A plea.

At the beginning of Winter, much of the world experienced unseasonably warm weather. By the end of December, record high temperatures were being recorded all over. People began to suspect Global Warming as the cause of this. Many people were even in a small state of panic.

And then something terrible happened.

It got cold out.

My fellow Americans,
Global Warming is a very real threat. However, it is not real enough. Our destruction of the ozone has only brought us warm weather up until January. Now, we must embark through the bitter cold on a daily basis. Numb fingers struggle to get keys into doors. Wet hair freezes in the blustery mornings. Heat must be turned up at night. What has happened to our fair and temperate Midwest winter?

So I ask of you. Please. Do everything you can to destroy the environment. Nobody likes to be cold. It makes people sick. It makes people unhappy. It makes people die from sickness...unhappily. I urge you all to drive cars as much as possible. Even if you have nowhere to go. Waste gas. Leave the car running in the driveway when you run inside because you forgot your cell phone. In fact, leave the car running all day. Do not use environmentally friendly hair products. Use aerosol cans. Go to Costco and buy crates and crates of aerosol products wholesale. Use styrofoam and don't recycle it. Burn rubber tires. Do whatever it takes. Do your part.

If we work hard, just imagine where we can be in only one year. I envision January 25th, 2007, to be a beautiful day. 70's and slightly breezy. Backyard barbecues, block parties, pool parties, beach parties...you name it. Don't you want your kids to live in a world where nobody has to suffer through winter? Don't you? Sure, we might be cutting the life of our planet in half by doing so, but isn't it worth it?

Thank you. And goodnight.






*This message paid for by the Steve Fucking Hates Walking To Class Foundation*