Chapter 4: Part One: Turn Off The Fun

Hurricane Steve blew through Old Navy faster than you can say "Clothing Return Policy." You'll see as the chapters go on, however, that 3 months at one job is not terribly uncharacteristic. It's not that I can't hold a job, though. You should realize that. I don't get fired from these places, and I certainly don't go quitting them because I'm a flake. No. There are always extenuating circumstances. Circumstances such as people sucking and the job being stupid. Stuff like that. I always have a good reason. A professional reason.

So, round 2 of that fucking Best Buy automated phone interview. I'm ready for you, this time, sucker. I learned your secrets. I know how you operate. Stealing is bad. Hard work is good. Tardiness is bad. Suggestive selling is good.

PAUSE!

If you ever want a job really bad, and it has to do with selling something, selling anything. Selling phones, cabbage, rottweilers, or children. All you have to do is mention the words "suggestive selling" in the interview and the job is pretty much yours. Managers eat that shit up. "How about a side of cole slaw with that halibut?" "These jeans are nice, maybe a belt to go with it?" What managers don't understand, however, is that suggestive selling usually makes you look like a desperate jerk.

"Purchasing the new Carrie Underwood CD? You should also take a look at our neoprene laptop sleeves!"

In any case, managers love the idea of suggestive selling and will pretty much father the children of any employee who engages in it.

RESUME.

Long story short, I got the job at Best Buy. As if the phone interview wasn't enough of a nuisance, the drug test wasn't exactly walking on sunshine either. Ever take a drug test? Of course you have. Your mom knows you smoke pot and is convinced you've got a meth lab in the basement. You buy piss from the neighbor kids because yours still isn't clean. I really don't think there's anything more uncomfortable than handing some strange woman a cup of your own pee. What are you supposed to say to her? Do you laugh? Is it funny? I mean, yeah, it's funny AFTER the fact. Hilarious story to tell your friends. Especially if you bump into the door on the way out and accidently spill over the side of the cup that you are handing off. But it's not funny at the time. So what is the proper etiquette for giving them your pee? Do you say thank you? Why would you? You aren't grateful. You are giving them a urine sample, why would you be grateful? Do you make a joke? You know they've probably heard every sort of joke about the situation already. And you know there are some tactless bastards out there who have the balls to say "Oh man, I wouldn't want your job! Haha!" The same assholes who would say that to me when I was cleaning up puke at Disney World. "You got the fun job, huh?" Yeah, fuck you.

Slightly off topic maybe, but still relevant.

I was called a Media & Merchandise Specialist. That was my official title. However, I think "store bitch" would have been just as effective. I was under the impression I would be in charge of CDs and movies. Not a bad deal. Then I found out I was also responsible for video and computer games. I can handle that too. Then I found out I was also going to have to put out merchandise. What's merchandise, you ask?

EVERYTHING.

If you can pick it up, it's merchandise. And I had to walk around carrying basket upon basket filled with crap. Cables, plugs, batteries, CDRs, ink cartridges, candy, phones, answering machines, walkmans, portable CD players, headphones, carrying cases, you name it. And this wasn't something you do in the afternoon. No, this was a morning job. A 6 o'clock in the morning job. Luckily I had school so I could only come in at 6 on Sundays, which, incidentally was the worst day of the week. Shipments came in and ads needed to be set. It sucked really bad. Especially since aside from a select few people, the Media & Merch team was a bunch of rejects. I ended up getting out of Sunday morning shifts. I don't know if I volunteered or they asked me to come in later or if I lied and said I had church, but I was the official closer instead. I came in and worked 12-6, which, in my opinion, is way better than 6-12.

I didn't really give 100 percent at Best Buy. I did at first. When I liked it. Oh man I was so excited to work at Best Buy. But being treated like vermin for so long, eventually you stop caring about putting for as much effort. For instance, the day after Thanksgiving, or, as it is known in the retail world, Black Friday. I was not scheduled, but Stan (I fucking hated Stan) asked me to come in at 6 am. So I did. Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave though. At about 10:30, the store was absolute chaos. The line for the registers weaved in and out through every CD aisle, and wrapped around the entire store. People were rude and hostile. I had enough, so I decided that it was time to bounce. I didn't ask if I could, I just left. Hell, Stan (I fucking hated Stan) never told me what time to leave, nor did he ask me how long I could stay. Can't get in trouble for that. And since I wasn't on the schedule, the clock out computer didn't give me trouble at all.

You see, you couldn't clock out of a shift at Best Buy until the exact time, to the minute, that you were scheduled to leave. If you got off early or had to leave sick, you needed a managers authorization. I had my ways around it though.

Steve: Hey Sherry, I'm leaving early, so I need you to authorize me to clock out.
Sherry: Who else is in your department?
Steve: Tim is there. And Mike said I could leave early.
(Tim was not there. No one else was there, not even Mike. And if he was, he wouldn't have let me leave early.)
Sherry: OK. Have a good night.

I never got in trouble for that. I'm pretty sure upper management forgot who I was on a day to day basis. By the time they realized they were screwed over, they forgot who did it. They weren't concerned with me or my affairs.

My treasured anonymity did not last forever, however. This was because of Nick. After Nick's antics which I was framed for, I became Best Buy's Public Enemy Number 1.


...to be continued