WE GOT ONE!!!

"The next Real World will be shot in Detroit. And so will some of the cast members." -SNL

It's true. The Real World 18 will be shooting in Detroit. OK...Royal Oak. But whatever. Who would have imagined we actually would have a Real World: Detroit.

gobble it up

I'm home for Thanksgiving weekend. It's nice to be home. It's nice to be able to sleep in my real bed. My bed has strange powers. It has the power to make me sleep for at least 12 hours at a time. It's nice. I got up at 3 today.

Life has been good. I was definitely ready to come home though. The week before I came home was not that great. I wasn't really in a very good mood. Only 2 or 3 people really know the exact reason, and anyone who might have caught a certain blog I posted at 2 AM but deleted about 10 minutes later. But if you don't already know, you're not going to. Because it's over now. Water under the bridge, I suppose.

Right now I'd like to say classes are going well. But umm...I don't know if they are. I HOPE they are. I can't imagine that I'm doing that badly in any of them, because let's remember, this is Columbia. I had to skip one class yesterday because I was coming home, and that's the one that worries me. Ehh...I guess as long as I get a C I could really care less. It's just really hard to care about my classes. I don't know why. I blame the internship. True, the internship is only two days a week, and I have more than enough time to get my work done for my classes, but...whatever.

Thanksgiving was decent. Dinner was good. It wasn't plain noodles or toast, so a definite step up from what I've been eating lately. Saw some family, made a Christmas list. Got in an argument with my Dad about paying my doctors bills. Apparently although I can't afford to feed myself I should still be responsible for paying for what insurance doesn't cover. OK. Fine. I'll do it.

Went out with Emily, Todd, and Kristin last night. It was a reunion of sorts. We hung out a lot at Western so it was really nice seeing them all again. And we're all 21 now! It's just so weird. Like...these people were my life 2 years ago. Emily and Kristin were always around, and Todd....Todd was my fucking homeboy. Now I see them probably no more than 3 or 4 times a year. It's actually really, really sad. But tonight was fun. Every time we get together it's like we've never been apart. After Kristin and Emily left Todd and I stayed at the bar for a little while longer. It was really good to see him again. Hopefully he'll come out to Chicago soon. I think everyone would find us hilarious. Well, I find us hilarious. Everyone else might think we're stupid.

The highlight of the night was when this 31 year old girl came up and flirted with Todd. Granted, she was extremely good looking. But it was still funny. She was 31. Todd is 21. And looks like he's 15. I was entertained. I even wrote about it in my diary. I laughed about it later.

I'm hungry. I quit

Thousand fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes

I'm invincible. And it feels damn good.

Happy 200 Jess! Here's to 200 more!

I am, of course, referring to how many pounds Jess Dangles has lost since going on the South Beach diet! At this rate she might even be able to get out of bed by Christmas!

I had to work backstage crew on a play for one of my classes. It sucked real bad. For 2 weeks I was either at crew, my internship, or class. I didn't do laundry, buy groceries, clean my room, or shower in that whole two weeks. Ok, yeah, I showered. But I barely had time to repeat after I lathered and rinsed. Luckily that's all behind me now. I have to do another in December, but I don't even want to think about it right now.

Yesterday I saw something gross. It was raining (gross!) and there was a family (gross!) walking down the sidewalk (gross!). And this little girl was looking up to the sky with her mouth open to catch the rain in it (gross!). The thing is, she wasn't really catching rain falling from the sky. She was catching rain that was running down the awning of the Cingular store. Do you think her parents said anything? Nope. They didn't tell her to stop. The didn't hit her. They didn't even push her down into a puddle and hold her face in it. It seems that parents today are becoming very lazy and letting kids do just about anything. This girl is drinking garbage water. My mom wouldn't even let me play with Play-Doh anywhere except the kitchen floor.

A lot of bad news in TV this week.

Arrested Development is being cancelled.

&$*##^# died on Lost.

#&# *!@%# did it.

Good news though....Tony Danza is taping his talk show in Chicago tomorrow. Right next to our studio...and we are taping tomorrow too. Sooo there's a chance I may see...or EVEN MEET Mr. Tony Danza!!!! I don't know if I can handle it. What if I were to meet Tony Danza and Jerry Springer was there too! What if we got our picture together! What if we all went out to dinner! What if we all got a loft in LA together!





Don't even pretend you aren't jealous.

I'm going to start writing a pilot for Off The Clock. I really like what we've done with it in my producing class, so I think I'm going to keep going with it.

Chapter 2: Home of the Smiling Burger: Why I'll Never Name My Son Duane

So Twist & Shout was dead. Now I was 15. I turned 15 while I worked there. I said I was going to have a birthday party. Juli asked me if I was going to have a keg. Yeah. of root beer.

I don't know why I applied to work at Red Robin. Aside from the fact that they hired 15 year olds. It was a different world from Twist and Shout. Now I wasn't working with other teenagers, I was working with real life adults who did this for a living. This made me about as comfortable as Mr. Rogers at a KKK rally. There was this one waitress, Sharon. She rode her bike to work. Yeah, that seems kind of cool, I guess. Someone riding their bike. How quirky and endearing, right? Yeah you say that reading this, but in reality, a 40 year old woman who rides her bike to wait tables at Red Robin isn't really that endearing. It's just weird. And kind of creepy. She was nice though. She always had gum. OF COURSE she always had gum.

I grew up fast when Red Robin hired me. The protective barrier that separated me from the other employees came crashing down instantly. It was called the Deviation of Hours form. Basically, it was a permission slip for my parents to sign, saying that it was alright for me to work as late as the restaurant needed me. Basically, it was saying that I was now a slave to Duane, the manager. Basically, it was saying that every night that I worked my mom would be waiting outside in the car for a half hour while Duane made me roll silverware. Basically, it sucked.

Duane. I hate that name. I didn't like it before Red Robin and I despise it now. It's not pronounced "Dwayne" it's "Duh-wayne" Even worse if you ask me. Duh-Wayne seemed to have it out for me. I was weak and he was strong. I was his victim. His puppet. His red headed stepchild.

"Katie you're going to be in charge of the host stand tonight because Steve probably couldn't handle it"

"Steve there's dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom, go throw it out."

"Steve, why don't you ever step up to be in charge at the host stand?"

"Steve, take this party to section 2"

"Steve why the hell did you just double seat section 2?"

"Black socks Steve. Go home and put on BLACK socks"

"I don't trust you to be in charge of the host stand. Katie will do it"

"You need to learn what to do when you're in charge of the host stand. Why don't you ever step up to it?"

He also yelled at me if I didn't answer the phone correctly. We were supposed to answer the phone by saying "We're having a FANTASTIC day at Red Robin, home of the smiling burger, how can help you?" I tried to explain to him that it was just physically impossible for somebody to have enough breath in their lungs to say that whole retarded greeting, but he wouldn't listen. Dick.

If Duh-Wayne was everything wrong with Red Robin, Kim, the assistant manager, was that one small beacon of light. She was only manager there while she was going back to school to get her teaching degree. She liked me. She understood that I was just a kid and sympathized with me. She'd even let me go home early on nights that we weren't busy. Duane would make me scrub the floor if we weren't busy. Kim was even responsible for why I almost went back to Red Robin later on, after I left. But that's a story for chapter 3.

The other hosts were alright. I really don't remember most of them. I wasn't as outgoing and fun as I was at Twist & Shout. I didn't have a chance to be. We had some fun times though. Some of my coworkers were pretty nice. People either looked at me as a puppy that needed to be kicked, or a little brother that needed to be protected. One of the servers would always ask me about my social life and if I had a girlfriend. Another one would ask me why I walked so funny.

That summer I went to Australia for 3 weeks. I told Duane and Kim that I was leaving and would let them know when I was ready to come back. I knew all along I had no intentions whatsoever to return, but I didn't want to quit. I was too afraid. This was a perfect way out of it. Looking back on it, outright quitting would have given Duane more satisfaction, where as this would just end up screwing him over somewhat.

So I did the whole Australian adventure thing, came back to the States, and where did I decide to go for my first dinner home?

Red fucking Robin.

"Hey Steve when did you wanna start work again? I put you back on the schedule since I knew you were coming back!"




Oops...

soggy bloggy

I barely had any friends in Florida.

I think that's why I miss it a lot.

Things were so simple.

Chapter 1 "Knot a Problem: A Lesson In Child Labor Laws"

I don't know exactly what it was that ever possessed me to get a job at 14. I didn't need one. I mean, I was only 14. What bills did I have to pay? What could have possibly come over me to make me think that it would be a good idea to seek employment at such a young age? I couldn't answer that even if I were willing to try, which believe me, I'm not.
It was November of my Freshman year. Everything was going smoothly. I played saxophone in the Marching Band, where we took 2nd in the state, I was in a committed relationship, and for the first time in 6 years, I was going to the same school as my brother. However, there were still a few problems with my seemingly wonderful High School career. I hated Marching Band, I couldn't have cared less about my girlfriend, with whom I tried to keep any sort of contact with to a minimum, and my brother was an asshole.
Whatever the case was, I persuaded my mom to drive me (14 remember? The concept of me driving anything was still way beyond the horizon) to the mall, so that I could pick up an application. I filled it out in the bleachers of my girlfriend Lindsay's basketball game. It may have been spelled Lindsey. I'm not sure. All I remember is that I used to spell it wrong, which got her angry. I really wasn't the best boyfriend. I'll admit that up front now. I really wasn't too interested in being together. "Going out" just happened to be easier than breaking up and hurting her feelings. I've since learned that this is the exact sort of behavior that makes girls hate boys, and often turns them into motorbike riding lesbians. The whole relationship charade went on for far too long. Sometimes things just get too comfortable and you don't want it to end. I wouldn't say our relationship was all that "comfortable." I wouldn't even really say it was a matter of convenience. My fear of losing certain friends and hurting Lindsay's feelings is really all that kept us together. It was the moment that this idiot girl handed Lindsay (Lindsey?) a piece of paper listing reasons why she should break up with me that I finally said screw it. This is over. That and the fact that I wasn't going to give Lindsey (Lindsay?) a chance to dump me first. (I should also mention that "His nostrils are too big" was one of the reasons mentioned on the list. Don't you love High School?) I've gotten way off topic here...So yeah. I was applying for a job.
With what would turn out to be the job first application of a number greater than you'd ever imagine, my mom drove me to Twist & Shout and I turned it in. About three days later, I received a phone call from the manager, Kristine, asking me to come in for an interview. Looking back on it, I wasn't really that nervous at the interview. Why would I be? I was 14. It was a job selling pretzels. Really not something I would have classified as a major milestone in my life. Turns out I was wrong about that. Oh man, listen to me, getting all self reflective. A few days later, Kristine called me back and offered me the job. I was now officially a "Team Member" at Twist & Shout Pretzels.
I was young. Oh God I was young. And innocent. So innocent. I didn't know anything. About anything. Everyone I worked with was so much older than me. Ok, two or three years, but at 14, that is a world of difference. I couldn't even drive to work, for Christ's sake. My mom had to drive me to and from work. The others used this fact to make fun of my on a daily basis. Adding to my humiliation, my mom would forget to pick me up more often than she actually remembered to.
I showed up for my first day of work and learned the basics. Rolling pretzels, baking them, selling them. Monkeys work, really.
Aside from Kristine, I met Andy and Jessica that day. Andy was 16. Later on we would start calling him "Slow Andy." Andy was a great kid. It wasn't that he was stupid. He was actually kind of bright. He just didn't think. At all. It was my opinion that Andy had a disorder in which his brain and mouth were permanently detached from each other. One time Lynn called Andy "Captain Obvious" after he said something stupid, to which Andy replied "Whatever...Captain......Virginity!" Like I said. Great kid. He just didn't think all that much. I also met Jessica. One of the two "Team Leaders." Jessica was extremely tiny. With her huge platform shoes on, she still barely broke 4 feet. She was cute and young looking. I was surprised to find out she was 18. 18 seemed so old. She could drive. She smoked. She graduated High School! That made her an adult. That made her an authority. I think I met Nicole that day too. She came in later on. We rolled pretzels together for most of the day. She taught me how. Nicole was short and kind of dirty. Her hair was short and spiky and died a reddish orange color. After Nicole left, it was decided amongst the rest of us that she was not missed. And that she was a lesbian. She wore the same tattered long john shirt underneath her Twist & Shout shirt every day and it got pretty nasty. One day she burnt her arm really bad, and she insisted on showing it to us every time she worked. Like I said, Nicole was not missed.
I'd also eventually meet Lynn, the other supervisor. Lynn was 19 but she didn't talk to me like I was kid. Then there was Brynne. Ohhh where to even begin with Brynne.
Anything that I may have done wrong in my High School days, Brynne is completely responsible for. That's all I can say. Brynne corrupted me. We're actually still good friends. It's been seven years and we still talk. Who knows what I would be like today if I hadn't met Brynne.
Child labor laws were awesome. Being 14 in Michigan meant there were certain rules to be followed.
- No more than 18 hours a week.
- Working no later than 7:00 at night.

Now, if I couldn't get into work until 2:30 on a school day, and couldn't work passed 7, this made for an extremely easy job. Especially since we weren't busy at all. Our side of the mall was a ghost town on weekdays. Twist and Shout, the movie theatre, and supercuts. We had some fun times. I learned a lot about myself there. To be honest, I wouldn't be the sarcastic, witty, outspoken guy I am today if it hadn't been for that little pretzel place. I also wouldn't have learned these important lessons:

1. The secret ingredient to the pretzels was brown sugar.
2. Smelling salt can be very dangerous when it falls into the hands of bored teenagers.
3. Gum remover serves a great deal of purposes aside from the obvious one.
4. Sometimes a frozen coke machine might LOOK like it's going to be watery and melted, but once you start dispensing it becomes a thick and frosty treat.
5. If you keep a pretzel out for a month and then drop it, it will shatter.
6. There's no real reason to clean baseboards.
7. One of the Sailor Moon characters is a lesbian.
8. Vulpix evolves into Ninetails.
9. You can microbrew rootbeer.
10. How to roll a pretzel.
11. Raisins have NO BUSINESS being in a pretzel.
12. Mucky Duck mustard is an acquired taste.


The end came quite abruptly to our days at Twist & Shout. In retrospect, we really should have seen it coming. We were using generic plastic cups and napkins for about 2 months, and never received new ones with our logo. We never made more than $250 dollars a day in sales. And the biggest sign of the end being very well nigh...most of the other stores had already shut down. It didn't come as a surprise to us that we were closing. No. T'was the manner in which we were informed of the store's demise that was surprising.

I had Sunday off. I worked Saturday and one of the managers from another store came in and told us that the company wasn't doing well. I knew I better start looking for another job, but why rush? I had time, didn't I? They wouldn't just CLOSE THE PLACE without informing us!

...yeah they would.

Jason called me on Sunday to deliver the news. Apparently he had gone into work and the gate was closed. The gate was closed and people were moving stuff out. Twist & Shout was gone for good and we didn't even get a goodbye. We didn't even get to steal all the random crap that we planned to steal once the place finally did close. I didn't even get my Space Monkey stuffed animal that I kept on the counter as the store mascot. Luckily Brynne managed to retrieve Space Monkey. And he is still at home in my bedroom, safe and sound.

I'll tell you one thing, when I was filling out the application at Lindsey's (Lindsay's?) basketball game, I never would have dreamed that I'd have so much to write about eight years later.

All oiled up

What's new?

Sox won the series. I'm over it and so is Chicago. It was fun though. Downtown was nuts. They had to put up fences around our building to make sure there were no riots and no one rushed into the streets. As soon as the game was over everbody ran out of the building and crowded the sidewalks. Then we took it to the streets. People everywhere were screaming and all the cars were honking. It was pretty cool just to be there. Then we went to the stadium where there was even more pandemonium. Then on the train back these two big topless black girls walked through our car twice screaming "Go Sox"

The worst part? Everyone was extremely shocked and disgusted by these two girls...

And I found it normal. I'm used to it. That makes me feel dirty.

Last night was night 1 of Halloween weekend. It was pretty fun. The parties were way too crowded though but it was a good time. I took Sarah out with us because she had never been to a big party before. If she never goes out for the rest of her life I guess I'm to blame.

Anyway, this was me.



I was a mechanic. Just wanted to wear coveralls really... And get dirty. I went a little overboard with the black paint. I decided to put it in my hair. Did you know facepaint shouldn't go in hair? Moreover, did you know black face paint shouldn't go in blonde hair? Yeah. Oops. The flower shoor is black. I meant to say shower floor. I actually typed that wrong. I thought it was funny so I left it.

I freaking love Halloween.

Damn Bones Damn Bones

Just wanted to say THANK YOU MATT for the wireless internet. It is much appreciated! It makes me happier than...well..happier than orange Kool-Aid makes me!





And THAT'S happy!!!

A good drinking game would be take a shot every time they advertise "Bones" during the Sox game. Seriously.

"That was a great hit, wasn't it. Just want to take a minute to remind everyone to tune in next Tuesday for an all new episode of Fox's new hit show "Bones." Let's BONES take a look at the replay WATCH BONES WATCH BONES WATCH BONES. Joe Crede is having quite a night, and will be WATCHING BONES NEXT TUESDAY AT 8. We'll be back after this."

Then it's a commercial for Bones. Then a commercial for Geico. Then Harry Potter. Then Bones. Then another one for Bones.

Sick of me saying "Bones?" OK I'll stop.


...just make sure to watch BONES next TUESDAY!! David Boreanez stars...in BONES!


Not to be racist or anything but...and I know you agree with me on this one. You know when you sign up for something online and have to select your country? And it's the scroll list and the countries are all in alphabetical order? Don't you wish that Unites States was always on top? Here I am scrolling down past Botswana and Kazakhstan to find the leader of the western world nuzzled up between United Kingdon and Uruguay. I'm not being a supremicist or anything, I'm just saying. Compare how many people sign up for myspace in the USA compared to the Syrian Arab Republic.

I'm just saying.




...and be sure to watch Bones on Tuesday

it's not oprah. i get it

Another sober Saturday...two weeks in a row now. I guess my Thursday and Friday nights make up for that though. Spent the day with my family that is in town. Had dinner, played with Shilo, watched the Sox win (OK fine I DO care but only kind of). Came back and didn't bother to go out. Too lazy.

It's been a while since I updated, what did I talk about last I don't even remember. Hmmm..

Springer has been going well. Mondays I work the show and that's always interesting. I come home feeling wrong, though. Like...last week, as I was getting the transexual a straw for her energy drink and she was telling me her nipples were hard, it hit me. What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this really an experience that I need? Escorting a pimp and a prostitute outside so that they can chainsmoke like bandits....is that in some way relevant to a career in writing and producing? I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Other days I just work in audience. Which really means sit and answer the phone and say "Thanks for calling The Jerry Springer Show what city are you calling from?" Over and over until my throat is raw. People that call for tickets are sometimes even worse that people who call to be on the show. And trust me, the people who call to be on the show are pretty ridiculous.

"Hi Jerry this is Shelia May....I'm callin' cause I wanna be on the show. I have a 380 dollar phone bill Jerry. And I need to be on the show so you can help me with my phone bill. It's 380 dollars."

Yeah...ok lady, how about we stop calling talk shows to tell them our financial troubles? That might save you a little on the phone bill. Or try Vonage. People do stupid things. Woo hoo woo hoo hoo!

So I know what you are wondering. Is it fake or is it not fake? Well, much like when I signed away every basic right that I had in Florida to ensure the preservation of Disney magic, I was required to do the same thing for Springer. All I can say is this. These people come to us. We do not make it up.

Our studio is right by where Jenny Jones used to tape. Too bad she's gone. God knows I'd love to meet Mrs. Jones. I heard that interns for her show weren't even allowed bathroom breaks. I bet that was at Jenny's request. Chicken, Rachel, and I used to intentionally stay up until 2am to watch Jenny Jones freshman year. It was BET Uncut from 1-2 and then Jenny. BET Uncut is an excellent program. If you are into quality music such as "I ain't got no panties on" and high art music videos, especially those featuring slapping girls asses with buttered spatulas, then I highly recommend BET Uncut.

Eric turned 21 yesterday. He got a keg and we had a party at Jason's. It was a lot of fun. Jason's is always a good time. Eric brought the empty keg back here. He's going to keep it on the window ledge. I think we should decorate it for Christmas. Even put presents around it.

Are you COMPLETELY unattainable?


Then yeah, I'll probably start to like you.

Things that have been said that I laugh at

Steve: Cheez-Its that fight and run away will live to fight another day.
Matt: That's a fishful of lies!
Steve: I think the phrase is "boat"
Matt: Fish are close to boats



Maggie: Eat your chili, JonBenet



Zach: That's not a dorkins its a shmuh!! No! It's a raft!



gankSTErsteVE: sorry i didnt get hold with yo this par y wat SHIT and i ha no service ther. i shoud call the andlord
gankSTErsteVE: im missing letters
gankSTErsteVE: u t d e l l
gankSTErsteVE: those are the letters i missed
Prple32: they're shitty letters anyways
Prple32: you weren't missing much
gankSTErsteVE: oh i know i talked to the letter people about it

Righteous Brother

Home for the weekend. Pretty uneventful, which I'm not at all used to anymore. But it was nice. Slept until 1. Took a nap. Layed around.

Saw "The Fog" with my brother and Julie. It was....boring. Most scary movies don't have enough plot and try too hard to scare you. This one tried too hard to make a plot. Wayyy too hard. It felt like it was an hour too long, and it was only an hour and a half. Maggie Grace and her hotness wasn't even enough to save it. It definitely helped though. Ohhh...Maggie. Shannon from Lost. Awwww...Lost. Do you watch Lost? Oh man you should be.

And Arrested Development. And 24. These are why I went into Television instead of Film.

Speaking of TV, my TV Producer class picked my show idea to develop for the rest of the semester. Everyone was supposed to come in and pitch an idea and then we voted for our top 4 favorites. The 4 shows with the most votes were the ones that the class would work on for the semester. 10 of the 12 people in the class had mine in their top 4. Made me feel good about myself. I don't often succeed at things, and aside from being funny, don't have much talent. It's cool when something I do is considered good. And no I'm not trying to fish for compliments. I'm just saying.

My show is called "Off The Clock." It's about a bunch of people that work at a popular family amusement park. All day they are smiling and happy and working with kids. At night they go wild. Sex, drugs, rock & roll, drama. Can ya guess where I got that idea from?

Had to pick up my brother from a wedding tonight. He was wasted. Still is. He and his friends are being really obnoxious. How can people be so obnoxious when they drink? I know I would never act like...umm...nevermind. Guess I would. How many classy awards have I won so far?

Haha. Classy awards. In our little group, whoever does the most ridiculous things when they are drunk recieve the Classy award for the week. The first time I won was because I was still drunk at noon without ever going to bed. The second time was for not only swallowing Ashley's gum, but for drinking a 40 in plain sight on the train. Ohhh college.

Home is nice because it's relaxing and stuff, but it's also annoying cause you're constantly wondering what's going on back at school. You don't want to go home and miss the most talked about night of the year. Then again, most of the times that I go home, I end up in Kalamazoo. And those times are always 10 times crazier than anything you've seen me do in Chicago. Last time I was at Alicia's there was fireworks, running through a graveyard from police, and oh so much more. Awww Kalamazoo. You guys are great.

Chicago. You guys are great too.

I'm really lucky know all the awesome people I know. Whether we're singing messed up christmas carols, laying on the futon all day watching horrible movies, going to the beach with plastic beer bottles, going to taco bell at 3am, reflecting by the water, playing power hour, shopping at jewel, drinking the beast out of a watermelon cup, rapping about billygoats, drinking a 40 out of a garfield cup, watching lost, having a birthday celebration, making a ghost costume out of plastic mattress covers, spending quality time with bethesda, eating dinner with disney characters and dodger, spending quality time with nigs, spending quality time with sgt. pepper, spending quality time with oliver, writing nice things on paper, driving around with a sprite can and a can of tuna, playing "get drunk in 15 minutes," playing beer pong, playing beirut, having cake fights, watching 24, looking for a missing hamster when drunk, balancing on our ladders, playing the alphabet game, riding carousel of progress because space mountain is too long of a wait, playing in the rain on the terrace, and everything else.

I hope college never ends.

it's important to know where you stand.

it might feel like a kick in the chest....but at least you know

hellular phone

Just discovered I don't have free nights. Just free weekends. Don't bother calling my cell phone until next June.

Class Act

I woke up this morning with a giant Elizabethtown subway sign in my room. How'd it get there? Could it have something to do with the game I invented, Garfield 40 Drinking Frenzy? Yeah, that's probably part of it.

Had to get up early for my internship after a LOOONNNNNGG night. Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard. And all I did was sit all day on the phone so it wasn't too bad. Just mind numbingly boring.

Pegosaurus Rex came out of Beer Pong retirement for one game last night, where he handed the amateurs their asses on a silver platter with a side of baby carrots.

I drunk dialed Kara O'Connell. That's something new.

Today I was going through and booking tickets for people that e mailed the show. I got to the 3rd one and it was a girl I went to Lollapalooza with. Small world.

Hawt Dawg

Seriously. What the hell. It's October 4th. It's Fall. I said...OCTOBER. Why...is...it...so....HOT?!?!? Don't get me wrong, I like summer weather just as much as the next person, and I'm certainly glad it's not snowing and there is no freezing wind tearing the skin off my face. But come on. 85 degrees in October? I want Fall weather already. Mother Nature has been a merciless bitch this year.

I think I wouldn't care so much about it being this hot still, but after spending the summer in a giant stone house with no air conditioning, that acted as an oven every day, I'm really looking forward to some cooler weather.

85 DEGREES! OCTOBER!

Don't you get it! This is a sign. First last year's hurricanes in Florida now Katrina and Rita...and an October heat wave in Chicago. The end is coming. We screwed up our planet. Greenpeace is laughing at us now. We're screwed. Things are gonna get worse and worse now. Didn't you see "The Day After Tomorrow?" No probably not. Well didn't you see the commercial at least? That shit is true. And now its happening. Why aren't the news people commenting on this? There's probably a conspiracy too. There's always a conspiracy.

I suggest you find out when your next HBO free preview weekend is so that you can watch "The Day After Tomorrow" as well. And study it. Survival skills. Very important.

The movie wasn't really that bad I guess. It was fun watching Tokyo and LA and NY get destroyed. But then it got boring. Crap about love and friendship and survival in the face of tragedy. Snooze. The dead girl from Mystic River was in it. And Jake Jellojiggler or Jellenhobble or whatever. You know the one. The one that looks exactly like Tobey Maguire. Speaking of conspiracies, does anyone else think that maybe he IS a clone? Tobey Maguire was really successful for about 9 seconds when Spider-Man came out. His people wanted to bank on that shit, so they made another Tobey. Slightly scruffier, a little edgier. Together Tobey and Jake could pull in millions. But then Jake learned what it was like to be human. Love and understanding and affection. And they lost him. And Kirsten Dunst bought him because he looked good with most of her clothes and her friends were starting to think she was kind of gay.

Anyway, moral of the story, the earth is ending and unless you see the movie with Tobey Maguire's scruffy clone then you have no chance of survival.

Oh baby oh baby oh

Funny, I only think of writing in this when I have like 20 other things to do that are more important. Clean...homework...read...but here I am. It's important this time too. This is something that needs to be said, and it needs to be said now.





I fucking HATE talking babies. More than anything in the world. Take everything else I hate (which believe me, is a lot of things) and combine them, and that's only half as much as I hate talking babies. It's not funny. It's not cute. It sure as HELL isn't original. So why do people keep making these commercials and movies and other things with talking babies? Especially Quizno's. I hate that one the most.





Remember that thing? Remember those commercials? Why did they get rid of them for a TALKING BABY? At least mice with zombie teeth and messed up eyes and silly hates was ORIGINAL. Does anyone see the Quizno's baby and think. "Haha! A talking infant! Clever! I'm going to eat Quizno's subs!" I doubt it.

Talking babies. God I hate it.



No wonder they're doing things like Battlefield: Earth and Pier 1 commercials now.


Two talking babies. Makes me want to put my wrists on the stove and leave them.


Talking animals is almost as bad. Funny, you'd think at this point Kirstie and John would prefer NOT to appear on the poster...


A new breed of evil. I just threw up a little.



And you wonder why the terrorists hate America.



Speaking of terrorists....can we hope that there will be a Baby Geniuses 3, in which the babies thwart the attempts of international terrorism? Cross your fingers...

Take a ride, take a ride

I didn't go to bed on Saturday. And I was still drunk at noon. I've been told that I win the classy award for the weekend. The thing is...I can't figure out what I did the whole night/morning. This is what I know.

Went out to Rock Bottom, had 2 shots and a beer. Met up with Lauren and Ken. Went to Cam's party, which had just been broken up. That, however, didn't stop me from drinking like a fiend. So yeah...let's see. Vodka was being chased with water, I drunk dialed every person in every single area code in the world. Went to White Hen at 3am for more chasers. Came back, called Twigger, who I talked to for about an hour. Then it was 5. And I decided I wanted to go to the lake and watch the sunrise. Well at about 5:45, I still had an hour to go, and decided I needed to rest for a few minutes...on the bathroom floor. Woke up and it was light out. Then puttered around doing who knows what until I changed and took out my contacts at 11. Welcome to college.

I've started listening to old radio shows every night when I go to bed. It helps me fall asleep. Last year Jill let me borrow some CD's of "The Shadow," which is so far my favorite. "The Avenger" is pretty good too. I can't listen to music, it keeps me up, but shows don't. I really don't pay much attention to them either. In fact I couldn't tell you what happened in an entire episode of any of them.

I start at Jerry Springer on Friday. Pretty excited. I'm sure I'll have tons of stories to tell about that. Fridays are office days for me so nothing too big will happen my first day. Mondays we record the show, and I work with the guests. That'll get interesting. Oh, apparently my grandma wants tickets to "Harry Springer." What do I do? My grandparents are coming in a few weeks. I think my grandpa would actually really want to go...but I can't give them tickets! They're my grandparents!! It's Jerry Springer!! They'll see boobs! Big fat ones!!

Speaking of big fat ones...oh no. Now I sound like a jerk. I shouldn't call people fat. I was just trying to come up with a transition between two stories. I didn't want this to seem too choppy. That and...well the girl was fat.

Our fitness center has been having serious problems with the treadmills lately. There are five, but at any given time, three of them don't work. You're lucky if two are working, even luckier if one is open. So I go down there, two girls are using them. One girl is running, the other-the girl I was just talking about a second ago- is walking. Good for you for walking. Fitness is important and I honestly commend you on recognizing that. HOWEVER, walking on a treadmill while talking on your cell phone and walking at the speed of 2 is NOT really exercise. Especially when after 2 minutes of walking, you press stop, and FUCKING STAND THERE, ON THE TREADMILL FOR 5 MINUTES. What, are you done? Get enough? Nope apparently not. Turn it back on, walk for 2 more minutes, rest for 5. It was like this for about a half hour. Now I'm not complaining that this girl was trying to work out. But if you want it to mean anything, put some fucking effort in.

Speaking of effort (I'm good at transitions), not a lot of of effort was put into this...

The People Mover

This is the website for Detroit's beloved transportation system...the people mover. Thanks to Kara for sending me to this site. Make sure you have your volume up when you check it out. You don't want to miss the people mover song!!!

I don't know if people not from Detroit will enjoy this as much as people from Detroit will. You see, you Chicago people think Detroit is just some crime infested cesspool. It's really not. It's got a lot of good stuff. Yeah it's kind of lame and a joke...but that's what we love about it. It's kind of endearing.

What we lack in web design capability and transit systems...we make up for in funk and soul.

I went to Panda Express today because I wanted me some orange chicken. Guess what time it closed. 2. Guess what time it opens. 11. It is open from 11-2. Three hours. What the fuck is the point. Then when I came home I hit my head on the table. I was even more pissed. So I took a 2 hour nap. Screw you panda express!

AO-etiquette (see what I did there?)

OK, here's the thing...

There are tons of things to do on a computer, aside from AIM. Homework...homework is one of them. Check e-mail. Read a good blog (or just settle for mine). Look at news/sports/weather. Play minesweeper. Play the Sims. Write a novel. Design websites. Make pictures. Look at porn. Upload your own porn.

The fact is...sometimes I might be doing something on my computer in addition to being on AIM. Usually homework. Sometimes minesweeper. Probably not porn because that requires closing the blinds which I am entirely too lazy to do. I can watch all the porn I want at Libby's anyway.

So...doing other things besides AIM. What does this mean to you, my AOL buddy? It means the fact that I am online does NOT mean I am devoting every ounce of my attention to you. It means I am here. Yes. I am available to be contacted. Yes. I will respond at some point. Yes. It doesn't mean that I will, or even can, respond the second you message me. So hold your freaking horses. I hate when I recieve something like this, all within 10 seconds:

NeedyNelly: Hey.
NeedyNelly: Are you there?
NeedyNelly: Fine I guess you are ignoring me. Bye.

Actually Nelly, I was not ignoring you. I was trying to finish a paragraph in my essay. Peace out.

Oh but Steve, why not put up an away message? Wouldn't that be easier? If you're too busy to be talking, why not do the right thing and let people know you aren't available, instead of complaining that people want to talk to you.

I'm not complaining that people want to talk to me. I'm complaining when people expect me to respond faster than you can say "aol face" I hate when the little beep hasn't even finished beeping and already I've gotten "WHERE ARE YOU"

Know what's awesome? The fact that you can now message people while you still have an away message up. Comes in handy. Genius. Yeah I had DeadAIM, you could do it on that, but still. I don't go for the add ons anymore. I prefer my messenger services like I prefer my street drugs. 100% all natural.

Another lesson...If there are stairs. Take them. Now everyone knows it is common courtesy to take the stairs down or up one level. Actually, it's called the "down 2 up 1" rule. Don't take the elevator down 2 flights or up 1. If you do, you risk being gutted and hung in the elevator shaft. "Down 2 up 1" isn't enough for me. I have bad elevator rage. In general, just don't get on after I get on and get off before I get off. That's wasting my time. I'm going from 3-14. If you are going from 5-12, fuck off. Get another elevator I'm not waiting. Sorry you broke your foot, crutches are a nuisance and that cast looks painful. But you're still walking to floor 7.