America's Got Problems

The cover of the Red Eye says "Lollapa-Line-Up" Yes, folks, summer in Chicago now not only signifies an abundance of sweaty tourists, fireworks at Navy Pier, and free Argo Tea Samples, but also the criminal overuse of sayings that either start with "Lolla" or end with "Palooza" Don't be a Lollapaloser! See? It's catching. Soon it will be everywhere. I think I'm going to start a running count of how many times this happens. I'm guessing the Red Eye will account for about 98% of these offenses.

Speaking of offenses. I did manage to watch America's Got Talent. And I hope everyone else did as well. Simon Cowell had a brilliant idea when he decided to bring back Star Search. Only take the already overused format of American Idol and mix that in. Brandy is of the Paula Abdul "I have no real opinion" school of judging. The only time Brandy exercises any sort of backbone is after every act she DEMANDS that the three judges come to a vote. As if David Hasselhoff and the british guy would forget to vote, had Brandy not been there the forcefully remind them. If the brit, Davey, and yourself are all giving POSITIVE feedback, then why do you feel inclined to call it to a vote. Obviously, the contestant is going on. It's like she's that girl in preschool that forced everyone to be in her little club and do everything the way she wanted. Fuckin' Angelica Pickles is bringin' shit to a vizote. Oh and she's sneaky. Did you notice that she makes the brit vote first. Then David. Then, if they both vote no, she doesn't have to! Majority rules! Moesha is never cruel! And the british guy is nothing but a ripoff of Simon Cowell. Every reality show with judges now must have a snarky man from Londontown to tear the people apart. "Your singing is worse than an earwig in my ear." Clever. I can see why they pay you the big bucks.

I liked the pirate who played the nose flute. Believe it or not, when I was in Hawaii in 6th grade with People to People, we got nose flutes made out of bamboo. My mom stepped on it and broke it a few months later, now that I think of it. Anyway, we got the nose flutes and pretty much messed around with them for about a day before shoving them to the backs of our suitcases. However, in that one day of half-ass practicing, I think I gained more nose flute talent than that guy had. I liked when he tore apart the judges, though. He asked Brandy why she hasn't released a huge hit lately. Oh he had sass. And the pirate costume. Sass and style? America's got it.

I don't like that Hugh Grant would continually reach over and press David's buzzer too. I mean, granted, David is a little generous on the buzzer time. He'd probably even enjoy watching my cousin floss her dog. But there's a reason that there are 3 judges. If they didn't want three separate judges, they'd just have Rupert Everett sit there with 3 buzzers. He buzzes way too early. The complete opposite of David. It's like David is chocolate ice cream, and Ewan McGreger is vanilla. Brandy is halfway between. She's twist ice cream. Wait, shouldn't she be chocolate? Hmmm...nevermind.

Oh, Regis. I get the feeling that Regis just doesn't like to be at home. He probably is lonely, has no wife and kids, and keeps busy with work and other things so that he never has to face the emptiness that is his personal life. Or maybe I have it backwards. Maybe Regis does, indeed, have a wife and kids. He just hates them.

What is it with talent shows? Aren't we running out of people to be on them? I mean, clearly we're scraping the bottom of the barrell with this one. The harp lady? The dancing cow? I mean, American Idol at least messes with the audition process so that only the really bad and really good people go on in front of the judges. Is there no sort of screening implimentation set up? There should be. True, sometimes it's fun to see people suck terribly. And it's always heartwarming to see that little 13 year old girl belt her heart out (and make Brandy harken back to her tween years when she was something special), but it's the mediocre ones that just drag it all down the shitter.

Then again, summer isn't the time when you want to watch anything deep and thought provoking. I'm still getting over the season finale of Lost, and that was like a month ago. So it's nice to have mindless garbage like this to blog about. Oh, and I hated when the british guy told the bird trainer that if he had an hour with her bird he could make it talk too. That's fucking uncalled for. That lady is a professional who no doubt works hard at what she does, and then she's putting herself out there for the whole world to critique. Have some fucking respect, dude. At least she has a real talent. A real job. Not that being friends with Princess Diana and shaking Diana Ross' hand isn't super cool and all, but do you really think you're something special?

I'm glad she stood up to him. Way to go, bird lady. See you at the Universal City Walk! I'll throw a dollar in your hat.