That's great it starts with an earthquake...

Two signs of an impending apocolypse have been permanently burnt into my consciousness.

The first is the image of Harry Potter's jungle-like happy trail.

The other is Norbit.




I don't know, Eddie. Have YOU ever made a really big mistake? And could that mistake by any chance be releasing a disasterous rip-off of not only Big Mama's House, but also your own The Nutty Professor? If I were a member of the Academy, and I didn't already slit my wrists because my title required me to see Dreamgirls in the first place, I'd most certainly rescind my vote for you after turning on the TV and seeing you dressed as a fat woman dancing to a Pussycat Dolls song that was popular like 2 YEARS AGO.




PS. I just saw the producer I used to work with all the time at Jerry Springer. I saw her at the bank. She was working there.

PPS. The new Brown Line tracks at the Fullerton stop are so smooth and quiet! It's almost spiritual. It feels like I'm listening to Pure Moods...in the womb.

listing

Things I hate at the moment:

Being sick because of the incident on Friday in which I had to make sure drunk Kara got home safe, as she continued to fall down, get in cars with strangers, piss people off, make out with old men, and or just plain refuse to keep walking. It was not unlike The Canterbury Tales.

Maui Fever. It's about a handful of young adults who happen to be oversexed, pompous, and highly irritating. Also, producers have to put the person's name at the bottom of the screen so you can tell them all apart, because they all look exactly the same (which is mediocre, at best). Wait, isn't that Laguna Beach?

The Dean of Student's office. It gets so hot in here, I've started incubating eggs in my pocket.

My Science of Nutrition teacher. I have received two emails from her telling me that I am doing the assignments wrong and to read the instructions she emailed to the class last week. I have sent her responses both times, telling her that I never received that email. Despite my asking twice, she has yet to send it. Communication with a teacher via email shouldn't be this hard...WHEN IT'S AN ONLINE CLASS.

Having a $100 gift card to the bookstore because I went to return a book after my credit card was cancelled. Wouldn't be such a bad thing if I was ever in my life going to buy textbooks again.

The Hills. I can't wait for the day when Lauren snaps and smothers Heidi with a pink chiffon throw pillow.



Things I love at the moment:

I may have found a place to stay in LA. My friend Sam's neighbor is renting out a bedroom in his house. $600 a month includes all utilities as well as internet and a cleaning service. Not to mention my own private bathroom. The owner has another house in Palm Springs where he apparently spends most of his time. It's also super close to the studios. Or, at least much much closer than my aunt and uncle.

LOST. WEDNESDAY. GAH.

Hero to Zero

The creator of Heroes told TV guide that a major character will be killed off in a few weeks. Of course, as per any time the announcement of a major character death is leaked, the fans are all a twitter. I love me some Heroes, and I love me some good character deaths, so I figured that the occasion calls for some speculation. So, whose gonna kick it?

Matt- Apparently the death is someone who has been around since the beginning. Couldn't be Matt since he didn't show up until the 2nd or 3rd episode. Odds: Unlikely

Mohinder- God, I hope so. The actor is terrible and the character is boring and pointless. He comes to America to find the Heroes, then as soon as he actually finds a hero, for no reason whatsoever he decides to give up and go back to India, only to have irrelevant and boring dreams that bring him back to America again. His character is just a device to bring characters together, and his voiceovers at the end of episodes are hokey beyond belief. Plus, he has no powers. Mohinder is my top choice. Odds: Likely.

Niki/Jessica- This is a tough one. Ali Larter is the main female of the show, so I can't really see them offing her at this point, especially when there's so much mystery surrounding her character. I could hypothesize that Jessica ends up killing Niki and taking over, but that doesn't make much sense because 1. They did the exact same thing on Angel and 2. Jessica might not be a good guy but everything she does is for what she thinks is Niki and her son Micah's best interest. Odds: It could go either way.

Simone- Simone is actually a little more useless than Mohinder, if you can believe it. However she's a lot more likable, and after Eden blew her brains out and Charlie's head got open like a can of beans, I'm not sure that the writers would kill off three females in a row. But then again, Ana-Lucia, Libby, and Shannon from Lost might disagree. Odds: More likely than Niki/Jessica, less likely than Mohinder.

Peter or Hiro- No way. They are fan favorites and not going anywhere.

Claire- The entire first half of the season used the catchphrase "Save the Cheerleader, Save the world." If she were to die, that makes the last 12 episodes irrelevant. Odds: Not a chance.

Nathan- I still think Nathan will become a bad guy, and that transition is going to take time. He'll definitely bite it eventually, but not next.

Micah- He's the only thing that DL and Niki/Jessica are fighting for. Without him that whole storyline is pointless.

Horn-Rimmed Glasses- I suppose he could be the one to go. Claire looking for her birth mother and all so there may not be any need for her adoptive father anymore. His motives are still unknown so we still can't figure out if he's bad or good. Also, HRG has Sylar in custody and has ties with the ever-so-mysterious-but-seems-to-know-everyone Linderman. If HRG turns out to be a bad guy, he'll be killed in order to make room for Sylar or Linderman. If he turns out to be good and then killed, it could be in a heart-wrenching scene when we finally discover that all he cared about was protecting Claire, as well as the world.

I had to share this.

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay


These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-- Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-- Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-- Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Scary movies rarely ever scare me.

This did.

Takin' Care of Biznass

I got a business card designed for me for free.

And I'm also getting a professional portfolio website done.

Why don't more people take advantage of the Portfolio Center? Seriously.

A plea.

At the beginning of Winter, much of the world experienced unseasonably warm weather. By the end of December, record high temperatures were being recorded all over. People began to suspect Global Warming as the cause of this. Many people were even in a small state of panic.

And then something terrible happened.

It got cold out.

My fellow Americans,
Global Warming is a very real threat. However, it is not real enough. Our destruction of the ozone has only brought us warm weather up until January. Now, we must embark through the bitter cold on a daily basis. Numb fingers struggle to get keys into doors. Wet hair freezes in the blustery mornings. Heat must be turned up at night. What has happened to our fair and temperate Midwest winter?

So I ask of you. Please. Do everything you can to destroy the environment. Nobody likes to be cold. It makes people sick. It makes people unhappy. It makes people die from sickness...unhappily. I urge you all to drive cars as much as possible. Even if you have nowhere to go. Waste gas. Leave the car running in the driveway when you run inside because you forgot your cell phone. In fact, leave the car running all day. Do not use environmentally friendly hair products. Use aerosol cans. Go to Costco and buy crates and crates of aerosol products wholesale. Use styrofoam and don't recycle it. Burn rubber tires. Do whatever it takes. Do your part.

If we work hard, just imagine where we can be in only one year. I envision January 25th, 2007, to be a beautiful day. 70's and slightly breezy. Backyard barbecues, block parties, pool parties, beach parties...you name it. Don't you want your kids to live in a world where nobody has to suffer through winter? Don't you? Sure, we might be cutting the life of our planet in half by doing so, but isn't it worth it?

Thank you. And goodnight.






*This message paid for by the Steve Fucking Hates Walking To Class Foundation*

My life on the C-List

I feel the needs to begin compiling a list of some of the more colorful housing opportunities I have come across on the Los Angeles Craig's List. Favorites so far include:

- A Vegan/Vegetarian house where you grow your own food and must be available on certain days to take part in clinics on creating a sustainable world.

- A "Magikal Hobbit House." Here's the kicker on the hobbit house. It's a decent price for February and March. That would be perfect for me. However, I'm not interested in living in a place described as magikal, even if it does have "plenty of magik knick-knacks to marvel"

- A transitional home that is extremely cheap and even has free wireless internet. The only problem is you need to provide proof that you are a recovering addict.

- A cozy 2 bedroom cottage with an enclosed "cat garden." And guess what...a "cat garden" is exactly what you would imagine it to be. It's a McDonald's Playplace for cats.


I really don't intend on finding a place to stay until I am out there, since I can always stay with my aunt and uncle. Finding listings like these really reinforce that intention. Although the hobbit house is pretty enticing. Could you imagine if I found a magikal hobbit house for vegetarian heroin addicts with cats?

In other news, I'm taking two online classes, which means I only have to take one class in the summer, which is for my minor. Meaning, if I were to get a job offer or some internship opportunity, I could easily drop my minor and still get a degree.

Also:

I forgot to add in my last post...

NBC called me the other day to see if I was interested in an internship in LA.


Holler.

can I GRADUATE!?!?

At this point, it's not entirely surprising that my inability to pass up any opportunity, big or small, usually leads to an inconvenience of sorts. See: Team In Training, Columbia College Chicago, The Walt Disney World College Program, Summer Orientation, declaring a minor in Theatre...etc. It's no secret that if I could just let things be and ride the wave, I'd be done with college by now. I'd have a job. I'd be settled. I'd be looking back fondly.

Unfortunately, I can't just ride the wave. Because another wave comes along and I decide that the other wave looks just a little bit more exciting. So there I go. And it always turns out to be more exciting. And I never regret it. Regret is for people that are afraid to look forward.

But the issue is, every choice I make comes with a bonus repercussion, free of charge. At this point, these little endeavors of mine have caused me to be not only a 5th year super senior, but to still have summer classes to take after that.

Anyway, my point is...will I ever finish school!?!?!? I thought I had it all figured out. Take the last of my classes this semester, complete my minor and my gen eds, walk at Graduation (Navy Pier, suckers! But only this year, so be jealous.), do the One-Hour Drama Semester in LA program over the summer, and be done. It was perfect. My advisor even approved it. But then, I had to go and have dinner with the person in charge of the sitcom class. Now, the sitcom class is only offered in the spring. I had originally ruled it out, since it was not nearly as convenient as the summer program. However, Jack Gilbert made me realize that it's more important for me to do what I want to do (comedy) than do what's easier for me (drama). The sitcom class is right in the middle of pilot season, which is when the TV industry is truly hoppin'. So not only would I be taking this class because it's what I want to do in life, I'm taking it at the best time of the year to be in LA.

So now, I have to go to LA, then come back for three classes in the summer. Oh, and that means moving out of my apartment two months before the lease ends, but still paying rent. Also, I have to talk with my advisor and the chair of the department to see if I can get excused from Independent Producer's Workshop. But that means I would still need three more TV credits to graduate. And that means an internship (LA or Chicago) or taking some crappy summer class about motion graphics or something equally as irrelevant to me. I want to walk. To be honest, it's more important for me to walk at the ceremony than to actually get a diploma. My industry does not require a diploma. I really just want it to hang on the wall behind my desk some day. It will be a great conversation piece. I imagine those conversations to go something like this:


Angelina Jolie: What's that weird framed piece of paper on your wall?
Me: That's my diploma from Columbia College Chicago.
Angelina Jolie: It doesn't look like a diploma. It looks like the front of a menu.
Me: Yeah, it's pretty ugly, but it was important that I get it.
Angelina Jolie: Why? You don't need it.
Me: It has personal value. Go adopt a foreign kid.

This time, you've gone too far

Well, first of all, I'd like to mention that the Disney chapter (Number eleven, for anyone who pays attention...see: Dani) will probably be finished and up by the end of the week. Or, at least part of it will. I'm not sure how many parts Chapter 11 will come in but if Best Buy gets two (and a prologue!) I can't see my experiences at the happiest place on earth fitting neatly into one entry. But who knows.

I've started this new thing where I read before bed. This solves two problems of mine. I never seem to find the time to sit down and read, and also, I have a hard time falling g asleep. Also, reading makes me tired. Ergo, reading before bed has many benefits.

Oh, and also, it turns out that I love running now. I especially love it in the cold. It felt like 19 degrees out, and it was snowing, and it was dark out, but I still ran four miles and it felt great.

Here are some things I need to complain about:

Puff Daddy's Proactiv commercial. "It helps me preserve my sexy." Really, Diddy? You're making MILLIONS of dollars as a rap mogul. Is it really necessary for you to hawk face wash?

Twentyfour-Seven. In case you haven't noticed MTV's formula, as soon as something becomes successful, they scramble to make a half-assed reality show about the same thing. Sometimes it works, (Laguna Beach is clearly inspired by The OC) and sometimes it doesn't. (Remember Surf Girls? No? Remember Blue Crush? Case in point). Now, since Entourage is so popular, producers (or imps from the bowels of Hell, you'll have to check the credits to find out for sure) decided to make a real life version of it. The only difference is that instead of interesting characters with complicated relationships and comic perspectives, they gave us a variable parade of douche bags. How is it that a fiction show has richer characters than a show about real people? I don't know. I'm still puzzling over the hippie guy saying that writing affirmations on his water glass changes the molecules. Yawn.

Dirt. So, once upon a time there was this provocative and intriguing show on FX called Nip/Tuck. It did really well. However, since logistically speaking it was only possible to create just over a dozen episodes per season, FX decided to make a new show that was essentially the same thing as Nip/Tuck only set in the world of tabloid journalism. By "the same thing as Nip/Tuck," I mean lots and lots of dirty sex. The news has been all a twitter with the fact that Courtney Cox has shed her image as Monica from Friends to play a ruthless journalist. Oh, by the way, 10 years ago, when Scream came out, the news was all a twitter over the fact that Courtney Cox had shed her image as Monica from Friends to play a ruthless journalist. Wow Court, way to progress.

Hogan Knows Best. Watching them move into a new house and yell at the Mexican landscapers isn't all that exciting. Watching them learn Spanish is a bore. Watching the daughter record a music video and the son rebel in every way possible because he is jealous of his sister's fame(?) is as intellectually stimulating as popping a can of pringles. However, I continue to watch, hoping each week that this will in fact be the episode where the family learns that the Mom is actually a man. I mean come on, have you SEEN HER???

the run.

It's weird that everything I've been working on for the past four months is over. The entire trip to Disney was incredible. I had an absolutely amazing time. It was the single most rewarding experience of my life, and hopefully I can convince at least one other person to do it next year. (No, not just go to Florida, but raise the money and train. If I can find the time, anyone can.)

So I left Thursday morning. Millie was a saint and offered to drive me to the airport, which was great. Since I find airplanes to be terrifying, it was nice that I didn't have to go to the airport alone. It was also nice considering I didn't have to get up fourteen hours early to take the red line to the blue line. The flight was fine, aside from taking off which is by far the scariest part. We landed in Florida, blah blah blah, took the shuttle to the resort, blah blah blah. Nothing exciting really happened on Thursday. We went to the Athletic Expo at the Wide World of Sports Complex to pick up our chips and bibs and free stuff. I had no idea the Marathon Weekend would include so much swag.

Friday was a big day for me. It was the return to Epcot. Not gonna lie, it was actually pretty emotional. I had a hard time sleeping the night before. It's hard to explain to anyone else how I feel about that place. When you love something so much, but also hate it with every ounce of your being, you develop a strange relationship with it. In a way it was like going back to a house I moved out of, where another family had moved in and made themselves at home. I went on all of the important rides, such as Mission: Space (they put up an umbrella, partly because I got second degree sunburns when I worked there), Test Track, and Soarin', which was being built when I was there. Our Team in Training Pasta Party was at Epcot also. That was an experience in itself. I guess I never really thought of where the money was going to as I raised it. Yeah, I knew I was raising money for Leukemia & Lymphoma to run a half marathon at Disney, but I never really gave it much thought. Being there and seeing first-hand the difference that we can make and seeing the stories of people whose lives have been affected by blood cancers made it all real. It was so inspiring to be among these heroes who have gone through so much, and are so grateful for what you're doing. In fact, the entrance to the party was lined with cheering fans. It was incredible. I will never, ever, forget that.

Speaking of unforgettable, the half marathon was on Saturday, Now, since the starting time was at 6 am, and the bus came to get us at 3, I had to get up at 2 am. That's not an easy time to get up. Nearly impossible, actually. You go to bed at 2 am, or you wake up to go to the bathroom at 2 am. But you don't get up to run 13 miles at 2 am. Man's body was not made for that. The race was extremely crowded. I wanted to finish in 2 hours and 6 minutes, in order to beat my cousin's time, but having a fast pace at the Disney Marathon is next to impossible. It was just as crowded as walking through the actual parks would be. Then, once we got to Magic Kingdom, and I ran into Donald, I knew that I'd regret taking my time to enjoy it all. So, I finished in 2 hours and 26 minutes. That's a pace of eleven minutes per mile. Not bad, considering how many times I stopped for pictures. Now, people told me that endurance events can be quite addictive. Now I know why. The feeling you get when you're running through a cheering crowd is like nothing else. Adding to that is the fact that I was part of TNT, and there were a lot of people who would call out my name and some words of encouragement. I can't wait to do a full marathon, now. I wish I could participate in Team in Training again, but I need a break from the fundraising. I've thought about doing the Chicago marathon, but I don't have any interest in it, to be honest. I'd much rather go to San Diego. If I do, this means I'll start training again in a few weeks. Better relax as much before then.

After the run, I went to Magic Kingdom with my parents. Now, as if the getting up at 2 am and running a half marathon weren't exhausting enough, walking around the park until 9 am sure took its toll on me. I had a great time and was glad to have some fun with my parents, but by the end of the day I was dead. I walked into the hotel room and literally laid on the bed and passed the fuck out.

Sunday was Animal Kingdom. Not much to say, really, except that Expedition Everest, which was being built when I was in the program, is phenomenal, and totally worth waiting four hours for your fast pass to take effect. I didn't have time for MGM, which is sad because that used to be my favorite, but I had more stuff to do at the other parks, and something had to be cut. After DAK (abbreviation that we Cast Members would use. Neat, huh?) I went to the Team in Training Victory Celebration. From there I went to Epcot, because I was NOT, I repeat NOT, leaving Orlando without seeing Illuminations.

On Monday I slept in a little bit (meaning I got up at 9) and then packed up. Disney had this great feature called Disney Magical Express. They not only take you from the airport to the hotel, they also take you back at the end of your trip. And they take your luggage for you and print your boarding pass so you don't have to stand in line at the airport. With the extra bit of time, I met up with the parents and we went to Downtown Disney for a little bit of souvenir shopping. Their flight was two hours before mine so they dropped me back off at the hotel and we said our goodbyes.

I got back to Chicago and Ashley, Baggy, Dave, and Dangles all came to pick me up at the airport. It was good to see everyone and to be back in Chicago, but it was also sad that such an amazing and memorable weekend, which I had worked so hard for, had come to an end.

I'm DEFINITELY doing the fundraising and going back next year. And I'm DEFINITELY doing the full marathon instead of the half. I actually kind of regret not doing the full to begin with, but it was a long hard semester and I'm not sure I could have pushed myself any further than I already did. As I said, I'm going to try to convince others to do it with me this time. The feeling you get when you're running through the park, being cheered on by complete strangers screaming your name, all while knowing that you helped make a difference in people's lives...it's totally worth the four months of hard work.

Better than GI Joe?

Today at work, Millie was choking really badly, and I had to give her the heimlich maneuver. True story. I'm a real American hero.

Marathon weekend blog later.

I leave for Florida tomorrow morning. The run is on Saturday, so I have a few days of relaxing in the sun (it's supposed to be in the 80's this weekend, that alone makes all of this training worth it). I still need to pack, and, more importantly, make a good playlist for my iPod. I am anticipating this run to be a challenge, but not extremely hard because...

1. I've done all the training.
2. It will be warm weather, I'm used to biting cold and wind.
3. I don't have to wear a hat, gloves, two shirts, and a million pairs of pants when I do it.
4. It's only a half marathon.

I hate flying. I should also make that clear. I am terrified of flying. Yes. Terrified. I hate it.

I'm excited to go back to Disney. Problem is, I have three partial days to do everything. Fortunately, I worked there for almost a year, so I know what to see and what to skip. Living With the Land Boat Ride? Yeah, I'll pass, thanks. Test Track? You know it.

Today is pretty much the last day of my break. After Florida, there's spring orientation, and then I go back to work in the office. Well, it was a good break, and life will still be far less stressful than it was this past semester, so I can't complain.

Things to do today:
1. Pack
2. Make a good playlist
3. Go get gatorade and pretzels (carbs and salt)
4. Read the rest if my preparation guide.
5. Run (only 30 minutes though)
6. Hang out for a bit.
7. Go to bed early.

Have A Happy New Year, Jesus Take The Wheel!

Sooo...New Year's. That sure was something else. It was a "PTFO some time after 4 and sleep until 1:30 to avoid a hangover but you still kind of have one anyway" kind of else.

The night started at Jenny and Abbi's place for gift exchange. I had drawn Zach's name, and he drew mine, and the bastard didn't show up, so I didn't get to trade presents yet, but the night was still fantastic. Since I just got a new camera after the last one's disaster in the car door, I think I'll include some pictures so you can see what a great photog I am.

We played drinking games for a while. Loaded Questions is the most fun game in the world, but playing it without the board with seventy-four people on New Year's Eve is not the most desirable of circumstances. Throwing Smartee's (or as IDIOT DANI CALLS THEM...SWEET TARTS!!! IDIOT GIRL!) into Ashley's cleavage was another popular parlor game. Then, we had apparently had enough alcohol in our system to do what we always do when we drink. Take an enormous amount of weird pictures...


Then it was midnight and the champagne was flowing, the poppers were popping, and the sparklers were...sparkling. The champagne was sparkling too, so try not to get those confused, alright? Jenny, Dani, and I went through about a dozen sparklers trying to take good sparkler pictures, this is the best I got for each of us. (Mine sucks) Jenny kind of looks like she's in a Harry Potter movie. EXPELIARMUS!

Then, a few of us wanted to go to Bacci, which was closed. However, I didn't truly become a shit show until we were on the train. Much like Halloween and the "I didn't know you were coming tonight!" debacle, everyone who I walked by, got a jolly "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" from me. Everyone. Everywhere. In front of the closed Bacci, on the train platform, on the train. After a while, when that started to get stale, I started telling people that Dani and I just got married. One girl even took a picture of us on her camera phone. She's probably looking at it right now wondering who the fuck we are. Then I started saying "Jesus take the wheel!" to everyone. Or "Happy New Year, Jesus take the wheel!" or "I just got married! Jesus take the wheel! Happy New Year!"

When I got home, the glass on the front door of our building was broken, and I let some shady guy in who was looking for his girlfriend. Well, that broken glass should have been an indication of some sort, but I was drunk and wanted to be helpful. I then took the opportunity to introduce myself to my upstairs neighbors who were walking their dog. Seemed like a good time for that, right? Shadester asked if he could use my phone, I said I didn't have one. Both of my neighbors said they didn't have phones either, and all three of us were secretly hoping to God that our phones didn't ring and expose our lies. Then the cops came about some disturbance that may or may not have been linked to the shady guy who I let into the building. Despite my better judgment (which had actually went on vacation several hours earlier) I stood in my open doorway and watched the entire event unfold.

And now it's 2007.

I hate to do this...

I hate posting more than one entry in the same day. But I also hate adding "Update!" to an already posted entry. However, I just had to bite the bullet on this one, since the news I have just can't wait.

All grades were posted, and I did indeed get a 4.0 this semester. Soooo that means...

Six classes.
All A's
A job
Training for a half marathon
Raising $3,970 (and counting) for charity

I did damn good. Sure, none of this is entirely new information, but seriously. I worked my ass off and I intend to pat myself on the back for it until my arm falls off.

Do you need some ice? Since your heart is swelling from all that pride...

Wet Christmas

Christmas was good. I got more TV boxed sets than I know what to do with (24, Rescue Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc) and will definitely be downgrading my Netflix plan for the next few months.

My Dad's side of the family came over on Christmas Eve. My grandpa is still at the rehab center for his legs and couldn't get out, which made things a lot different, but on Christmas Day my aunt checked out a day room at the nursing home so we had our festivities their. It was a good time, except for the fact that the people who work at nursing homes (especially those who work at nursing homes on Christmas Day) are decidedly malicious. I should explain, however, that my grandfather is not spending the rest of his life in a nursing home. He had surgery and broke his leg and has been in a hospital bed for like five weeks. He's at the nursing home for therapy so he can learn to walk and hula hoop and participate in roller derby's again. The nursing home, however, is chuck full of scary scary old people, and I don't enjoy it all that much. An 85 year old woman kissed me and told me she was single. She wasn't rich, either. Believe me. That thought crossed my mind. My aunt told me to find a rich old lady with one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.

Wait...that has nothing to do with CHRISTMAS!!! Back on topic, Steve. Back on topic. Oh, my mom wanted the whole family to wake up and go to church at 9am. My brother and my dad claimed they would go, but when it came to the 8am wake-up call, they conveniently slept through my mother's pleas. I, on the other hand, not only woke up and went to church, I put on a suit as well. Yes. A shirt, tie, and jacket. Me. Steve. A suit. And it wasn't a Homecoming Dance. That's a Christmas Miracle. I should have taken pictures...I think my mom wants me to put the suit back on so she can.


After the nursing home, we went to my other grandparents' for more food and fun. My Grandpa Balagna got cold and put on a Members Only jacket. That was a true Christmas miracle, also.

I'm not really motivated to do anything with anyone while I'm home. It's been a long semester and I'm perfectly content with sitting around on my ass. However, Millie and I have discussed a Detroit Fun Day, so we'll see if that happens. I'm here until Saturday.

# 1 - "Write a dialogue between a radio host and a troubled caller"

RON
Good evening, out there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers, and you’re tuned into “The Voice of Reason” on 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the top! Speaking of tops, my wife and I just got back from a very sensual...oh, looks like we have a caller! Caller, you’re on the air.

BRADLEY
Hello?

RON
Hello, caller, welcome to “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
Hi.

RON
What’s your name?

BRADLEY
Arthur.

RON
Well, Arthur, welcome to the show. Was there something in particular you wanted to talk about?

BRADLEY
Actually, yes. My name’s not Arthur. It’s Bradley.

RON
Okay...Bradley. What seems to be on your mind?

BRADLEY
Well, I have this problem. I’m always telling the truth. I’m worried that my honesty is starting to affect my relationships.

RON
Oh?

BRADLEY
No. I lied again. I’m a compulsive liar. And I have no relationships.

RON
I see. And...how long have you been having these compulsions?

BRADLEY
Since yesterday. For ten years. All my life.

RON
Well, which one is it, Bradley?

BRADLEY
All my life. For ten years. Since yesterday.

RON
The first step in seeking help is honesty, Bradley. You have to be honest with me, and you have to be honest with yourself.

BRADLEY
If I could be honest I wouldn’t need to call into your stupid show.

RON
Well, there’s no need for hurtful words...

BRADLEY
Sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was compulsive lying again.

RON
This problem of yours...it keeps you distanced from people, doesn’t it?

BRADLEY
No. Not at all. I married Kate Bosworth and we bought a condo on the beach in Thailand. We have three dogs. Galilee, Francisco, and Rue McClanahan. That’s a lie. I married Rue McClanahan. We live in Bali and have four kittens that are all named Crapshoot. That’s a lie too. I married a kitten and live inside Kate Bosworth. Help me, doctor! I can’t stop!

RON
Slow down there, Bradley. Just slow down for a second. You live in Thailand? Are you there right now?

BRADLEY
Yes. It’s raining with winds coming from the south-west at six miles per hour. No, I’m from Garrison County.

RON
I thought you said you were from Thailand?

BRADLEY
I said I’m a compulsive liar, remember?

RON
Oh, you did? That’s so funny because I have selective hearing! Haha!

BRADLEY
I had sex with your wife fifteen minutes ago and then I strangled her with your Egyptian Cotton sheets.

RON
Oh, we don’t have Egyptian Cotton sheets, Arthur. You must have me confused with another late-night radio doctor.

BRADLEY
So are you going to help me?

RON
Help you what?

BRADLEY
With my compulsive lying?

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have a short attention span! Haha!

BRADLEY
I make macrame birds and then eat them. You have short term memory? I thought you said you had selective hearing. My father is a Navy Seal and plays Major League Baseball and won an Antoinette Perry award for his performance in A Streetcar Named Desire.

RON
Hello, caller. This is “The Voice of Reason.”

BRADLEY
What?

RON
Hi Arthur, what’s your name?

BRADLEY
It’s Bradley!

RON
And what seems to be on your mind, Sylvester?

BRADLEY
We already talked about this. I’m a compulsive liar.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have severe dementia! Haha!

BRADLEY
I rub peanut butter on my butt and then sit in bird seed.

RON
You’re listening to 89.1, WIRX. Turn that dial any lower and you’ll be back at the
top. Speaking of tops...

BRADLEY
I steal from stores and blame minorities.

RON
You’re a compulsive liar? That’s so funny! I have epilepsy!

BRADLEY
I killed the dinosaurs.

RON
It’s raining in Thailand?

BRADLEY
My testicles are the size of Bartlett pears and I have never left a woman unsatisfied.

RON
Good evening out, there! This is Dr. Ron Hodgers..

OMG GUYS!

OmG! Cars is really good but I still like The Incredibles better!

OmG! Time to start working on my Earl spec!

OmG! Went to make some minor revisions on Off The Clock and deleted half of it!

OmG! It's raining but Christmas is coming soon! Santa better have a poncho and galoshes!

OmG! Thought there was a spider on my neck it was just the tag of my shirt!

OmG! Got a new camera! Need to take some new pictures!

OmG! There's a Fan Club of me on Facebook and I have nothing to do with it! Don't even know the guy who started it!

OmG! The liggghhhhts!

OmG! I need to fold some laundry!

OmG! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!?!? OMG!!!

OmG! Seeing The Santa Clause 3 tomorrow! Sooooooo excited but not really!

OmG! What am I going to do about housing in LA? At least I have my aunt and uncle if all else fails, right???

OmG! An indoor water park in Battle Creek!? Must go! Hope it's as cool as CEREAL CITY!!!

OmG! Seriously...I have nothing to do with that facebook group....

OMg! I made the G little instead of the M!

OmG! Borders is SPOILING ME with those email coupons!

OmG! OmG! OmG!!!!

i got my kicks in two-thousand and six

Since the Holidays pretty much warrant their own separate recap, and I will not be participating in anything all that interesting until New Year's Day, now is as good of time as any for 2006: A Year In Review.

To spice things up, I will incorporate elements of one of my favorite theatre games, "Two Truths and a Lie." For every month of the ending year, I will give three things that happened. But here's the twist...only two of them actually happened! Hence the name of the game.

Let's get to it. We've got twelve whole months to get through!

2006. A Semi-Truthful Account

January-
Maggie and I saw a homeless man dump out an entire bag of Cheetos for no reason.
After getting paid for Spring Orientation, I was finally not poor for the first time since September.
I was offered to sing backup for Outkast, but had to decline in order to devote my time to helping underprivileged kids learn cursive.


February-
FLYMF.com paid me roughly eight dollars to publish a story I had written about Red Robin in their February issue.
After eating an especially hot tamale, my tongue was burnt so bad that it had to be removed. It was replaced with the tongue of the late Don Knotts.
Got a hickey from Jess Dangles while making out in Libby's leather chair with Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" on repeat in the background.


March-
The group had a bet on who could go the longest without masturbating. I didn't participate on the grounds that it was pretty damn stupid.
After a few too many St. Patty's Day pints, I learned the hard way that all Leprechauns are men.
Didn't go to Mississippi for Spring Break. To this day, I still get asked why.

April-
I overdosed on foot cream.
Alicia and Jared came to town. We saw John Waters.
As the school year started to wind down, we all wondered where the hell the time went.

May-
Moved to Lincoln Park with Jeff and Matt
Got a job at My Pie.
Discovered the cure for the common cold. It's cancer.

June-
Went to the beach almost every day.
Discovered a manuscript that revealed the true identity of Jack the Ripper, but accidentally spilled chocolate pudding on the one page that would have solved one of history's greatest secrets.
Enjoyed my own personal late-night entertainment by listening to people fight and argue outside my window on Lill every day.

July-
Watched Final Destination 3 with Cam, Jacob, and Millie. The best part of Orientation. The best part of the summer. Possibly the best part of 2006.
Facebook groups became global.
Directed a successful Off-Broadway adaptation of "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret."

August-
Got Einsteinium taken off the periodic table of elements.
Lollapalooza was a lot of fun, even though I had my doubts.
Decided to run the half marathon at Disney World.

September-
Got a job at Student Affairs working with Baggy and Holly.
Started my final year at Columbia
Ate a walnut. Shell and all.

October-
Much to the chagrin of the shows most hardcore fans, I won Project Runway.
Halloween and the "I didn't know you were coming tonight!" debacle.
Formed a rap group called "Melk N' Cookiez" while sitting in traffic on 94.

November-
Decided to leave Chicago in February instead of June. (Although I still intend to be back for the summer.)
Got hit by a golf ball while running.
Started selling anthrax to terrorists on the black market.

December-
Raised $3,900 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
Finished the semester in one piece.
Raised $3,900 to buy Justin Timberlake for a night.