicia and Jared I hung out with Tim Kava, Matt Loper, Cody Surles, Christina Hagan, and Keighty McLallen. It was kind of surreal. I don't think I've seen any of them besides Christina (who, incidentally, HAS gone to Universal Studios with me. And no, I did not go on Dueling Dragons. You got Tower of Terror so be satisfied with that. And say Hi to your cousins for me) in like 5 years. And surprise surprise, all we talked about was....HIGH SCHOOL. It was inevitable. Poor Jared had know idea what or who we were talking about. Maybe it's better that way.
So...I'll write Chapter 4 tomorrow. I'm on 4 right? Best Buy, yeah that's 4. I need to get a move on. I still have 11 more to go...
Break is good.
I sleep way too much and I can't help it. I try to get up but...I just can't. Not having anything to get up and do makes it entirely impossible to get up at all. It might be my bed. Or my room in general. It could be...but I have a sneaking suspision that the real reason that I sleep so much is because I stay up late doing stupid things like writing in my blog or watching Roseanne on Nick At Nite.
Remember when I Love Lucy and Happy Days were on Nick At Nite? What happened to that. Then it was Cheers and Three's Company and stuff like that. I could handle that. Even Wings, that was alright with me. But Fresh Prince and Full House? Now, I'm not denying that these shows are indeed as classic as they come, but they don't really go with what Nick At Nite stands for. If I remember watching the show, it is too recent to be on Nick At Night. In fact, anything that was on TV when I stopped crapping my pants is too recent to be on Nick At Nite.
So today was the big day to return Christmas gifts. How appropriate is that? From Thanksgiving to Christmas Day people go INSANE crowding malls and bum rushing the stores to shop for gifts. Then, they give them. Then, they are all returned. But every year people lose their shit over Christmas shopping. But we can't just give everyone gift card, can we? Hell no. I won't give gift cards. There's no thought in that. I don't want to be thoughtless. Getting a gift card is thoughtless. You might as well just forget my birthday and spill grape juice on my floor. Same basic principle.
Especially now that you can buy any Gift Card at 7-11 or Walreens.
Merry Christmas, I got you a 10 dollar gift card to Barnes & Noble. I completely didn't feel like going out and getting you anything but I went to Walgreens to buy bed sore cream and vitamin c tablets and though "aw, what the hell"
Annnnyway
If I'm not sleeping, I'm most likely still laying in bed, either watching Arrested Development or Rocky & Bullwinkle. I freaking love Rocky & Bullwinkle. You may not know that. Go to Universal Studios with me and you'd find out. Do you even KNOW what a Hush-A-Bomb is? You should. It sickens me that you don't.
Last week along with Alicia and Jared I hung out with Tim Kava, Matt Loper, Cody Surles, Christina Hagan, and Keighty McLallen. It was kind of surreal. I don't think I've seen any of them besides Christina (who, incidentally, HAS gone to Universal Studios with me. And no, I did not go on Dueling Dragons. You got Tower of Terror so be satisfied with that. And say Hi to your cousins for me) in like 5 years. And surprise surprise, all we talked about was....HIGH SCHOOL. It was inevitable. Poor Jared had know idea what or who we were talking about. Maybe it's better that way.
So...I'll write Chapter 4 tomorrow. I'm on 4 right? Best Buy, yeah that's 4. I need to get a move on. I still have 11 more to go...
Friday, December 23, 2005
Disconnected
I went to Old Navy today. The Old Navy I used to work at. (See Chapter 3)
There was a girl working at the counter that I recognized. I recognized her because I went to High School with her. Also, she worked there when I was there. That was the summer of 2000. 5 years ago. I mean, I guess that's no big deal. 5 years at the same place. Good for you, I say. Same with Eric. He started at Best Buy around the same time as me. Which, as a matter of fact, was shortly after I quit Old Navy.
My point is. For me, that was forever ago. A lifetime. And I'm kind of jealous of that girl at Old Navy. And of Eric. Ever since High School, nothing in my life seems to last. It took me three years in High School to find something for me to do. Something I was good at. That was acting. But it seemed like in the blink of an eye, I was graduating. I finally found something. I finally belonged somewhere. I was no longer sitting at a different lunch table every day. I was a part of something. And I was proud of it. Then, it was over. Graduation. On to Western.
Goodbye Novi.
Western was great. But I'm not even going to start talking about my times there. I think everyone who knows me is pretty sick of hearing about WMU.
Then, I moved to Florida.
Goodbye Western.
Then, I moved to Chicago.
Goodbye Disney.
In a few years, I'll be graduating, and most likely moving again.
Goodbye Chicago.
I don't regret anything I've done with my life. I am incredibly lucky to have had the experiences and friendships I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. But I do get jealous of the people who have stayed put. Or those who graduated, went to school, and stayed there. They have their two worlds. Home and College. They have constants in their lives. I don't. My life, my memories, my friendships, my everything....it's all over the place.
Hey, remember when we did this? Oh wait, that wasn't you. It was my friend who was the equivalent of you before I moved here.
Haha, this reminds me of the time that we...oh wait. That wasn't us. That was somewhere else. With someone else. Someone that you replaced.
A good friend recently told me I need to learn to let things go. I don't think they understand how many things I've had to let go of already.
So, this semester's end makes it official. I have been at Columbia just as long as I was at Western. And longer than I was in Florida. So why don't I feel settled? Why do I feel I can never really connect with people here? Is it because I know that I'll be leaving them, just as I did everyone else? Or is it because I've already done this...had these friends...did these things...said these words...played these games....in another place and time? I've met some incredible people in Chicago, and the last thing I want to do is refer to them as "replacements." Because they aren't. They aren't replacements. They aren't substitutes. They're...something new. And different.
Right???
Yes. They are. I know they are. Comparing them to the people of my past doesn't do them justice. Nor does it do justice to the people of my past. I guess all I can do is consider myself lucky to have a life so chuck full of so many crazy, amazing, hilarious, tragic, inspiring, influential friends, from all over the place.
There was a girl working at the counter that I recognized. I recognized her because I went to High School with her. Also, she worked there when I was there. That was the summer of 2000. 5 years ago. I mean, I guess that's no big deal. 5 years at the same place. Good for you, I say. Same with Eric. He started at Best Buy around the same time as me. Which, as a matter of fact, was shortly after I quit Old Navy.
My point is. For me, that was forever ago. A lifetime. And I'm kind of jealous of that girl at Old Navy. And of Eric. Ever since High School, nothing in my life seems to last. It took me three years in High School to find something for me to do. Something I was good at. That was acting. But it seemed like in the blink of an eye, I was graduating. I finally found something. I finally belonged somewhere. I was no longer sitting at a different lunch table every day. I was a part of something. And I was proud of it. Then, it was over. Graduation. On to Western.
Goodbye Novi.
Western was great. But I'm not even going to start talking about my times there. I think everyone who knows me is pretty sick of hearing about WMU.
Then, I moved to Florida.
Goodbye Western.
Then, I moved to Chicago.
Goodbye Disney.
In a few years, I'll be graduating, and most likely moving again.
Goodbye Chicago.
I don't regret anything I've done with my life. I am incredibly lucky to have had the experiences and friendships I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. But I do get jealous of the people who have stayed put. Or those who graduated, went to school, and stayed there. They have their two worlds. Home and College. They have constants in their lives. I don't. My life, my memories, my friendships, my everything....it's all over the place.
Hey, remember when we did this? Oh wait, that wasn't you. It was my friend who was the equivalent of you before I moved here.
Haha, this reminds me of the time that we...oh wait. That wasn't us. That was somewhere else. With someone else. Someone that you replaced.
A good friend recently told me I need to learn to let things go. I don't think they understand how many things I've had to let go of already.
So, this semester's end makes it official. I have been at Columbia just as long as I was at Western. And longer than I was in Florida. So why don't I feel settled? Why do I feel I can never really connect with people here? Is it because I know that I'll be leaving them, just as I did everyone else? Or is it because I've already done this...had these friends...did these things...said these words...played these games....in another place and time? I've met some incredible people in Chicago, and the last thing I want to do is refer to them as "replacements." Because they aren't. They aren't replacements. They aren't substitutes. They're...something new. And different.
Right???
Yes. They are. I know they are. Comparing them to the people of my past doesn't do them justice. Nor does it do justice to the people of my past. I guess all I can do is consider myself lucky to have a life so chuck full of so many crazy, amazing, hilarious, tragic, inspiring, influential friends, from all over the place.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Chuggin along
I’m on the train right now. Thank god for laptops. I am currently getting my ass kicked at solitaire, while Sudoku is handing Ashley her ass on a silver platter. Our train had to stop for freight traffic for a while. A long while. Luckily we are moving again and should hopefully be back to Detroit in time for Christmas, although keep in mind that Amtrak did not make that guarantee. I hate the word “guarantee.” It is fucking impossible to deal with. GUARANTEE. I spelled it wrong three times before I finally asked spell-check. Screw you Microsoft Works, I’ll figure it out on my own. Even more irony…I spelled “spell-check” wrong. There is a hyphen in between the two words. It is not one word. It is not, what you may recall from second grade, a compound word. Like butterfly or applebottom. Stupid AutoCorrect keeps separating Apple and Bottom into two separate words. Shame on you. What would Nelly say? These are not problems that I encounter when I am updating my blog with regular internet access. SCREW YOU MICROSOFT WORKS “BLOG” IS A WORD. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT. Webster’s even recognizes it as a word. Well. I don’t know. But I bet they do.
Anyway, train. So Amtrak messed up Ashley’s ticket which was not cool. But we still got on the train. We almost didn’t get to sit together but these really nice old foreign people switched over so we could. They have eaten twice since we left Chicago. Healthy appetites over there. The man took a nap and when he woke up he asked me to go get him coffee from the dining car. I obliged. I felt I owed it to him since he DID switch seats for us. But he didn’t tip me.
Oh, and Scott Myers is on the train too. What’s a train ride without Scott!
These weekend was filled to the brim with Christmas miracles. The first being our drive by the Home Alone house. No. I mean we drove by it. I don’t mean we were part of a drive-by in front of it. That’s morbid. The house looks just like it did in the movie, only the statue that the pizza man knocks over is no longer there. We ate at the Panera that used to be the super market where Maculy Culkin buys the toothbrush. I’m surprised Winnetca doesn’t have a more thriving tourist industry.
Yesterday Dave and Matt came back to Chicago and we went with Ashley, Jill, and Jess to see….JERRY SPRINGER. My internship is over and I spent my first free Monday in 3 months doing what? Going to see the damn show. It was a scene. I got us on the VIP list so we were in the very front row where all the action was. I got to sit next to a security guard and Jill got to sit next to Steve, who, by the way, doesn’t do anything. Got plenty of views of disgusting boobs and hairy backs and butt crack. Talk about Christmas cheer! Everyone had a good time.
And that’s that. Once we get to Ann Arbor we are going to Ashley’s sister’s Birthday Party, then Novi, HERE I COME!
Anyway, train. So Amtrak messed up Ashley’s ticket which was not cool. But we still got on the train. We almost didn’t get to sit together but these really nice old foreign people switched over so we could. They have eaten twice since we left Chicago. Healthy appetites over there. The man took a nap and when he woke up he asked me to go get him coffee from the dining car. I obliged. I felt I owed it to him since he DID switch seats for us. But he didn’t tip me.
Oh, and Scott Myers is on the train too. What’s a train ride without Scott!
These weekend was filled to the brim with Christmas miracles. The first being our drive by the Home Alone house. No. I mean we drove by it. I don’t mean we were part of a drive-by in front of it. That’s morbid. The house looks just like it did in the movie, only the statue that the pizza man knocks over is no longer there. We ate at the Panera that used to be the super market where Maculy Culkin buys the toothbrush. I’m surprised Winnetca doesn’t have a more thriving tourist industry.
Yesterday Dave and Matt came back to Chicago and we went with Ashley, Jill, and Jess to see….JERRY SPRINGER. My internship is over and I spent my first free Monday in 3 months doing what? Going to see the damn show. It was a scene. I got us on the VIP list so we were in the very front row where all the action was. I got to sit next to a security guard and Jill got to sit next to Steve, who, by the way, doesn’t do anything. Got plenty of views of disgusting boobs and hairy backs and butt crack. Talk about Christmas cheer! Everyone had a good time.
And that’s that. Once we get to Ann Arbor we are going to Ashley’s sister’s Birthday Party, then Novi, HERE I COME!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The Devil and Bratz dolls
I'm done with everything. No more crew. No more internship. No more classes. It feels so nice. Last night I went out with Becky. We went to dinner and had some good mexican food and margaritas, then went and saw a show at Steppenwolf. The show was weird and I don't think I understood it at all. But it was nice to be out and doing stuff in the city. And Becky is a great date.
Friday night we went out to a party in Logan Square. All of us got thoroughly toasted before heading home. I'm glad I got really drunk because the party was pretty much all guys and girls that looked like guys. But it was, in fact, a party. There was, in fact, a keg. I was, in fact, with my good friends. And school, in fact, was over. So it was all, in fact, good.
Then in the morning we got up and Matt, Dave, and I exchanged presents. Matt was acting like a 4 year old on Christmas morning, jumping all over the furniture and squealing. Dave said we should make him open his presents last. I said we should have gotten him clothes.
Matt got me Arrested Development Season 2, which will definitely be coming in handy on the train rides home. Having a laptop makes the train rides so much more tolerable. I mean, I still fall asleep for about 94 percent of the trip, but it's nice to be entertained for the other 20 minutes. I got Matt a Coca-Cola Poker Set. Now we can have Poker Nights.
Dave got me the Post Secret book. Way to go Dave. We were at Chicago Comics and I picked it up and told Dave about how much I like the website, so he ended up getting me the book. It's really good. There's some quality secrets in there, such as "I masturbate to pictures of old Civil War soldiers" and "I steal old library cards. Obsessively" I should get a coffee table so I can put it on there. It's a coffee table book. Wait, I think we do have a coffee table. But we use it as a foot rest. I got Dave Justice League Mad Libs and a book called "How To Survive A Robot Uprising." It seemed to suit him.
After that we went and got some Chipotle and to Target so that Matt and I could buy the rest of the presents for our Santa Letters. The Post Office has this program where kids and parents in need write to Santa and then volunteers come and pick up letters and buy what they ask for. I had a boy who wanted race cars and a girl that wanted a Bratz doll. So that's what I got them.
Have you ever seen a Bratz doll? Holy shit, man. Those things are scary. Let me explain.
A Bratz doll has lips that take up about 1/3 of their face, eyes that look like they were transplanted from a cat, and a waist that is smaller than their neck. They also have long stylish hair that is at least 14 different colors. They look like demon women. Succubi! I think Bratz dolls are in fact Succubi! (google "Succubi" if you have to) I think that these dollz are indeed the teenage daughterz of Satan himself.
The Bratz girlz seem to have a lot of interests. The first and foremost being FASHION! Of course. Aside from that, the Bratz enjoy dressing up as cowgirls and riding their Wild West Ponyz, camping out in their ultra stylish tents and hiking couture, playing sportz, dressing up to impress the Bratz Boyz, and also, singing in their totally awesome band, Rock Angelz.
What's weird is...these dolls are hot, hot shit. It was a circus trying to find the right one that my little girl wanted. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Yasmin
I think I had a nightmare last night that an army of Bratz slashed my anklez and then dragged me into a fiery pit where I was eaten by a dog with three headz.
But hey, the little girl really wanted it, and I'm glad that I can help make someone's Christmas a little brighter. Best part is she has no idea this is even coming to her.
"And that's why presents are so great. It's a great way to show someone how much you care. It's a way of saying "Hey, I love you...this many dollars worth"
-The Office
Friday night we went out to a party in Logan Square. All of us got thoroughly toasted before heading home. I'm glad I got really drunk because the party was pretty much all guys and girls that looked like guys. But it was, in fact, a party. There was, in fact, a keg. I was, in fact, with my good friends. And school, in fact, was over. So it was all, in fact, good.
Then in the morning we got up and Matt, Dave, and I exchanged presents. Matt was acting like a 4 year old on Christmas morning, jumping all over the furniture and squealing. Dave said we should make him open his presents last. I said we should have gotten him clothes.
Matt got me Arrested Development Season 2, which will definitely be coming in handy on the train rides home. Having a laptop makes the train rides so much more tolerable. I mean, I still fall asleep for about 94 percent of the trip, but it's nice to be entertained for the other 20 minutes. I got Matt a Coca-Cola Poker Set. Now we can have Poker Nights.
Dave got me the Post Secret book. Way to go Dave. We were at Chicago Comics and I picked it up and told Dave about how much I like the website, so he ended up getting me the book. It's really good. There's some quality secrets in there, such as "I masturbate to pictures of old Civil War soldiers" and "I steal old library cards. Obsessively" I should get a coffee table so I can put it on there. It's a coffee table book. Wait, I think we do have a coffee table. But we use it as a foot rest. I got Dave Justice League Mad Libs and a book called "How To Survive A Robot Uprising." It seemed to suit him.
After that we went and got some Chipotle and to Target so that Matt and I could buy the rest of the presents for our Santa Letters. The Post Office has this program where kids and parents in need write to Santa and then volunteers come and pick up letters and buy what they ask for. I had a boy who wanted race cars and a girl that wanted a Bratz doll. So that's what I got them.
Have you ever seen a Bratz doll? Holy shit, man. Those things are scary. Let me explain.
A Bratz doll has lips that take up about 1/3 of their face, eyes that look like they were transplanted from a cat, and a waist that is smaller than their neck. They also have long stylish hair that is at least 14 different colors. They look like demon women. Succubi! I think Bratz dolls are in fact Succubi! (google "Succubi" if you have to) I think that these dollz are indeed the teenage daughterz of Satan himself.
The Bratz girlz seem to have a lot of interests. The first and foremost being FASHION! Of course. Aside from that, the Bratz enjoy dressing up as cowgirls and riding their Wild West Ponyz, camping out in their ultra stylish tents and hiking couture, playing sportz, dressing up to impress the Bratz Boyz, and also, singing in their totally awesome band, Rock Angelz.
What's weird is...these dolls are hot, hot shit. It was a circus trying to find the right one that my little girl wanted. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Yasmin
I think I had a nightmare last night that an army of Bratz slashed my anklez and then dragged me into a fiery pit where I was eaten by a dog with three headz.
But hey, the little girl really wanted it, and I'm glad that I can help make someone's Christmas a little brighter. Best part is she has no idea this is even coming to her.
"And that's why presents are so great. It's a great way to show someone how much you care. It's a way of saying "Hey, I love you...this many dollars worth"
-The Office
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Season finale
Yesterday was my last taping day at Springer. And I got the best going away present I could ask for. A midget!!! Well I guess it wasn't really a present. They didn't GIVE him to me. He's not mine to keep or anything. Although I'm sure I could have shoved him in my backpack and run off. But I do have to go back on Sunday and they probably wouldn't be all that happy with me. Plus where would I keep him? What would I feed him?
His name was Domenic and he was fantastic. Apparently he had a small part on an episode of The Sopranos. I don't know anything about that, but I do know he was absolutely enthralled by Tyra Banks' talk show. You could tell he watches it frequently also, because he was very well educated in the world of Tyra. He knew all about the different segments such as the one where Tyra's mom gives generic advice to teenage girls about relationships. He didn't want pop. He wanted juice. Which is only funny because he was a midget. Otherwise I wouldn't have snickered when I saw. During the show he stripped down to his underwear and climbed the stripper pole.
I'll miss that show.
My TV Show in class got voted "Best Presentation" and "Most Likely To Be Picked Up By A Network" and tied for "Best Marketing" So I was quite excited about that.
A declared a minor in Acting today.
And I sold my books back. Well. I sold one book back. They would only give me 5 for the other so I kept it. I paid 50 dollars for the book I did sell. I got 11 dollars back. I just don't get it. Why do they screw me over like that. I'd like to think there was some rational business reason for it. But I know it's just some bureaucratic bullshit and the man is trying to squeeze every last penny out of my broke ass. I'd like to do some research and find out what really goes down with the book buyback bull. I'll call Dateline. Diane Sawyer's got that shit on lock I bet.
Do you ever wonder about pharmacies? I do. I marvel at them. I am in awe whenever I am at one. It's just so much to comprehend. They have everything. All the different things you might need a prescription for and all of the different drugs for it. It's all there. It seems so small to carry so much. Even obscure ailments like excessive underarm sweating and feminine odor itching have cures and remedies, all stocked up at your local pharmacy. How do they do it? How do they have so much stuff? So many different pills.
I'm getting sick. I'm at that "I can tell I'm going to get sick" stage where you are supposed to take the Airborne. I was going to buy some today but I didn't have enough money. Had I got more money for selling my textbooks I could have afforded Airborne, and I wouldn't get sick. Now I'll probably get pneumonia and most likely die because eFollett only wanted to give me 5 dollars for "From Concept to Screen."
His name was Domenic and he was fantastic. Apparently he had a small part on an episode of The Sopranos. I don't know anything about that, but I do know he was absolutely enthralled by Tyra Banks' talk show. You could tell he watches it frequently also, because he was very well educated in the world of Tyra. He knew all about the different segments such as the one where Tyra's mom gives generic advice to teenage girls about relationships. He didn't want pop. He wanted juice. Which is only funny because he was a midget. Otherwise I wouldn't have snickered when I saw. During the show he stripped down to his underwear and climbed the stripper pole.
I'll miss that show.
My TV Show in class got voted "Best Presentation" and "Most Likely To Be Picked Up By A Network" and tied for "Best Marketing" So I was quite excited about that.
A declared a minor in Acting today.
And I sold my books back. Well. I sold one book back. They would only give me 5 for the other so I kept it. I paid 50 dollars for the book I did sell. I got 11 dollars back. I just don't get it. Why do they screw me over like that. I'd like to think there was some rational business reason for it. But I know it's just some bureaucratic bullshit and the man is trying to squeeze every last penny out of my broke ass. I'd like to do some research and find out what really goes down with the book buyback bull. I'll call Dateline. Diane Sawyer's got that shit on lock I bet.
Do you ever wonder about pharmacies? I do. I marvel at them. I am in awe whenever I am at one. It's just so much to comprehend. They have everything. All the different things you might need a prescription for and all of the different drugs for it. It's all there. It seems so small to carry so much. Even obscure ailments like excessive underarm sweating and feminine odor itching have cures and remedies, all stocked up at your local pharmacy. How do they do it? How do they have so much stuff? So many different pills.
I'm getting sick. I'm at that "I can tell I'm going to get sick" stage where you are supposed to take the Airborne. I was going to buy some today but I didn't have enough money. Had I got more money for selling my textbooks I could have afforded Airborne, and I wouldn't get sick. Now I'll probably get pneumonia and most likely die because eFollett only wanted to give me 5 dollars for "From Concept to Screen."
Monday, December 12, 2005
twenty oh five out
So I guess you go through your old posts and copy and paste the first sentence of each month to make your "year in review" Let's try.
January:
New Years Eve Highlights- Tequila in the bathroom, Alcoholic energy drinks, "Watch out, the floor is salty"
February:
I love television
March:
A lot of people replied to my last post and gave me advice. I deleted it.
April:
Thought I ran into you down on the street
May:
Well, it's about time I wrote about this weekend. Quite possibly (not really, more like indefinitely) the best weekend I have had in a long time.
June:
Yeah I'm still alive.
July:
Ok well I'm in Chicago for part of the summer.
August:
Soooo wake up Sunday morning, I put on a bathing suit and T-Shirt, with plans to go in the Millenium Park fountain (with the kids faces) if it ever gets too hot.
September:
I didn't go to bed on Saturday. And I was still drunk at noon.
October:
A year ago this weekend I went to Indiana where Kara and I ate White Castle and drove around.
November:
I barely had any friends in Florida.
December:
Last week I rearranged my room.
Was 2005 really that boring?
January:
New Years Eve Highlights- Tequila in the bathroom, Alcoholic energy drinks, "Watch out, the floor is salty"
February:
I love television
March:
A lot of people replied to my last post and gave me advice. I deleted it.
April:
Thought I ran into you down on the street
May:
Well, it's about time I wrote about this weekend. Quite possibly (not really, more like indefinitely) the best weekend I have had in a long time.
June:
Yeah I'm still alive.
July:
Ok well I'm in Chicago for part of the summer.
August:
Soooo wake up Sunday morning, I put on a bathing suit and T-Shirt, with plans to go in the Millenium Park fountain (with the kids faces) if it ever gets too hot.
September:
I didn't go to bed on Saturday. And I was still drunk at noon.
October:
A year ago this weekend I went to Indiana where Kara and I ate White Castle and drove around.
November:
I barely had any friends in Florida.
December:
Last week I rearranged my room.
Was 2005 really that boring?
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Life with no parole
You'll probably think I'm a loser for writing an entire post about a TV show. But at this point I feel I have to.
A few weeks ago, Fox pretty much cancelled Arrested Development. Here's the story.
A normal season of a sitcom is 22 episodes. After all of the drama and debate about whether or not Arrested Development would be picked up again, it indeed was.
HOWEVER. We were told it was picked up for 22 episodes. Wrong. Ohhh...how naive I was, as a TV major, to even believe that a show with such bad ratings was actually picked up for a full season.
As with most "questionable" shows (see: Reunion) Arrested Development was indeed only signed for 13 episodes. It was never picked up for a full season. Just for 13 episodes. And trust me, with the ratings it's been recieving, we are lucky we actually got the entire 13. Fox decided (with somewhat good reason, and I'll get to that) to pass on ordering the "back 9." Thus, shortening the season to 13 episodes. Thus, cancelling the series.
So who do we blame? Do we blame the network? Those bastards! Cancelling a show as good as this! I'm sorry, but no. We really can't. The thing is....Arrested Development's ratings have been terrible. Ever since it first started, they have been declining. It actually set a record for the least watched show to win a Best Comedy Emmy. Yes. After the show won a fucking EMMY for being THE BEST COMEDY ON TELEVISION...less people watched it.
So blame goes to you, America. Yes. Keep devouring your trite and bland shows like America's Next Top Model, The OC, and Yes, Dear. Apparently you weren't ready. You didn't need a show as inspired as AD. You didn't want to invest your time and commitement to something. You wanted mental junk food. You wanted something you could sit in front of, enjoy, and shit out 10 minutes later. You weren't willing to give something a chance that required dedication.
Which brings me to this. You people that flat out say, "I did not like Arrested Development. It was not good."
How many episodes did you watch, straight through? Why did you decide that this show was not worth your time?
As I suspected. You probably didn't make it through an entire episode. Not once. And why? Oh. That answer is simple. Because Arrested Development is smarter than you. You thought it was weird. It didn't make sense. Because you, my friend, are what we call a passive viewer. You have can't dedicate yourself to anything. You can't truly invest yourself or your time.
That is why I do not blame Fox for this travesty. For what critics UNANIMOUSLY consider one of the best programs ever, being cancelled. Fox made the right business move. They cancelled a show that was doing poorly.
Because you wouldn't watch it. Because you didn't get it.
Idiot.
I hate you.
A few weeks ago, Fox pretty much cancelled Arrested Development. Here's the story.
A normal season of a sitcom is 22 episodes. After all of the drama and debate about whether or not Arrested Development would be picked up again, it indeed was.
HOWEVER. We were told it was picked up for 22 episodes. Wrong. Ohhh...how naive I was, as a TV major, to even believe that a show with such bad ratings was actually picked up for a full season.
As with most "questionable" shows (see: Reunion) Arrested Development was indeed only signed for 13 episodes. It was never picked up for a full season. Just for 13 episodes. And trust me, with the ratings it's been recieving, we are lucky we actually got the entire 13. Fox decided (with somewhat good reason, and I'll get to that) to pass on ordering the "back 9." Thus, shortening the season to 13 episodes. Thus, cancelling the series.
So who do we blame? Do we blame the network? Those bastards! Cancelling a show as good as this! I'm sorry, but no. We really can't. The thing is....Arrested Development's ratings have been terrible. Ever since it first started, they have been declining. It actually set a record for the least watched show to win a Best Comedy Emmy. Yes. After the show won a fucking EMMY for being THE BEST COMEDY ON TELEVISION...less people watched it.
So blame goes to you, America. Yes. Keep devouring your trite and bland shows like America's Next Top Model, The OC, and Yes, Dear. Apparently you weren't ready. You didn't need a show as inspired as AD. You didn't want to invest your time and commitement to something. You wanted mental junk food. You wanted something you could sit in front of, enjoy, and shit out 10 minutes later. You weren't willing to give something a chance that required dedication.
Which brings me to this. You people that flat out say, "I did not like Arrested Development. It was not good."
How many episodes did you watch, straight through? Why did you decide that this show was not worth your time?
As I suspected. You probably didn't make it through an entire episode. Not once. And why? Oh. That answer is simple. Because Arrested Development is smarter than you. You thought it was weird. It didn't make sense. Because you, my friend, are what we call a passive viewer. You have can't dedicate yourself to anything. You can't truly invest yourself or your time.
That is why I do not blame Fox for this travesty. For what critics UNANIMOUSLY consider one of the best programs ever, being cancelled. Fox made the right business move. They cancelled a show that was doing poorly.
Because you wouldn't watch it. Because you didn't get it.
Idiot.
I hate you.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Fatty McButterpants!
Today was one of those days.
We finally have a PA and a Production Intern again, so I'm doing a lot less work than I was on past shows. Actually, my responsibilities now include...absolutely nothing. Looking busy until someone tells me to do something.
There was a guy on the show today. His name was Joe. I hate him. I hate him because he's fat. I'm not lying. I do. I really do. And I'm not lying. It's because he's large. First, Joe refused to try on pants because he could "tell just by looking at them" that they would be too small. Then he refused to try on any shirt because "his neck wouldn't fit." Sure enough, the first shirt I brought him that he refused to try on fit perfectly. But that's not why I hate his fatness. This is why.
15 minutes before the show is about to start, it is all of the sudden decided that Joe MUST wear a belt. Now, none of our belts fit him, as they were bought to go around the waists of average people. Now those roughly 9 times larger than Nebraska. So guess who has to run out and find a giant belt in 15 minutes? Of course. Me. Bottom of the Totem Pole.
While I'm frantically running in and out of Walgreen's, Payless, Hugo Boss, Nordstrom, Gap, and Marshall's, it occurs to me. I am freezing my ass off and running as fast as I can. Why? Because this man is too large for any belt I can find. Because this man is fat, I am suffering. There's irony in this too. I am getting a physical workout, because this man is overweight. Funny. And when I get back, of course the largest belt I could find doesn't work. And what does this guy do? He laughs at me. Haha you're so stupid because you couldn't find a belt large enough for me at 6 different stores, including one that has a designated "Big and Tall" section. So I hate him.
I've also been doing some things for Steve too. Security guard Steve. The bald one. You know who I'm talking about.
Last week I had to run to Walgreen's and back and get him two gallons of distilled water. Ummm if you're so big and buff and in need of distilled water, why don't YOU go running with two gallon jugs? Then today I went to go pick up his dinner at P.J. Clark's. When I brought it to him he told me I looked like I was 15. Ok...
The best part was when I was asked to sign his autograph for the pictures that the guests of the show get. That's right. Every guest of the show goes home with an autographed picture of Jerry and one of Steve. And guess what. Today's guests have my autograph. Neat.
In life outside of Springer, things are good. I've gotten out of my bi-monthly slump. Expect a happy and content Steve until January, at least. I can't make any garauntees but I think with the Holidays and stuff coming up I can pull it off. Ho Ho Ho!
We finally have a PA and a Production Intern again, so I'm doing a lot less work than I was on past shows. Actually, my responsibilities now include...absolutely nothing. Looking busy until someone tells me to do something.
There was a guy on the show today. His name was Joe. I hate him. I hate him because he's fat. I'm not lying. I do. I really do. And I'm not lying. It's because he's large. First, Joe refused to try on pants because he could "tell just by looking at them" that they would be too small. Then he refused to try on any shirt because "his neck wouldn't fit." Sure enough, the first shirt I brought him that he refused to try on fit perfectly. But that's not why I hate his fatness. This is why.
15 minutes before the show is about to start, it is all of the sudden decided that Joe MUST wear a belt. Now, none of our belts fit him, as they were bought to go around the waists of average people. Now those roughly 9 times larger than Nebraska. So guess who has to run out and find a giant belt in 15 minutes? Of course. Me. Bottom of the Totem Pole.
While I'm frantically running in and out of Walgreen's, Payless, Hugo Boss, Nordstrom, Gap, and Marshall's, it occurs to me. I am freezing my ass off and running as fast as I can. Why? Because this man is too large for any belt I can find. Because this man is fat, I am suffering. There's irony in this too. I am getting a physical workout, because this man is overweight. Funny. And when I get back, of course the largest belt I could find doesn't work. And what does this guy do? He laughs at me. Haha you're so stupid because you couldn't find a belt large enough for me at 6 different stores, including one that has a designated "Big and Tall" section. So I hate him.
I've also been doing some things for Steve too. Security guard Steve. The bald one. You know who I'm talking about.
Last week I had to run to Walgreen's and back and get him two gallons of distilled water. Ummm if you're so big and buff and in need of distilled water, why don't YOU go running with two gallon jugs? Then today I went to go pick up his dinner at P.J. Clark's. When I brought it to him he told me I looked like I was 15. Ok...
The best part was when I was asked to sign his autograph for the pictures that the guests of the show get. That's right. Every guest of the show goes home with an autographed picture of Jerry and one of Steve. And guess what. Today's guests have my autograph. Neat.
In life outside of Springer, things are good. I've gotten out of my bi-monthly slump. Expect a happy and content Steve until January, at least. I can't make any garauntees but I think with the Holidays and stuff coming up I can pull it off. Ho Ho Ho!
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